The Sadist 1963 Fairway International Pictures
Director: James Landis
Starring: Arch Hall, Jr.
A trio of teachers breaks down on a road trip and rolls into a farm house, just off the highway. There they find, oddly, no one around- just a bunch of wrecked cars. One of the teachers starts taking a fuel pump out of one of the wrecks, to fix their car. About this time, a Neanderthal and very violent Tibbs (Arch Hall, Jr.) shows up, gun in hand and starts tormenting the trio, with the aid of his teenage girlfriend Judy.
They swill sodas and beat up the older male teacher, while the younger male teacher works on the car and the female teacher is increasing shocked over Tibbs' cruelty. Eventually, Tibbs shoots the older man in the head and he and his girl have a good laugh. This starts the remaining teachers to plotting an escape, but plan after plan is derailed by the unpredictable Tibbs.
Finally, they get their chance, when Tibbs insists the teacher prime the carburetor of the newly fixed car. He sprays Tibbs in the eyes with gas and gets away from him. Tibbs, with burning eyes, accidentally shoots Judy and then he really gets pissed! Now, it's cat and mouse as the two teachers try to hide from Tibbs in the junkyard!
As low budget and amateur as this is, it's really pretty effective. Arch Hall, Jr. gives a very menacing performance as the almost retarded killer, Tibbs. In fact, I had to watch another Arch Hall, Jr. feature to see if he was acting or if he was just retarded. He was acting and acting very convincingly! This one definitely keeps you wondering when and if they'll get away!! XXXX
Samson vs. the Vampire Women a.k.a. Santo v. las Mujeres Vamprio 1962 Filmadora Panamerica
Director: Alfonso Corona Blake
I's been 200 years and a band of crusted, old female vampires awakens with a mission in mind- to recapture the descendant of one of their own who long ago turned good. They aim to bring poor Diana back to the castle and crown her the new queen of vampires, so the current queen can join her horned husband in hell!
But first they must feed and what better place to pick up some take-out than the local club. They find a suitable couple and bring them back to feed. One by one, they drink from the chalice and are restored to their youthful beauty. The priestess, Tandra (sounds like tundra) is ordered by the queen to awaken the slaves and they better not fuck up like last time...
Diana's pop, the professor, knows something is wrong but is hiding it from his daughter, her fiancé and the inspector he has asked to help watch over Diana. Enter Samson, actually Santo (since this is a mexican film), the wrestler with the silver mask! After an overly lengthy wrestling match, he finally gets back to his lair and heeds the professor's call for help. That night he thwarts the vampires' attempt to get Diana.
Now the cat is out of the bag. Everyone know what they are up against and Santo knows it is his destiny to face off against these evil blood-suckers. The queen now turns her sights on Santo, sending one of her slaves to dispatch him in the ring- with karate! Laughable karate at that! Santo just chops right back and beats the ghoul at his own game. Then he's off to save Diana from the vampires' clutches. Luckily for him these vampires are very flammable...
I believe I have seen this Santo before though I'm not quite sure where. Another movie I suppose... I'm not sure I reviewed it but it was very much like this one- too much wrestling and very cheesy. Sure the vampire women were hot but they didn't do much and Diana was a dull leading lady. I'm not sure why they would want her back! Maybe it was better in spanish(?) but at least it was funny. XXX
Santa Claus conquers the Martians 1964 Jalor Productions
Director: Nicholas Webster
Starring: a not so famous yet Pia Zadora
Sigh... While Santa is preparing his annual run, the martians are noticing a problem with their children and "earth programs" they watch on the boob tube. Not to be outwitting by their own kids (including little Pia), the martians pull themselves up by their green tightie whities and decide to go see what else? The old guru on the hill!
All this way and the old man tells them that the kids grow up to fast and what they need is a Santa Claus, so they can laugh and play. well, one of the martians, we'll call him Voldar is really macho and he wants none of it. Much like Borat, he struts and postures and has a bad moustache. But Keemar (sp?) insists they go to earth and take Santa for their own kids.
So they board their Bic lighter spaceship and head to New York City! Their they find Billy and Mandy? Nope, Billy and Betty- a couple of kids right out of a Norman Rockwell painting. The kids tell the martians where the "real" Santa lives and off they all go to the North Pole. There they find Santa and with the help of their trusty cardboard robot and hand-held hair dryers, they freeze the elves and kidnap the fat man!
After a hijinks filled trip back to Mars, including lots of "gags" involving the goofy martian who stowed away in the beginning, they land and Santa teaches them the "true meaning of christmas" and helps them develop their own Santa, so he can get back before Mrs- Claus thaws out and gets bent. There'll be a christmas after all... Ahhhh.
Billed as science-fiction but really just awful family oriented drivel, just as bad as the fare on today's Disney Channel. Bright colors (for the time) and mindless production are key. The costumes are worse than an old serial, especially the martians' outfits and green grease paint which disappears as they learn about chirstmas. Give me a break! This is the worst kind of child oriented crap and unlike say The Year without a Santa Claus, there is nothing here to stimulate anyone over 7. ~
The Satanic Rites of Dracula 1973 Hammer Films
Director: Alan Gibson
Starring: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing
What kind of Satanic ritual is this? A huge baphomet on the table, a naked girl on the altar and we're sacrificing a chicken? Hmmm... Anyway, don't worry, the G-men are on the case. They're investigating this so-called Satanic cult, which boasts some pretty high power members, including a scientist who has engineered a beautiful plague for them.
When they inadvertently discover it's vampires they are dealing with, they turn to Van Helsing (Cushing) and his foxy redheaded granddaughter, Jessica, for assistance. Along the way, they battle an army of fancy dressed motorcycle guards, chained up vampiresses in the basement and the one who has resurrected Dracula (Lee) himself, the cult leader. East meets west here, with a chinese vampire devil worshipper!
Always the pompous ass, Van Helsing fumbles his shot (I thought it was werewolves that silver bullets killed!) and he and Jessica are captured and brought back to Dracula's lair. There, Dracula unveils his plan to wipe out mankind with his killer plague... and take Jessica for his own, presumably so they can starve to death together. Who writes this stuff? A bumbling detective manages to set the house afire, allowing their escape. Van Helsing then lures Dracula into a thorny bush, rendering the vampire helpless(!). Again, who writes this stuff?
I'm not saying it's all bad. It was pretty funny. How all involved managed to keep a straight face, I do not know... That's a great vampire mystery! This is not a great vampire film. XX
Satanico Pandemonium 1973 Compañía Cinematográfica de Baja California
Director: Gilberto Martínez Solares
Here we have fine example of mexican nunsploitation! Sister Maria is a nun and a happy nun at that. She frolics in the countryside, picking flowers on bright sunny days. That is, until she happens upon a hairy naked guy one day. He gives her "the look" and she runs away, seeking refuge amongst the sheep (literally) until he shows up again and suggestively eats an apple.
From this day forward, Sister Maria starts to backslide, seeing the apple everywhere she goes. She puts the moves on a 13 year old shepherd, then another nun at the convent. Both spurn her advances but say nothing. After "assisting" a troubled black sister in suicide, she tries again to seduce the boy and when he again rejects her, she kills him and burns down his house. She then nurses a sick cow back to health(!).
Finally, she goes completely bonkers and kills the Mother Superior, taking refuge in a cave with her sick fantasies. The rest of the sisters search her out and tell her they have "elected" her to be the next Mother (I didn't know it was a democracy!). She comes down from the mountain to reign in all her twisted magnificence, beside the man with the apple!!
This one wouldn't be as good as say, The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine (see review below), but for the star, Cecilia Pezet. She is absolutely beautiful! Er, was... She pretty much disappeared in the mid '70s. Anyone know what happened to her? Back to the movie: All sorts of depraved and unholy acts abound and the ending is actually a surprise. I liked it! XXXX
Satan's Blood 1977 Almena Films/Cinevsión
Director: Carlos Puerto
Cute young couple Andy and Ana are out for a drive one day when another couple flags them down from their car. The guy, Bruno, introdcues himself as one of Andy's old chums from college. Andy doesn't quite remember but what the hey, it was a long time ago. Bruno and his wife, Mary invite their newfound friend to their country house for a drink.
After a frustrating hour-long drive, they finally make it to the massive but slightly run down home, er mansion. All is well, except for that pesky german shepherd always sniffin' around. Mary takes care of him and after a freaky game of Ouija, they settle in for the night. Andy an Ana have a little hank-panky in the bath then retire to bed, but Ana is a little too curious and almost gets herself raped in the kitchen (by the help).
Andy isn't too happy about this and they go down to demand justice... Or something. What they find is Bruno and Mary, naked and oiled, chanting on a large black pentagram. Mary sees them and lures them in with some kind of hypnotic suggestion. They oil their guests up and have a nice satanic orgy. Slip and slide!
The next day, when Andy and Ana go to leave, they find they are no longer as much as guests as they are captives. Things just get weirder and weirder from there, as Bruno allegedly shoots himself in the head and the despondent Mary slits her wrists in the tub. Still our young couple cannot leave and a suspicious doctor has the couple wondering if they will be charged with murder!
This one has all the cheap tricks... My favorite, the way the fire flares up on queue, for dramatic effect. And of course windows have to blow open and scare the shit out of everyone. Well, despite the rampant clichés, it's a really entertaining film. You can't believe the circumstances, or that anyone would really stay, but you still want to root for Andy and Ana. I can't explain why but I quite like this one. Maybe because it's nearly a porno... XXXX
Satan's Cheerleaders 1977 World Amusement Company
Director: Greydon Clark
Starring: Yvonne de Carlo, John Carridine
At first, we spend a tad too much time getting to know these four high school cheerleaders (some of whom appear to be in their late twenties). The main thing we know is that they are a bunch of trash-talking sluts, who like to fuck the football captain in the bushes. The cheerleading coach, on the other hand, is a virginal and unbelievably cheerful lady, who says things like: "Oh, golly...". We also meet the uptight football coach and a weird, "prevert" janitor.
The day of the first game, they all set out to Baker in coach's station wagon. Not far behind is the pre-vert janitor, rubbing his amulet and muttering some satanic prayer. It works! The girls suffer a blow-out and swerve off the road. Soon enough, the janitor comes along to save the day. But then he doesn't take them to the game, no, he takes them to the woods, to a makeshift altar. There, cheerleader falls under a mysterious spell, takes off all her clothes and is screwed by unseen forces, right there on the altar!
Try as he might, the janitor cannot get to her (so he can screw her) and he is "put down". After Penny gets off, the girls head to the sheriff to report the "accident", stopping along the way to quiz a bum (Carradine) of the sheriff's whereabouts. Turns out the sheriff is married to Lily Munster, or at least Yvonne de Carlo. She immediately recognizes that Penny has "the power" but the sheriff/cult leader is bound and determined to sacrifice the purest of them to Satan!
After a brief escape from an upstairs window, the girls are one by one captured by the satanic townsfolk and brought back to the sheriff's home. Meanwhile, the sheriff himself caught miss Oh Golly and taught her his own kind of lesson, by raping her! The girls escape again and as the cult searches for them, a battle of will occurs between Penny and Yvonne de Carlo. Guess who wins! Back at the altar, Penny seizes power and turns the devil on the sheriff, who defiled the only virgin among them! The girls go on to use their new powers to help the football team win!!
A little slow at first, with inane "comedic" dialog. Once things start rolling though, it gets pretty good... By good I mean utterly ridiculous! At the time, it must've seemed like the stupidest movie ever! Now, it's pretty funny and, along the way, it spawned a punk band (title name) who sang of "tipping cows"! Some legacy... XXX
Satan's Sadists 1969 Independent-International Pictures
Director: Al Adamson
Russ Tamblyn stars as Anchor, the fun-loving leader of a rogue motorcycle gang. He and his crew ride the california deserts in search of kicks. (Hey, didn't I see the before?) Meanwhile, a Pittsburgh cop and his wife are traveling to LA. They pick up an ex-marine and along the way stop to get a bite to eat at a roadside diner, where a cute little waitress who can't act serves them.
Guess who shows up at the diner? That's right... Anchor and his crew of rag-tag bikers, The Satans. Naturally, it turns into a biker party, with Gina doing a little go-go on the table. The owner of this fine establishment gets upset and well... the fun's over. The fuzz pops Romeo in the mouth and quickly is overtaken by the gang. Anchor orders the cute waitress, Tracy, and the hitch-hiker, Johnny, to fix up Romeo and them takes the rest outside.
After raping the pig's wife, Anchor shoots all three in the head and starts back to the diner to finish off Johnny and Tracy. Trouble is, they've bushwhacked Romeo and the other biker and taken off in Tracy's dune buggy! Anchor swears his revenge and off they go into the desert, after the heroes. Of course, the desert is a forsaken place and Johnny's marine training comes in handy when the buggy breaks down and they are forced to flee on foot.
The Satans continue their pursuit, although momentarily distracted by a trio of female campers, but they are ill-equipped for desert survival and one by one they fall. In the end, it's a show-down between Johnny and Anchor and you'll never guess who wins!
Really, it's not as bad as it sounds. Plenty of action, suspense and craziness, with Batman-esque fight sequences and some interesting choice in weaponry on Johnny's part when he throws a rattlesnake on one of the bikers! Not quite as good as Werewolves on Wheels but a real turning point in director Al Adamson's career. XX
Satan's Slave 1976 Monumental Pictures
Director: Norman J. Warren
I say, how about satanic rituals? We start right in with one, followed by the murder of a girl in a posh country mansion. Meanwhile, back in London, Catherine is getting ready to go to the country and visit her Uncle Alexander. Her beau gives her a bracelet, since she will be gone for her birthday. Her parents gladly agree to drive her out but upon finding the place, her dear ol' dad suffers a head pain and crashes into a tree, killing mumsy. Oh dear, before he can get out the car bursts into flames!
Cousin Stephen takes an interest in Catherine, despite his wife's protest, and they go for a walk in the woods. There, Catherine has a vision of the horrible torture and murder of her ancestor Camilla, who was burned as a witch. Only she sees herself burning in the woods! About this time her beau, back home, has an unfortunate elevator ride and jumps from the roof of a building. Poor chap...
So then it's more satanic rituals, for no apparent reason, then Stephen and Catherine in the throes of ecstasy (wait, aren't they cousins?). They fall in love, well she does anyway. Frances turns traitor and tells Catherine the whole fiendish plot, how her Uncle intends to raise the dead witch into her body! For this, Frances meets her end in a most grisly way. Catherine finds her there the night they are supposed to escape together.
It's the dawn of Catherine's 20th birthday... Let the resurrection begin! Uncle Alex dons his robes and Stephen has no more love for his cousin. They lead her to the woods, where some hooded worshippers wait with torches. She sticks her nail file in Stephen's eye and makes a run for it. Back at the house she finds daddy, alive and well. Uncle Alex is inside, calmly reading the newspaper. Maybe it was all just a crazy dream(?).
This one's pretty good, for a bunch of limeys. Well acted and well filmed, in a great location. Satanism, witchcraft, hairy pussies and murder. What more could you ask for! Sadly, it still wasn't spectacular... XXX
Savage Sisters 1974 American International Pictures
Director: Eddie Romero
Starring: Sid Haig and a bunch of filipinos
We are narrated in by a Burt Reynolds type, telling us the tale of a couple of chicks mixed up in a revolution on an un-named spanish speaking isle. Instead of today's mix of racially ambiguous characters, we have the standard of the day- one of each! To start, there is the white girl, usually and in this case blonde, and a latin beauty who is invested in the revolution. The black girl, usually Pam Grier but not in this case, comes in later.
So, there is the army, run by a mysterious general and his kiss-ass promotion hungry captain, both of whom are shagging the warden of the prison camp. There are guerillas, including our female band, and then there is a guy named Malavael (Haig) and his merry band of thieves. For whatever reason, the army is escorting a couple of businessmen through the jungle with a million dollars. The guerillas enlist the help of Malavael to hijack the convoy and steal the money but Malavael then kills them (including blondie's boyfriend) and steals the loot!
Malavael has Burt get him a plane for a cut but there is another double-cross and the thieves must find a boat to get off the island. Meanwhile the girls have been captured, imprisoned and are about to be tortured by the black girl. But then another double-cross... Burt talks her into freeing the girls to help him steal the money from Malavael. Blondie, of course, just wants to kill Malavael so they are in cahoots now.
Only, can they trust Burt? Now you've got the army, what's left of the guerillas, the girls and Burt all looking to get their hands on Malavael and the dough. But how many days does it take to find a freakin' boat on an island?
Filmed in the Philippines with the four american actors, three of which we still never heard of, this is a nice action pic in the vein of Coffy with the jungle revolution thrown in for a different setting! The three girls could pick up musical instruments and be smaller versions of the girls in Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, which was probably a better movie. Nonetheless... XX
Scream, Blacula, Scream 1973 American International Productions
Director: Bob Kelljan
Starring: Pam Grier, with a top-notch 'fro!
The matriarch of a voodoo cult dies, without leaving any of the members in charge. Her son, Willis, is quick to seize power but the members prefer his step-sister, Lisa (Grier). Willis, hell bent on revenge somehow acquires the bones of Blacula and performs a little ritual to bring the dread vampire back to life! Unfortunately, Willis finds himself the first victim and therefore slave of the great Blacula.
Blacula takes up residence and starts mingling with Willis' friends. He particularly is interested in Lisa, although not for the same reasons he finds interest in the others... That is, to drain their bodies of blood! As the body count rises, the police get involved and initially suspect Lisa. Until a couple of pimps get sucked dry while Lisa is sitting right in front of them. Dumb-ass cops!
Finally, Blacula approaches Lisa with the real reason he needs her. He wants her to perform a voodoo exorcism, to rid him of this evil that was bestowed upon him so long ago! As the ritual begins, cops armed with white pickets enter the house, where they are greeted by Blacula's army of undead victims. The fight is on!!
In the same jive-talkin' vein as Foxy Brown and Coffy but with the horror twist, which made me like it even better. Grier is in top form, literally and figuratively(!), and the music is pure '70s porn! XXXX
The Screaming Skull 1958 Madera Productions
Director: Alex Nichol
Rich guy, Eric, brings his mentally unstable new bride, Jenni, home to his country mansion. The very mansion where his former wife was found dead in the frog pond! Maybe Eric isn't very bright, but to me it doesn't seem like a good idea to marry a mental patient and then move into a haunted house. Am I wrong?
Sure enough, Jenni starts hearing bumps in the night and blood curdling screams from the garden (remember the pond...). Eric reassures her it is just an old house and you know, it's just the peacocks screaming outside. Nothing to worry about... Sure the gardener is crazy and there is that skull in the armoire but I mean other than that, it's a perfectly normal night so Eric heads into town to make sure Jenni is alone in her supposed madness (another brilliant move by Eric!).
And wouldn't you know it, that skull starts chasing Jenni around the house... Well, rolling around the house like a bowling ball while Jenni mostly screams and faints! Eric comes home and rather than admit he wrong, he hides the skull in the pond. What is up with this guy?? But you cannot quell the screaming skull...
This is a real prize here. It actually opens with a disclaimer saying the producers of the movie will pay your funeral expenses if you die of fright during the film. Of course, you are more likely to choke on your popcorn as idiocy abounds! XX and one of those is for the chuckles, which were frequent.
Season of the Witch 1971 Latent Image
Director: George A. Romero
George Romero returns to the paranormal, at least half-way, in this drama about a bored, suburban housewife. No zombies here, just poor Joan Mitchell... Her husband always traveling, her teenage daughter fucking around. Why that little bitch is getting more action than mom! Joan is even thinking of taking a lover, despite her catholic guilt!
At a party one night, Joan finds out one of her friends is seeing a witch, to have her cards read. She is intrigued and goes along for the ride. Once there, Joan is swept away by the lure of the occult. Once home, she finds herself both repulsed by and drawn to her daughter's new beau. He tricks her friend into thinking she has smoked pot and Joan kicks him out. Unfortunately, when her daughter runs away, he is the first person she must turn to.
With her husband again away on business and the daughter, well who knows, Joan conjures up a spell to draw the love that she loves to hate to her. It may not be magic exactly but he does come, and so do they... on the living room floor! Joan returns to the witch, eager to join their ranks and is warned not to misuse the power. Afraid she has, she invites the guy over again- to undo what has been done. He's not having any of it and he does her twice more on the floor! A recurring nightmare, about a masked intruder, eventually frees her and also seals her fate!
I also watched the weird psychodrama, There's Always Vanilla, which Romero directed the same year and found it an odd little morality tale, which reminded me much of my childhood. Both films portrayed the shock of counterculture on the older set and highlighted their naiveté, just as my drug use and long hair shocked my churchgoing parents. These movies are both good but neither is stellar. I give them both XXX.
Seven Doors of Death (a.k.a. Beyond) 1982 Fulvia Film
Director: Elmer Clifton
We start in 1927, with the crucifixion of an alleged warlock in the basement of an old hotel in New Orleans. The mob nails his wrists to the wall and douse him with acid! Fast forward to say 1982 and a young woman is renovating the hotel, or trying to. A painter falls to his death when he sees a creepy blind girl in the window and a plumber is murdered in the flooded basement.
The woman, while driving across Lake Ponchatrain, encounters the blind girl and befriends her, taking her back the hotel. There the blind girl warns her of the dangers of the hotel and tells her to leave right away. Of course she doesn't. She stays and continues to work on the hotel. Meanwhile, the plumber's and another body, likely the guy from 1927, surface in the basement. They are taken for autopsy but strange things happen at the morgue.
It seems the gates of hell have been opened and the dead are coming back to life! Even the dog goes crazy and kills the blind girl. The woman and her beau (who looks a little like Ted Bundy) must race to unlock the mystery of the seven gates and escape the zombies of the morgue!
This one's got the creepiness of the seventies and the gore of the eighties. It's just right there on the border! So, the effects are little dated, not a big deal. It's a pretty good story and a fantastic ending! XXXX
Seven Women for Satan 1974 (Boum Productions. Ltd.?)
Director: Michel Lemoine
Count Boris Zarloff (really) works in an office but he daydreams of castles and brutalizing women. I was never really sure in this movie, what was supposed to be real and what a dream. Either way, Boris buys a castle in the country and on his way home he picks up a hitchhiker named Stephanie. After licking champagne off her body all night, they set out for the castle in the morning. They stop for a little walk in the woods and somehow it leads to him running her down with his car!
Back at the office, he hires a busty blond to "assist" him at the castle. She arrives in one piece but after hypnotizing her and making her masturbate (with a feather boa!), she accidentally falls out the window. About this time Francis and Muriel come knocking on the door. Seems their car broke down 5 miles back... Funny, they look a little like Ron Jeremy and Seka. Anyway, Muriel is a curious as a cat and sets out to find the dungeon. She does, and she and Francis find themselves in a pickle.
Now, Boris, he doesn't really seem to be the bad guy here... outside of a few sick fantasies. The butler, Carl, is the one who flips the switch instead of letting the young couple go! Boris is busy with the ghost of Ann, who- I don't know who the fuck she is! But Boris follows her into the hay loft, where she actually turns out to be Jane, the maid. Then he follows her to her tomb, where he kisses her sweet lips and... The End. WTF?
I don't get it. Good thing there was lots of nudity and soft-core porn to hold my interest. Otherwise, I would've shut it off half way through. Now there were some very classic lines. I believe Count Zaroff fancies himself a poet: "Would you like some champagne, to help you dream pleasant, or would you rather I pour it on your body and sip it slowly, as if your substance were of crystal." You know, I think that will be my new pick-up line... Hey, it worked for Boris! XXX and one of those if for the topless hoochie-coochie dancing throughout!
The She-Beast 1965 Leith Films
Director: Michael Reeves
Starring: Barbara Steele, for a minute anyway.
Newlyweds Philip and Veronica (Steele) decide it would be a good idea to honeymoon in Transylvania(!). Oh, it's lovely there this time of year! They get lost, meet a not so savory commie, then are taken in by a wealthy Count. Who regales them with dull tales until Veronica is bored to sleep. The young couple retreats to their room for some uneventful sex.
The next morning, they find themselves trapped and Philip has to kick some ass to get out. They take off down the road and right into the lake- the very same lake where an old witch was drowned in the old days, on some crazy see-saw! (Damn christians and their torches!) Anyway, we saw all this in the Count's dream, which opened the film.
Well, the truck driver washes up, Philip washes up but Veronica is hideously disfigured... Or is it Veronica at all? We soon find out when the old witch wakes and takes to killing! Soon, the cops are on the case and Philip and the Count must team up to save her from them. Certain, they can rid her of the witch's curse the kidnap her and go on the run in the cops' wagon. The cops jump in the Count's old jalopy and what follows is reminiscent of The Keystone Cops!
Despite the touting of headliner Barbara Steele, she only appears maybe half an hour before she is killed and resurrected as the old witch. It's bordering on false advertising! That's not the only problem here. Poor coloring, lousy sound, a feeble story and completely inexplicable characters. It all makes for a wet Transylvanian honeymoon... As soggy as the old witch at the bottom of that lake! X and that is for the 30 minutes Barbara Steele appears.
She Demons 1958 Screencraft Enterprises
Director: Richard Cunha
An "expedition" is marooned on a tropical island (think Gilligan's Island). It's your typical group of people- the tough guy named Maklin, the funny chinese guy, the disposable servant and well, where would we be without a wise-crackin' but leggy blonde? Her name is Jerrie and she's the daughter of the guy financing the trip, so they have to put up with her...
Here, they are... Middle of nowhere. And what's that? Drums? Uh-oh Kris, we're not alone. Wait... What happened to camp and oh my god! Kris is dead!! Then we find a girl's body on the beach and her face is horribly made up- I mean disfigured! This leads our friends to seek out the bangers of the drums.
They find them and so does the SS. That's right... Nazis. They're holed-up on this island, under the direction of a war criminal doctor who is trying to cure his wife's ugliness by making native girls ugly(?). I don't get it either. So, they get captured and the mad nazi doctor falls for Jerrie and her bitch-ass attitude (germans...). Of course, by now Maklin loves Jerrie, so the fight is on. And what a doozy it is!
Bad story, bad make-up, bad acting, nazis in the jungle, really bad science... I don't know why I like this movie so much. Oh, that's right! It was funny! You should see it just for the bad dance routine the native girls do around the fire. It's amateur night through and through. And at the end, where the wife reveals her disfigurement. What a hoot! XXXX
She-Devils on Wheels 1968 Mayflower Pictures
Director: Herschell Gordon Lewis
"In blinding color!" screams the one sheet, and it's true. All the colors of the rainbow are here, on the vests of the Maneaters' motorcycle club! They are a colorful crew of hard talkin' chicks, lead by one particular loud-mouth named Queen (she's the one with the leopard vest). Seems the aim of this gang is not so much to loot and pillage, but to get laid. They race by day to attain a pecking order for night!
All of them get their jollies, the fat girl gets two(!), except for little Honey Pot. This little scooter riding virgin hasn't been initiated yet and they are saving her for then. So, she has to sit and watch the rest get it on. Karen is the "good girl" in the group, a bored suburbanite who revels in the "bad girl" lifestyle but pines for true love. Unfortunately Queen catches on and makes her prove her loyalty to the gang in a very gruesome manner!
Next, the get in a really fake fight with a bunch of geeky hot rod guys, and totally kick their asses! Now, it's time for Honey's initiation, which consists of pouring Hershey's syrup on her and feeding her to a bunch of horny guys... Yummy! The hot rod guys, lead by Joe-Boy, wait until race day to exact their revenge. They will attack the girls in their clubhouse while their pants are down, so to speak.
They arrive to find little Honey standing outside by herself. Why fuss? They kidnap her, presumably have their way with her, cut her up and drop her off. Now it's Queen who's out for revenge and oh what a revenge it is!!
For those of you familiar with director Lewis, there are no surprises here. It's Lewis through and through, with a little Faster Pussycat thrown in for good measure! It's fun, it's colorful (did I mention that?), it's loud, it's really badly acted and well, much tamer than I expected. The supposed orgies are nothing more than fully clothed make-out sessions. Could play on Disney channel... XX
She Killed in Ecstasy 1970 Tele-Cine
Director: Jess Franco
Starring: Soledad Miranda and nearly everyone else from Vampyros Lesbos!
Dr- Johnson is a scientist, doing cutting edge research with hormone injections. He and his wife (the ever beautiful Miranda) are eagerly awaiting a grant to continue his work but not only is he turned down, but ostracized and stripped of his medical license. Humiliated and destroyed, the doctor has a mental breakdown, which not even Soledad Miranda can cure(!). He slits his wrists with a razor.
Mrs- Johnson goes mad and vows revenge on the four doctors who ruined her husband. The first one is easy, all pious and preachy. Naturally, he's a perverted hypocrite! He falls for her "prostitute" routine and she cuts his throat. Then comes the blond girl, you know... the one from Vampyros Lesbos and again lesbos is the key word! Smothered with a plastic pillow. Each is left with a note saying how many are left.
The next doctor, despite his paranoia and knowing she is Mrs- Johnson, still "takes the bait" (Soledad was a very sexy girl you know...). The last one takes a little more work and by now, Mrs- Johnson is completely bonkers. See, her husbands corpse is laid out nicely on the bed and she talks to him every night. Well tonight, with her last victim at hand, she's feeling frisky and gets a little bit "necro" with her dear departed hubby. It's kind of erotic and gross at the same time!
The ending is somewhat anti-climactic but nonetheless, it's a great film. Much of the same feel as Vampyros Lesbos, even some of the same music... I swear!! She's just a little thing, and pretty as a picture, but she's as deadly as poison and hardly dressed most of the time. With sexual perversion and wild-eyed murder and none of that supernatural stuff! XXXXX
Silent Night, Bloody Night 1973 Armor Films
Director: Theodore Gershuny
Starring: John Carradine
We open with a flaming man running from house and narration that sounds like it's spoken into a tin can! This was x-mas 1950 and after the opening credits, we are back in the present day, where a madman is on the loose. The old Butler place is up for sale and the seller's lawyer is up from the city to close the deal. I don't recall seeing any buyers, but the lawyer is warned by a group of townsfolk that the place is bad news, man! He doesn't care. After checking in with his wife, via phone, he and his girlfriend retreat to the house.
They hang out for a bit, then something happens and he calls the sheriff for help. The sheriff tells the town operator he is going to check things out and heads up to the house. As this is happening, Jeffrey Butler approaches our heroine, who holds him at gunpoint until she is satisfied with his story. One by one, select town residents are drawn to the old house by mysterious telephone calls; the operator, Towman (Carradine) and each seems to meet their fate.
As Jeffrey and the girl return to the home, we enter a lengthy flashback, narrated by Jeffrey's grandfather (the burn victim in the opening). He explains how he built the house, his unholy union with his own daughter, which lead to Jeffrey's birth and her insanity, the doctor he hired to care for his her and eventually other patients they took in. He tells of the staff's lack of concern for the patients and how this lead him to free them all. An unfortunate mistake, as the loonies kill his beloved daughter!
Back in the present, Jeffrey is confronted by the girl's father and a mexican standoff ensues. Our heroine, runs first to her father, then to Jeffrey (whom I think she was starting to dig, if you know what I mean...) but then grandpa appears, not so dead after all and the whole mess is unraveled. Turns out we have a tale of revenge as... well, you'll see.
It's not bad, especially considering the ultra low-budget filming and sound. The story is kinda typical '70's "evil place" fodder and way too confusing (I had to re-watch parts to see if I missed something... and didn't). XX
The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine 1974 Claudia Cinematografica
Director: Sergio Grieco
After initially watching this one without the aid of subtitles and missing much of the detail, I decided to take another look... We begin with Prince Valiant being chased through the woods, where he is shot but not mortally wounded. He finds his way to a convent and "the help" lets him in. We'll assume it's not his first time there, since he is in love with one of the novices. Turns out her parents sent her there to keep Prince Valiant away!
Said novice's roommate is in love with her and when she follows her one night, she is stabbed in the bosom by an unknown nun. The rest of the nuns find the body in the hall and our naughty novice, Lucita, sleeping with her clothes on. The local inquisitor stops in and tortures Lucita until he is satisfied and throws her in the brig. Her lover, Esteban, still hidden in the basement, is powerless to help.
Until the abbess (Mother Superior, Madre, etc) finds him. She takes him to her guest quarters and after "the help" tells him the evil truth about her, Esteban gets busy with the mother nun! The next thing you know, Madre is stabbing "the help" and Esteban catches her. Then the inquisitor catches her in bed with two novices! Wishing to avoid a scandal, he orders the nuns and novices sealed in their convent. They tell Lucita's father she is dead, of some horrible disease.
Esteban knows better and digs up Lucita's grave to prove it. He then gathers the men to mount a full-scale assault on the convent. Behind the sealed doors, the nuns are crazed and wretched by their thirst and hunger, calling out to Satan to save them. The Madre lashes out, and after one of the novices hangs herself, she then sets her sights on Lucita. We can only hope Esteban can break through the mortar in time to save her!
Salvation Films went to much trouble to restore the film, using ultrasound cleaning on the 35mm print and digital color correction for the DVD. It looks and sounds great for a film from this era! With the subtitles, the story made much more sense. Between my broken french and the latin from church, I did pick up on some of the italian first go around. But now, with the full story, I'm adding another X, so... XXXX
Sisters 1973 American International Productions
Director: Brian de Palma
Starring: Margot Kidder
Margot stars as Danielle and Dominique, siamese twins who were separated in their early twenties by a freakish doctor, whom Danielle fell in love with. But that's later. First, we have Danielle, doing her thing... that is picking up a handsome black fellow and bringing him back to the apartment, where she shags him on the hide-a-bed. As the poor chap dresses in the bathroom, we hear Danielle and Dominique arguing in french outside.
Since it's their birthday, our fine afro-ed friend buys them a birthday cake. He lights the candles and surprises who must be Dominique on the hide-a-bed. She takes the knife and stabs the guy repeatedly! As he bleeds out, he crawls to the window where we find a neighbor lady, Grace, has witnessed the whole thing! She calls the police, who think she's up in the night. They investigate a little, just to appease her and leave. Convinced she has witnessed a real murder, she sets out to pull a Nancy Drew.
Grace has her PI buddy sneak in to look for the body, which he thinks is in the hide-a-bed. Grace, meanwhile, follows Danielle and the doctor, who cleaned up the crime scene BTW, to the "clinic", where she sees Danielle acting out and eventually sedated. After seeing the murder weapon, she sneaks around to use a phone elsewhere in the "clinic" and is busted. The doctor tells the orderly she is a new patient and soon she is sedated as well!
The doc hypnotizes her not to remember the initial crime but before she can do anything else, Danielle goes nuts again and kills the doctor. Grace has dreams that she is Dominique through this and awakens to find Danielle and the bloodied doctor atop her! The cops finally come and haul Danielle (or is it Dominique?) off to jail but what of the murder the cops now believe happened and where is the hide-a-bed??
This is an intriguing early work of Brian de Palma, with many of his trademarks already in place. Kidder is very good as the seemingly normal Danielle and the psychopathic Dominique! A very unusual story with an even more unusual ending! XXXX
Sisters of Death 1976 First American Films
Director: Joseph Mazzuca
The film opens with the initiation of two girls into a mysterious sisterhood, perhaps a sorority? In any case, the initiation goes horribly awry when a real bullet has been substituted for a blank and the second initiate has her brains blown out! Flash forward 7 years and all the girls are going about their lives, most are doing well. Except Sylvia, who pulled the trigger... She is languishing as a drunk and prostitute. Anyhow, each of them receives an invitation to attend a "Sisters" reunion and after a few phone calls back and forth, they all decide to go.
They meet up at the hotel, only to find Mark and Joey. They have been hired to drive them to the reunion in their Jeep Wagoneer with sheets in the windows. OK, this should be your first clue that something is not right! Only hippie nature-girl, Penny has any hesitation and she is easily swayed by the others. Off they go, into the country, to a villa in the middle of nowhere. It's surrounded by an electrified fence (second clue...) but hey, there's a swimming pool and an attractive buffet with a banner reading "Welcome Sisters". It must be OK, right?
Mark and Joey, not content with their $500, want to get laid. So, they return to the villa to "party" with the seemingly alone girls. And they do for a little while. Meanwhile, in the villa, an older gentleman is reloading ammo in the attic and watching the festivities from the window. While the rest of the gang is goofing and having fun, the overly serious Penny sits and smokes off on her own. Suddenly, an unseen attacker grabs her leather hippie necklace and throttles her to death!! Well, eventually she is found and the party is over. Each girl is left to wonder who is next.
That night, after Sylvia freaks at the sight of a tarantula on her stomach, Francie is found with a pair of scissor in her back. Next morning, the remaining crew decides to tunnel out. Mark fetches a funnel (a funnel?!) and they start digging. Diane and Joey, who are taking a liking to each other, make an SOS sign and accidentally stumble upon the power source for the fence. This leads to Joey being chased by a dog into the fence and Diane being locked in the cellar, with a rattlesnake! How tragic...
This leaves Mark, Judy and Sylvia. But wait... Where the hell is Sylvia?? Panicked they run into the house searching for her. The old man- who we now know is the father of the murdered initiate- grabs up Judy and shoots at Mark, then turns the dog on him. In the attic, the old man strips Judy and puts her in the old Sisters dress, sits her in a chair, with a noose around her neck. Out comes Sylvia in her gown and veil and the blame game begins- Did Judy switch the bullet? Was it an elaborate suicide? Was Sylvia involved? This is interrupted briefly by Mark, who escape from the dog, but is then knocked out by the old man. The old man is confused and doesn't know who to kill. Mark regains consciousness, takes out the old man, wrestles a gun away from Sylvia and saves Judy from the noose. The two love birds escape to the Jeep. Is it the end? Watch and see...
A very good psychological thriller. XXXX on this one!
Six String Samurai 1998 HSX Films
Director: Lance Mungia
Bear with me now... It's set in the post-nuclear apocalyptic future, where all but Vegas is controlled by the ruskies! Surrounding Vegas is a huge wasteland, overrun with guitar-wielding samurais, all of whom resemble different rock-n-roll legends. Picture the clothes from the Hard Rock Hotel coming to life with no-name actors in them. Now you've got it!
So, this kid, after watching his mother get killed by the "heavy metal" guys, lead by a Slash stand-in, is saved by none other than Buddy Holly. Buddy is on his way to Vegas to vie for the next King of Rock-n-Roll. I guess Elvis left the building, I dunno. Missed that reading part at the first... With Slash hot on his tail and the kid even closer he must battle the Red Elvises, some Ritchie Valens character and eventually the whole fucking red army!
Along the way, of course, he befriends the kid- who saved his ass on numerous occasions. In the end, it's the typical showdown between Buddy and Slash, first on dueling guitar solos and then it's swords!! I won't tell you who wins. I would imagine this was a comic book and you already know... If you're a geek like that!
Like I said, comic book but then it's also very kung-fu movie and kind of sentimental, with the kid and all. Basically, it's kids stuff and I don't like kids stuff! X
Slave of the Cannibal God 1978 Dania Film
Director: Sergio Martino
Starring: Ursula Andress, Stacy Keach
Susan (Andress) is a distraught wife, her husband hopelessly lost in the jungles of New Guinea. She and her brother recruit an explorer, Dr- Foster (Keach) to lead them on an expedition into those jungle to find her husband. Foster, an old friend of her husband knows just where to look and they set off to the coast and to a "cursed" island in their search.
There, they find a mission and a fellow explorer named Minot. They also find a lot of human bones but on they press, seemingly unafraid that the local tribe of cannibals may not be as extinct as they thought. It's over the hills and through the woods, or down the river and past the falls in this case, to the mountain where the husband should be. There, Susan and her brother reveal their true intentions: The uranium on the mountain top!
Suddenly, they find themselves at the mercy of said bloodthirsty cannibals, who it turns out have mounted Susan's husband on a wooden stand as if her were some god. They kill the brother who has already dispatched Foster at the waterfall. The chief recognizes Susan from a photo taken from her husband and they deem her a goddess, mounting her to a similar device for later worship and tying up Minot.
One of the natives stops by to poke at Minot and he heroically kicks the pygmy to the ground, wrestling his spear and breaking free. He rescues Susan and they make a run for it, oddly enough down the river- it must flow whichever way you're going! They fight off a couple of cannibals and ride a log to safety!
Yes, it's hokey and definitely '70s, with the diffusion filter in full effect for the close-ups! But it's well acted, action packed and a lot of fun too. Andress, a little past her prime but still stunning, bares all (which adds points) and does a good job of keeping up with the boys in the treacherous jungle in her high heeled leather boots. It's like Johnny Quest for adults and I like Johnny Quest anyway! XXXX
The Slime People 1963 Joseph F. Robertson Productions
Director: Robert Hutton
OK, there's this guy Tom... and he's flying in his airplane... and he sees a body on the beach. He lands and immediately takes off with his girl, her pop and her sister Bonnie. They go to the studio back lot (saves money on shoot) and watch a newsreel about the "slime people" coming up out of the sewers, with a marine they found along the way.
Seems these "people" have been roused by our nuclear testing (what else...) and are up trying to take over the surface. To do this, they must drop the temperature to the dew point- you know, to keep up their slime coat- by building a wall of smog around Los Angeles. Old pop, he's a professor and he uses some pretty far-fetched science to explain how smog could be turned solid- something about the nitrogen. Yeah...
So, while the rest of LA evacuates to the south and the east, our friends take to the hills to find a way to penetrate the wall. But nothing will dissolve it! What will they do?? Too late, they are surrounded by the monsters and have to fight for their lives... Oh, and shut off that damn smog making machine over there- the one with the balloon on top!
I guess they spent the whole budget on plastic costumes and didn't have any left to do anything but wrestle in the hills for half the picture! Giant mossy monster rise up out of the sewer and what is their weapon of choice? Why, spears of course! Perhaps fashioned from 1" pipe... I don't know. What I do know: This is pretty bad. X
Son of Frankenstein 1939 Universal Pictures
Director: Rowland V. Lee
Starring: Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi and Basil Rathbone(!)
This outing, we have Frankenstein's son, Wolf (Rathbone), returning home with his wife and young child, to live in his dear departed dad's place (or a facsimile thereof). After 25 years, people have still not forgotten the name Frankenstein and the terror Wolf's father unleashed upon them. They muster up a very luke-warm reception for the Baron and his wife.
Once settled in, they start to explore a little. The young 'un goes "hunting" in the woods nearby, while Wolf checks out the collapsed laboratory, where his father once brought the dead to life. There he stumbles upon Ygor (Lugosi), a cast out shepherd who was once hanged for his work with Henry Frankenstein. Once Ygor shows Wolf the sleeping body of the creature (Karloff), they form an uneasy bond.
Wolf becomes determined to bring the creature back to waking life and cure it of any mal intent. Ygor, well... He has other ideas for the creature he has watched for all these years. To bring revenge on the heads of the last remaining men who ordered him hanged! The bergermeister comes 'round once the killing starts but Wolf, too proud to admit he was wrong, denies the monster's existence right up to the end when he is forced to rescue his son from his clutches!
As a child, I mainly recalled this one for the different outfit the monster wore- that wooly thing. As an adult, I found this one long and boring. Little of the sentiment of Frankenstein or Bride remains and who cast that officious prick Basil Rathbone? Anyone would be better than him (Sorry all you Rathbone fans...). This one is a bit thin. XX
Spider Baby 1968 Lasky-Monka
Director: Jack Hill
Starring: the legendary Lon Chaney, Jr. and relative new-comer Sid Haig
To begin, we need a little background, in the way of a lesson on Merrye's disease- a degenerative disorder which affects only the Merrye family and causes its victims to digress into a prenatal state. Victoria and Elizabeth are in their teens but mentally only seven or eight. Ralph (Haig) must be in his twenties and acts like a three year-old... Get the picture?
Chaney plays Bruno, the chauffeur, who has been left guardian of the afflicted brood. Suddenly he finds some distant relatives are trying to get the surviving sick committed to an asylum. Bruno has promised to avert this but he need not worry too much with Virginia's favorite game being to "play spider" and kill intruders with her "fangs" (a pair of butcher's knives).
The guests arrive and quickly assert their intentions, not to mention demanding dinner and lodging for the night! This is convenient for the plot though, giving the asshole Schlocker time to snoop around the house. Meanwhile, in her room, Ann puts on her finest back lingerie and prances before the mirror (that's what ladies did back then, right?).
Schlocker walks right into Virginia's web and Ann, spooked by Ralph watching her through the window, runs out to see the girls pulling Schlocker's body from the elevator. Now she has to run in her cute little ensemble- jiggle, jiggle! By now, Bruno has come to the harsh realization that even if they rid themselves of these intruders, more will come. He hatches a plan to keep his promise and end the outside interference forever!
It may not be as widely known Hill's later exploitation greats Coffy and Foxy Brown but this is surely Hill's masterpiece. Chaney is fantastic as man struggling to keep his promise and Haig is so convincing as Ralph, you may think he's really "special" (He's just a good actor... See Captain Spaulding in House of 1000 Corpses for a polar opposite role!). I love this picutre! XXXXX
The Strange Vice of Mrs- Wardh 1970 Devon Cinemagrafica
Director: Sergio Martino
Starring: Edwige Fenech
Mrs- Julie Wardh (Fenech) is plagued by the memories of her masochistic past and her former sadistic lover, Jean. A car like his is the first thing she sees upon returning to town. Then she sees him at a party, where she has just met another fellow, George. She leaves the party but Jean follows her, apparently eager to resume their sick affair. Fortunately for Julie, her husband Neil arrives to chase Jean off.
With prodding from her slutty blonde friend, Julie starts an affair with George. All the while, a killer is slashing women with a razor. It's in the news everywhere they go. Julie even jokes with her blond friend about it. That is, until her blond friend becomes the next victim of the killer! It soon becomes apparent that the killer is after Julie. After she and Neil find Jean dead in his bath, she fears Neil cannot protect her and she runs off with George.
Julie finds no comfort in the new surroundings, imagining the killer has followed them, which of course he has! See Jean was not really dead... but is he really the killer? And who is behind all of this?? After a couple of twists, I was scratching my own head- wondering what the hell was going on! In the end, it's a double-cross, triple-cross and you won't believe who's doing who!
I must admit, I was very confused near the end of this movie and wondered if it would ever end. Well, it did, and it was very well done! Great characters, well filmed and well, the editing could use some work. I also liked that the DVD allowed you to pick between the english overdub or italian with subtitles. That's nice. This film is a great example of italian cinema, a superb thriller! XXXX
Strangeland 1998 Artisan Entertainment
Director: John Pieplow
Starring: Freddy Kruger himself, Robert Englund and Dee Schneider of Twisted Sister, who also wrote and co-produced.
A couple of teenage girls, including the daughter of a police detective, meet a "boy" online and decide to go meet up with him to have a good time. It doesn't turn out to be a good time though, when the "boy" turns out to be a sadistic predator- a freakishly tattooed and pierced sadistic predator! Using the handle "CaptHowdy", he prowls the internet for teens to torture in his home dungeon. After the two are missing a few days, the other girl's body turns up in a submerged car. The detective now knows his daughter is in grave danger!
With a little old fashioned detective work (and a noisy dog), the detective captures CaptHowdy midway through the film, saving his daughter and several other teens from further torture. In a twist as antiquated as the detective's snub-nose revolver, CaptHowdy (now known by his real name, Carlton) is found "not guilty by reason of insanity" and is reprimanded to an institution. With some aggressive psychotherapy and some thick pancake make-up, Carlton is rehabilitated into an upright citizen... Well, actually kind of a meek hippy.
The townsfolk, including Robert Englund and some uptight christian bitch, are outraged by his release and ultimately lynch Carlton from a dead tree in a rain storm! So, the branch breaks and CaptHowdy is reborn!! Only, now he is seeking is vengeance on those who wronged him. Englund is barbed with meat hooks and the christian bitch has her exceptional tits skewered in some contraption. Eventually, our detective catches up with Capt. and they have their showdown.
I'm not sure what to make of this. There were some very modern elements but much of the story and props were right out of a dated cop show, like the generic computer screen renderings and the above mentioned gun. I mean, when was the last time a cop carried a revolver?? Too much effort spent on being "cool" and not enough attention to detail. XX
Suspiria 1977 Sada Spettacoli S.p.A.
Director: Dario Argento
Little Suzy leaves NYC behind to attend the prestigious Tann Academy of Ballet, in what seems to be Germany but looks more like Italy. She arrives at the school, in the pouring rain, and witnesses a girl shouting and running out. The door closes and Suzy finds herself locked out and spurned by the voice on the other side of the intercom.
That girl is later brutally murdered and word spreads around the school. The faculty tries to convince Suzy she should stay at the school and after a fainting spell, she finds that she suddenly is. There, she is kept and drugged to keep from straying. It is Suzy's friend (and former roomate) who does the snooping and finds out some unsavory things about the academy and it's greek founder, who was allegedly a witch! Some of this sparks memories of the night she arrived for Suzy.
Her friend's curiosity turns to near madness as the friend delves deeper into the academy's past and she soon finds herself chased to the attic, where she meets her death in a chamber of razor wire! Finally Suzy starts putting things together. She also stops drinking her "wine", which has been supplied by the faculty since her spell. Good thing too, because it is now up to Suzy to remember what the fleeing girl said and lift the cloak of ancient mystery surrounding the school.
A very suspenseful, well written and well acted thriller by Dario Argento, with fantastic cinematography and bold and colorful lighting, much like Mario Bava employed. What really set this apart is the electronic score by "Goblins". Very effective. This is a gem of italian cinema! XXXXX
Swamp Country 1966 Patrick-Sandy Productions
Director: Robert Patrick
Starring: "Steve Trevor" himself, Lyle Waggoner and the guy who wrote Lonesome Town, Baker Knight!
A leggy blonde in a red dress and matching convertible checks into a roadside motel, the Swamper (no lie!) with a San Diego photographer right behind her. She goes out for a drink and when she gets back, after a brief striptease, she is strangled by a mysterious pair of hands. The photographer, Dave, hears her scream and goes to see what is happening. There, he finds the girl and finds himself the main suspect! Off he runs, into the swamp.
Meanwhile, the redheaded daughter of a redheaded drunk widow is courting two men- the safe but boring sheriff and a goin'-nowhere-fast renegade country crooner, Baker Knight (played convincingly by Baker Knight!). Well, the sheriff is a little busy. He, his deputy (Waggoner) and some locals with hound dogs are hunting photographer Dave in the Okefenokee.
This Dave Wetzel, however, is no city boy. He is a wildlife photographer who spent his military days training soldiers for jungle combat. When the sheriff finds this, he knows he won't be finding the man soon. But he has a new problem. Baker Knight has been kidnapped! By moonshine gangsters! Red insists the sheriff help rescue his rival for her love. Sticky, sticky...
Back in the swamp, Dave rescues red's lil' sis from a panther (more of a cougar actually) and she tells red, who hatches a plan to prove Dave innocent and finally makes up her mind whether to marry the sheriff and live happily ever after in Podunk, GA or wait for Baker to get his shit together and move to Nashville.
This is the best swamp movie I've seen yet! Sure, it's full of bad acting, corny lines and implausible situations but it is a fun-filled, action-packed romp in the swamp with a great soundtrack of Baker Knight songs! Yee-haw!! XXX
Swamp Girl 1971 Donald A. Davis Productions
Director: Donald A. Davis
Starring: Country crooner Ferlin Husky
Ah, 1971 and the color is much better as our heroine, Janine, a "flaxen-haired" young lady and her black "pa", Nat make out an meager existence in the swamp. But times they are a-changin' and when Jeanine tries to rescue a man bitten by cottonmouths, she draws the attention of the quick to judge (and likely quick to burn a cross locals).
After a chance encounter with a kind swamp ranger named Jim (Husky), she tells Nat and Nat tells her, via flashback, the story of how she narrowly escaped white slavery with his help and they became a family. About then, a bitchy escaped convict and her boyfriend break down on the road. Looking for the state line, they head into the swamp and find Nat and Janine's home. They kill Nat and when Janine returns, force her to lead them to safety.
Complicate this with the convict's lunatic parents hiring the yokel locals to help them find the "precious" little girl. They instead find her murder victim, as Janine leads the two would-be kidnappers into a trap. But will it work? Or will she find herself the victim of the convict's parents and the yokels? I reckon you'll just have to watch and see!
This is much better than Swamp Women (below), although some of the same element appears to be thrown in. For an unknown, the girl is very convincing as the swamp rat, trying to keep her home safe. Now the song on the other hand is a little too contrived, "Swamp girl, swamp girl...", especially when sung by the ranger when we meet him. Oh, boy... I give it a solid XXX.
Swamp of the Lost Monster (a.k.a. El plantano de las ánimas) 1957 Almeda Films. American release 1965
Director: Raphael Baldeón
Starring: Bullfighter/actor Gastón Santos
What we have here is kind of like a mexican variety show- it's a monster movie, it's a western, it's a comedy, it's a mystery with a million dollars at stake. All that is missing is the dancing bikini girls! A dandy cowboy named Gastón calls upon a friend to help him solve a mystery. A man is dead and he left all his money to his brother and nothing to his widow but the old house.
Come to find out, the old lady is blind and no one can verify that her husband was indeed buried. If that isn't enough, a strange swamp creature is scaring people off, ála Scooby-Doo. A creature that looks strangely similar to Creature from the Black Lagoon, I might add! Coincidence?
While Gastón sits atop his dancing horse, the surviving brother and his nefarious buddies are plotting some bad deed or another. That is, when they are not getting killed by the swamp monster! Now, the funny thing is... The underwater scenes have better color rendering than the scenes on dry land, which are all an warm orange shade. Perhaps the hot mexican sun...
I won't say how it ends but to say completely unlike Creature from the Black Lagoon.
This was just too much western and not enough suspense. Way too much horse dancing going on here! Are we at the rodeo? Anyway, it wasn't a complete waste of time. The monster was funny, as was the scene where the bad guys fall into a hay loft- repeatedly. Like Swamp Women (below) X.
Swamp Women 1955 American International Pictures
Director: Roger Corman
Starring: Mike "Touch" Connors (Mannix, for you young 'uns)
The action (and I use that term loosely) starts with stock footage of Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Rich oil guy Bob (Connors) and his gold-digging girl Marie are hanging out, while she fawns over him and begs him to take her out to the bayou, where the next big oil boom is happening. More stock footage, more gold-digging, etc.
Cut to a women's prison, with all the stereotypical wise-crackin' criminal broads. Just as fast, cut back to the big easy and a police woman (a rare sight in the south at the time I'm sure) and her cap'n talking about finding some diamonds years lost in the swamp. All the men involved in the heist are dead but their women... Maybe those women know something. Police woman decides she will go undercover in prison and bust the girls out to see.
The plan works, almost too easy. These jail "birds" are just so fake hard! They bust out and conveniently have a car AND a boat waiting for them. Why that's not suspicious at all! Well, it turns out the boat is leaky. Fortunately, that boring couple we met in the first 15 minutes shows up on their swamp expedition. The girls lure them in and in the ensuing mêlée the guide is shot by the redhead jail "bird".
Now starts the struggle. Police woman must try to protect the couple without blowing her cover. Her job gets easier when the gold-digger, who is short on brains drowns herself but harder again when she is tasked with killing the Bob after they find the diamonds. Oh, no! What will she do?
Filmed in Pathécolor, which is to say just barely color, this is Corman's directorial debut and bears the hallmark jazzy soundtrack of later, much better films, such as A Bucket of Blood and Little Shop of Horrors. This flick however was slow paced, full of bad actors delivering unbelievably bad dialogue. I guess you have to start somewhere... X