Panic in the Year Zero 1962 American International Pictures
Director: Ray Milland
Starring: Ray Milland and Frankie Avalon
It's your average family- Mom, pop (Milland) and their perfectly behaved teenagers, Rick (Avalon) and um... The blonde girl (sorry, no Annette Funicello this time!). They take off on a camping trip to the california mountains and while they are on the road, the unthinkable happens. A nuclear attack on Los Angeles! Now, all mom can think about is getting home to grandma but pop is convinced there is no more grandma.
Mom insists they go back, so they do... As far back as they can get. Soon they realize mom is a hapless dreamer, and with the growing number of people fleeing for the hills, they are best off heading to the woods to fend for themselves. Pop musta been in the boy scouts because he is ready for anything. Good thing, because NY, Chicago and Frisco have all been hit and Europe in in shambles!
They stop in a small town and stock up on groceries, supplies and guns. Along the way, pop is resorting to more and more desperate measures to protect his family. But with towns sealing off their perimetres and roving gangs of unruly teens, times are turning him to desperation. Damn those roo-skis!
The family holes up in a cave Rick had found the year before but despite their best measures to hide themselves, there are others around. And not all of them are friendly. Good thing they got those guns!
Knowing what we know today, it seems absurd that someone would go back to a city that had been nuked to check on grandma but hey- back then, kids were trained to hide under their school desks in the event of an atom bomb in their neighborhood! What hasn't changed is the survivalist mentality. Milland portrayed the paranoia perfectly, only in this case it may well have been warranted. A very interesting moral dilemma. XXXX
The Peacekillers 1971 Transvue Pictures
Director: Douglas Schwartz
Peace lovin' hippies, Kristen and Jeffrey stop at ol' Ben's gas and liquor for some supplies and when Jeff walks out he sees bad news- friends of Kristen's former biker old man, Rebel. He sends her out the back and races off with her but not before Cowboy sees her. The bikers 3 ride back to camp to tell the boss.
Rebel assembles his crew and heads out to track down Kristen, starting with Ben and a little torture. Once they know where the hippies hang, they ransack the place, tie the peace loving leader of the commune to his own peace sign and take off with Kristen. Jeffrey is now fed up with peace and trying to reason with these heathens and vows revenge, much to the dismay of Lead Hippie.
While the boys are drinking in a local tavern, the tied up Kristen comes to and wiggles her way to the road, where she is found by a rival motorcycle gang, headed by a pissed off black woman named Black Widow. She had a scrape with Rebel some years ago, which left a massive scar on her face, so she agrees to help out poor Kristen.
Back at the commune, the bikers decide to stay and fight Rebel and his crew there. Despite Lead Hippie's pleas for reasoning with them, all the hippies decide it is OK to defend themselves from Rebel and crew. The make weapons, they make traps and the Widow's crew lies in wait. Sure as shit, Rebel shows up and the fight is on.
Here is the T&A missing from such hits as She-Devils on Wheels. Still clichéd beyond belief but grittier and uglier than Satan's Sadists, perhaps even more realistic (I was never in a motorcycle gang). This film is, however, a perfect illustration of all that is wrong with the hippie culture... The naive belief that everyone has peace and love deep inside them and it just has to be brought out. Sorry hippies, some folks are just bad. Nice lesson. XXX
Peeping Tom 1960 Michael Powell Productions
Director: Michael Powell
Mark is a handsome guy, a photographer and cinematographer by trade. He lives in the house his wealthy parents left him but since he can't really afford it, he has taken in boarders; including a bachelor and a mother and her 21 yr-old daughter. Mark is a different sort though; hiding away in his dark room/projection room and living out his perverted fantasies. His fetish? Filming girls' reaction to fear. The terror in their eyes as he kills them!
First, a hooker, then as he secretly works the "nudies" he meets a model with a hair-lip, who really gets him worked up! Interrupting all this, the homely redhead, Helen, who boards with her mother at Mark's house. She befriends Mark, even coming up to watch films of Mark being tortued as a child, by his own father. Guess the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree!
After a long day at the studio, what better way to unwind than killing a stand-in for the lead in the film (perhaps commercial?) your shooting. While the also redheaded stand-in dances about, Mark readies the scene and when all is said and done, he stuffs her in a blue trunk. Right where the main actress finds her in the next day's shoot. Of course, Mark is right there with his camera to catch her reaction as well!!
Well, even Mark can't go on killing forever and eventually the police catch up with him, but not before his new love Helen finds out the truth. And the truth is not pretty here! It's too late to stop him now... Mark carries out his master plan and we are left to pick up the pieces.
A brilliant piece of british cinema! Mark is so good that we despise him and feel sorry for him all at the same time. Some of us might even identify with him a little! Well written, well acted and well filmed. Maybe a little slow at times but it all carries the atmosphere and adds to the awkwardness of Mark in general. XXXXX
The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues 1955 Milner Brothers
Director: Dan Milner
Something freaky is going on out there in the water- a light from the bottom of the ocean and rumors of a sea serpent! More worrisome, though... Bodies washing up on shore. A mysterious "vacationer" Ted runs into a buzz-cut g-man over the corpse of one unlucky diver, burned horribly. Ted is really Dr- Stevens, there to investigate the same strangeness.
He meets up with Professor King at the nearby Pacific College of Oceanography but finds King to be a very secretive sort (even his secretary and faithful assistant can't get into his lab!). Fortunately, King's daughter Lois is hot and single. What a coincidence! More divers dragged under by the monster and into the radioactive light, their charred corpses on shore (in the same boat!).
Now we find some evil blonde is behind the assistant's attempts to steal King's secrets- the assistant and the secretary in cahoots! But who is the secretary working for? She's meeting with the g-man too! Finally, flat-top and Ted start working together (in the same boat!) but someone is trying to stop them. Then the secretary turns up dead and King is suspect.
He is eventually cleared of her murder but his secret is far worse than any dead Ethel and it's at the bottom of the sea! After a ship wanders into the light and is blown to smithereens, King cannot take it. He decides to do everything in his will to stop this madness!
Not bad really. Despite the obviously low-budget, it still manages to deliver. The underwater cinematography isn't quite Creature from the Black Lagoon quality but it's pretty good. The monster, however, is far inferior. Plastic and stiff, like a child's toy, it pokes up out of the sea grass like an oversize finger-puppet! Still, a radioactive "death ray" on the ocean floor? You gotta love that! XXX
Phantom Ship a.k.a. The Mystery of the Mary Celeste 1935 Guaranteed Pictures
Director: Denison Clift
Starring Bela Lugosi
OK, here we go again after the assholes at Rocky Mountain Power can't keep the electricity on!
To the best of my memory: Bela plays a one-armed sailor this time, who stumbles into port and is recruited to sail upon the Marie Celeste, with a butt-load of liquor. But there will be no drinking on this trip, the captain's bride is coming along! Then there is the mate and 11 crew, all the stereotypes are represented- the wannabe boxer, the squeezebox playing singer (actually they all sing, Must be irish!), the old guy, the tough guys who wants to make the bride his and a borrowed guy from the captain's main rival(?).
Naturally, there is a storm and the tough guy takes the opportunity to try and get with the bride. Bela kills him and in the process gains the captain's trust. This after another crewman saves the captain's life, when the borrowed member tries to kill him! We're down two crew members but don't worry, we're just getting started!
One by one they disappear (or in one case go crazy and jump off the main topgallant boom), until all that are left are the mate, Bela and some tattooed guy. The tattooed guy decides the mate is at fault and goes above deck to stab him. Well, we all know you don't take a knife to a gunfight and the mate returns to take Bela to drink the captain's whiskey... I mean, why not? Next thing you know another ship pulls along the Marie Celeste and finds her sailing along with not a soul aboard.
This one was OK. Much better than last week's Hitchcock, which I couldn't even finish watching! So, even Hitchcock had to work up to a good picture. It was very predictable but then the title is Phantom Ship! Bela plays another of his crazed villains, i.e. White Zombie. It's no wonder he was type cast and his career faltered. Certainly no fault of Boris Karloff! Watchable but not memorable. X
The Phantom from Space 1953 Planet Filmplays
Director: W. Lee Wilder
After an unidentified object shoots down from the arctic to Santa Monica, a strange radiation field starts moving NE on the ground, leaving in it's wake many tales of a headless man in a diving suit. A sort of a mobile civilian ground alert tracks the interference to some oil fields and there they find him- the man in the diving suit, helmet and all.
After the manly men trap the "diver" in a workshop, he disrobes and we see why some described him as headless... He's invisible! The scientists take the suit (and inadvertently, the space man) back to the lab. There they find the helmet is OK but the suit is radioactive and also made of some impenetrable alloy. They also come to grips with the fact that the visitor is not of this earth!
As our lady scientist works on the suit, she finds she is not alone. The space man returns to the lab and takes back his helmet momentarily. She realizes he can only go so long breathing our air, and his supply is running low. Next week have a series of unnecessary chases through the facility as the space man alternates between hiding in the bushes and sneaking back in to breathe. Finally, the men decide to help him but is it too late?
Despite the serious nature and sense of urgency portrayed, there a a number of blunders and tricks which make this more of a comedy- not the least of which are the porno style editing, where scenes are repeated to save on film. I swear that spaceman's shadow ran past that wall a dozen times, and it doesn't help that they shot it both directions! It is funny enough to make it worth watching but just barely... XX
The Phantom of the Opera 1925 Universal Pictures
Director: Rupert Julian
Starring: Lon Chaney- that be the elder!
When two businessmen buy the Paris Opera, they find that they have bought a little more than they bargained for. Seems the place is haunted by some phantom. Of course, they start snooping around to see if any of this nonsense is true but mostly, they just find a disappearing act in box 5. It's enough to spook them though...
The new owners soon get a note from the phantom, stating that Christine Daaé shall play the lead in Faust... Or else! Now, Carlotta (the biggest diva this side of the Alps) is slated to play the part and her mother/agent is having no part of this phantom nonsense. Carlotta goes on opening night, as scheduled, and our smug friend laugh at the thought of any real threat. That is until the chandelier crashes down on the crowd!
After the show, Christine disappears into the bowels of the opera and her beau Raoul grows frantic. When she returns to the surface, she tries to abide by the phantom's rules but finds she cannot. She secretly meets Raoul and pisses the phantom off big time! So, the creep takes her back to the cellar and Raoul enlists the help of the second creepiest character, who turns out to be a cop.
The phantom tries every trick in the book to woo Christine, and at the same time to kill Raoul and his brother. But alas, the phantom cannot kill true love. Nor can he find it for himself- the hideous ghoul! It's like a deformed janitor trying to win the heart of a gold-digger from some millionaire. Ain't gonna happen...
I recognize the significance of this film and it's place in history. When released, there was certainly no better telling of Leroux's story. I of course was raised on "talkies" and while some silent films hold you spellbound, this does not. It's much too long and filled with all the painful gesturing of a stage play, the same gesturing which ruined many early "talkies". Definitely worth seeing, from a historical perspective and it is fun from time to time, but not top of the line in my book. XX
The Phantom Planet 1961 Four Crowns Productions
Director: William Marshall
Starring: Yes, that's Richard Kiel in that space-pig suit.
Open on a couple of astronauts, in their spaceship, trying to sound smart by using a bunch of technical words- but not in any logical order... Bam! they crash into a flying turd! Roll credits. Back on the moon (home base it turns out) the colonel says something like, "Damn it! we've lost two ships. Get Frank Chapman up there in another ship!" Good idea, let's kill all of our men!
Chapman and some lieutenant take off toward where they lost the last two, but then veer off course as "lightning doesn't strike twice". Oops! A malfunction. I know... Let's have a space walk. But some mysterious space bullets force them back in and the lt. doesn't make it. He floats off into space, saying a little prayer- as if that will help.
As the turd approaches, a ray shoots out a sucks the ship down safely. A dazed Frank stumbles out and falls down. Soon he is surrounded by little people (and I don't mean midgets!). These six inch men open his space helmet and once he is exposed to their atmosphere, Frank himself shrinks. He is captured and taken to their leader. Then tried, convicted and sentenced to marry one of two sexy broads. Sacre bleu!
Liara takes to him right away. The other, a mute, is more shy. Trouble is... While Liara loves Frank, this guy Herrin loves Liara and he is pissed about Frank. He challenges Frank to a duel- which Herrin loses. But Frank spares him and he comes around to help Frank escape so he can have his precious Liara back. What does Frank care? He loves the mute girl! Then there are these damn solarites attacking us!! It's an all out war...
I would not have been surprised if Ed Wood himself was at the helm. Same criswellian narration, same technical mumbo-jumbo, a dildo with fins, pig-men from outer space and what do these "solarites" fly in? Why, burning marshmallows!! Are you kidding?! It's outright terrible in every conceivable fashion, but yet you want to watch. You want Frank to kick ass. You want him to nail both chicks. You want him to get back home. In his flying dildo. XXX
Pieces 1983 Aldema Productions
Director: J. Piquer Simon
We've got a young boy, who is putting together a puzzle of a nude woman. His "upright citizen" mother catches him and goes on a rampage of the Mommy Dearest variety! She trashes his room and orders him to go get a bag so she can burn the filth. Instead, he fetches and ax and chops dear ol' mom in the head with it. The police find him cowering in a closet... poor boy.
Forty years pass and something sinister is afoot at the local college. A sunbathing girl is butchered with a chainsaw, right there in the green grass of the campus grounds. Police note that parts of the girl have been taken by the killer. Another grisly chainsaw killing (this time at the pool) and the cops decide to plant one of their own as the new female "tennis coach" and recruit some kid named Kendall to help watch things on campus.
Despite these measures, the killings continue, each gorier than the last and with different "pieces" taken from the crime scene. These killings are very realistic and more graphic than the average slasher film. The camera zooms in on one victim's crouch as she pisses herself when confronted by the killer. Then a close-up of the chain cutting into her flank. Next scene, she is a bloodied stump, her entire lower body removed!
Along the way, we are presented with a cast of potential suspects: The weirdo gardener (who may have inspired Willy of The Simpsons), the weirdo professor (who conveniently appears at each killing), etc. As the killings continue, so does the close-up of the killer's gloved assembling the blood-soaked puzzle from his youth. That is until, some old fashioned detective work brings forth a suspect and damn, wouldn't you know it, our police woman is with him right now! The cops kick down the door, just in time, but a gruesome surprise awaits them!
This may be the goriest slasher film of the 80's. Clearly inspired by films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th, but without those pesky american film industry censors... Very bloody but also very predictable. XXX
Plan 9 from Outer Space 1956 Wade Williams Productions
Director: Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Starring: Bela Lugosi, Vampira and the usual cast of Ed Wood cronies!
"Flying saucers over Hollywood. Flying saucers over Washington, DC." drones Criswell, as we see plastic model saucers hanging from fishing line wobbling their way from coast to coast. Soon, one lands in a california cemetery and strange things begin to happen. An old man (Lugosi) laments the loss of his wife (Vampira) while she roams the graveyard at night, killing gravediggers.
Eventually, the old man follows her to the grave- apparently too despondent to notice things like traffic on a busy street! And just as quickly, he is roaming the boneyard too. By now, the cops are on the case (the usual bunch of idiot cops, that is...) lead by swedish wrestler Tor Johnson and unfortunately, he speaks. Lord only knows what he says but no matter. He gets killed and resurrected, like the others.
As the cops battle the graveyard ghouls, we learn that the ghouls are under the control of the spacemen (and woman) in the saucer. Far more technologically advanced than we humans but completely inept it seems, they bungle every attempt to "capture the minds" of living earthlings. They prance around in their Shakespeare outfits and spill their whole plan to the cops!
Widely heralded as the worst movie of all time, by the worst director of all time. Forty years later, this is hardly the case with mindless drivel like Dirty Dancing and overextended music-video garbage like Alien Blood, we have seen far worse than Ed Wood, Jr. Looking back, Woods films are not much worse than many of his contemporaries and they exude a charm that endures. Plan 9 is Wood's masterpiece and though terribly flawed is a very entertaining picture! XXXXX
Planet of the Vampires 1965 Entertainment International
Director: Mario Bava
A luxuriously roomy spaceship is sent to investigate a distress call from a far-off planet. It's leather-clad crew braving the perils of space to rescue some fallen comrades, including Captain Mark's brother. They suddenly find themselves trapped by a strong gravitational pull, toward the mysterious planet! They land, and strange forces immediately take over, the crew fighting each other like savages. Their minds are not their own it seems!
Once composure is regained, and they inadvertently find out the atmosphere is friendly, the crew sets out across the strange landscape. The twin ship lies just the other side of some boiling lava bed and they must jump from rock to rock to get there. Once there, they find (gasp!) the other crew has turned upon each other, with deadly results. On they press, finding another much larger ship. It's occupant's skeletal remains three times the size of a human. Two crew members are briefly trapped in the ship, then the return to the other ship to find all of the dead missing!
A fog drifts across the landscape and the dead begin rising from their graves. Mark and his crew struggle to fight off the undead and one by one, they are losing crew to the vampires. Two of the vampire steal the "meteor deflection" device and take it to the other ship. Mark leads what's left of his crew to retrieve the device so they can return home. The vampires are fully intent on beating them there to take over their home planet. The race is on- will they pull it off? A real surprise ending too!
A masterpiece by director Mario Bava, with great costumes, stunning visual effects (for the time) and beautiful cinematography. A little fake blood can't ruin this one! XXXXX
Point of Terror 1971 Crown International Pictures
Director: Alex Nichol
Picture a gyrating Tom Jones impersonator, in a tight red jumpsuit with a huge collar and 18 inch fringe across the chest, back and arms... And that's just the opening credits! Tom is actually Tony Trelos, a cheesy lounge singer down at the Lobster House. He's got a redhead girlfriend named Sally and a dumpy apartment, just off the beach. What a swingin' guy, you might say!
One day Tony wakes up from a bloody nightmare to find an older, but still very attractive, blonde flirting with him. He tells her to come see him perform that night and she does. Turns out she's the wife of a paraplegic record producer and since the accident, she's been running the company. They strike a little "deal". She'll get him a record deal if he'll supply the one thing that's been missing in her life... you know what I mean.
Thing move smoothly, until her husband witnesses their poolside romp. He confronts his wife and after a little brawl, ends up at the bottom of the pool. At the funeral, Tony is taken with a young blonde girl, who we find out later is the daughter of his "business partner", Andrea. Tony tries a power play on Andrea but she comes out on top and assures Tony he will do what she says. She then mysteriously leaves town.
Tony finds her friend drunk and give her a ride home, where he and the daughter, Helayne, finally meet. Next thing you know it's love, ahhhh. They elope to Tiajuana. When Andrea returns, she is none too happy about it. She tells Tony he just screwed himself out of the money by marrying Helayne before she turns 25. But he doesn't care, he's in love. Ahhhh. Andrea becomes so enraged by his rejection, that he is forced to pick her up above his head, twirl around in circles and throw her off the point, to the rocks below!
Finally, he and Helayne can be happy together, except that Tony's now pregnant girlfriend (remember her?) needs to see him one last time before they leave. Then the surprise ending, followed by another twist in the plot! What the hell is going on??
This is a great example of '70s cheese. Great music, scenery and clothes. Fine cinematography and typical of the era, a split screen love scene! Adequate story, so-so acting and just plain funny!! XXXXX
Prime Evil 1988 Crown International Pictures
Director: Roberta Findlay
As the opening credits roll, we learn of a dark satanic cult operating in the middle ages, within the walls of the church. To our disbelief, this cult has managed to thrive into modern times. Which is where we find Alex. She comes from a long line of weirdoes. Her own father tried to pimp her out when she was 6, but her grandfather saved her. She grew up and moved to the city, where she lives with her mother and works in a women's shelter.
Turns out grandpa isn't such a great guy either, as he is a member of said cult and his plan is to sacrifice Alex on the winter solstice and seize power of the cult! His girlfriend/wife/whatever, Alison gives the church handyman a list of people to "clean up" and Alex's friends start disappearing or winding up dead. Among those dead, a priest, and a nun comes forward with information about the cult and her own dark childhood. The bishop reluctantly agrees to send the nun undercover(!) to infiltrate the cult and stop the sacrifice!
Meanwhile, Alex's fiancé is putting the pieces together. He calls the detective assigned to the whole mess and tells him to meet him somewhere. Too late! He finds himself hurled from the roof of the church. Finally the detective comes around but wait... it's decembre 21st. Is he too late? Can our undercover nun do the job, or has she herself become a bride of Satan?
This movie tries really hard to be the ultimate occult thriller but it's not. It's very reminiscent of The Pyx (see below), which is a little better! Still, it's a pretty good flick about quasi-satanic cults, murder and lust for power. I give it... XXX
Private Parts 1972 Penelope Productions/MGM Pictures
Director: Paul Bartell
Teenage exploitation at its finest. We open on a couple making love in their beachside cottage. Only, they sense someone is watching and sure enough, it's Cheryl- their goofy roommate. She forgot her wallet or some crap. Well, the naked bitch let's her have it and poor Cheryl packs her shit (and the bitch's wallet) and hits the road.
From the beach to run-down LA, and there she finds what she is looking for... Aunt Martha's hotel. I'm sure it was the talk of the town in 1900 but now it's a run-down dump, chock full of crazies! Aunt Martha begrudgingly takes her in- as long as she promises not to go snooping around AND not to bother that cute photographer guy, down the hall.
But Cheryl hears strange goings on in the room next door and when she ask Aunt Martha, well... That's just storage. No one lives in there. Well, one day, Cheryl gets her chance. She finds the keys and goes snooping. What she finds is that indeed no one lives there but someone spends a lot of time in there... Watching her!
Since she is pretty sure it's the cute photographer, she plays along, even dressing up in clothes the guy leaves in her room. But trust me, this is the least weird thing about this guy and Aunt Martha again warns Cheryl to stay away from him... Or else! you know how teenage girls are though. Cheryl sets up a "date" for photos with him and sets up her destiny in the process!
This one is still a good one... Ahead of it's time in showing the seedy underbelly of Hollywood- a "leather-fag" priest who maintains a shrine to body builders behind his shrine to Jesus, the hopeless drunk wanna-be writer, the poor old lady talking to herself and of course the x-rated photographer with the dark-room in the basement and a bunch of secrets! Weird and suspenseful. XXXX
Project Moonbase 1953 Galaxy Pictures, Inc.
Director: Richard Talmadge
Starring: The guy from I Dream of Jeanie, Hayden Rorke.
In this hokey 1950s "look into the future" (1970, to be exact), we find us earthlings colonizing the moon, via our international space station orbiting earth. Our team of astronauts and a very un-feminist "colonel" (daughter of General Alfred Bellows no less...) in the Space Brigade, or whatever they call themselves, blast into space and dock at the space station.
But wait! One of the male astronauts is actually... A foreign spy, sent there to sabotage the mission! Oh no!! What will they do, especially with this hapless, typical '50s female in charge! Don't worry, Major Bill will save the day... Or at least throw in a stereotypical love story! Then dear old dad gets on the Skype and marrys them so they won't be an embarrassment to Truman/Eisenhower America! Imagine, a man and woman living together on a space station, out of wedlock. Ah... the '50s was so funny...
This was a real piece of work- with nice plastic models and laughable "special effects". Like much 1950s fare, it was just so damn predictable. Not one original thought in the whole thing. No wonder the general became a shrink and ended up counseling Roger and Tony about their ridiculous Jeanie fantasy! XX (That extra X is for their funny outfits. Apparently in 1970, stewardess hats and short-shorts are all the rage in space!)
The Pyx 1973 Host-Robar Productions
Director: Harvey Hart
Starring: Karen Black, Christopher Plummer with music by Karen Black!
Oh, The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black… a great name for a band and this one features Karen in her prime!
Two
detectives start investigating the case and slowly discover that our poor dead
hooker got mixed up with the wrong crowd. The film cuts back and forth between
the lead detective (Plummer) and the last hours of
We
learn that a particularly wealthy client is interested in
All
culminates on the wealthy man's boat as his driver holds an investigator
hostage. We flash back to
A very good occult drama and Karen's songs really add to the feel. Dark, brooding and kind of sexual!! XXXXX