One Million BC 1940 Hal Roach Studios
Directors: Hal Roach, Jr., Hal Roach
Starring: Victor Mature, Carole Landis and Lon Chaney, Jr.
Not One Million Years BC, with Rachel Welch. No, we can't afford that here! This is the 1940 version, black and white, and much more cheesy. So, there is the Rock Tribe (you know, war-like republicans) and then there is the Shell Tribe (peace and love democrats). Victor Mature, he is in the Rock Tribe but he gets his ass thrown out. Actually, he gets injured and they leave him there to die.
Along comes Carole Landis in her lovely chamois one-piece and rescues Victor, takes him back home where he struggles to learn concepts like sharing the wealth and compassion for others. After he starts a fight, he is kicked out and he and Carole go back to the Rock Tribe to show them "the way".
Then there are the dinosaurs... That's right, dinosaurs and humans living side by side like it's a christian educational display! These aren't just any dinosaurs. There is a gila monster and then a baby alligator with a fin glued on his back. Ha!! This being the pre-PETA days of Hollywood, the two fake dinosaurs actually fight to the death on film! (I'll let you guess which one wins...)
In the end, the pussy Shell Tribe is ill equipped to fight off the dinosaurs and they all must band together to save their asses. Kinda like now, where neither side can make any sense on their own. But how are they going to fight a volcano and indeed, one million years later, what can we do about a volcano?
This was a mildly entertaining, family friendly romp through "history" and it did spawn not only the Rachel Welch remake but Ringo Starr's Caveman, which was truly hilarious! XX
Orgy of the Dead 1965 Astra Productions
Director: A. C. Stephen
Starring: Criswell and a bevy of hip shakin' beauties!
An aging Criswell welcomes us to the night, by reading some very Ed Wood text off the teleprompter. We then join Bob, the horror writer and his whiny girlfriend Shirley, the stripper turned "actress". Note: Bob isn't much of an actor either. He sounds like he's reading a book! Anyway, they are driving out to the old graveyard for inspiration on a new story. In the most implausible turn of events, they crash the car (spinning camera effect!).
After coming to, they hear music coming from the graveyard and go to investigate. There they find Criswell and his goth girlfriend watching a go-go stripper shaking her stuff. Soon they are caught by a wolfman and a mummy and are tied to styrofoam posts where they must endure the torture of watching a review of 1965's top strippers. Oh, the horror!
In-between shakers, Criswell promises his girl she will have "her fun" before the moon sets and the sun comes up, but just one more topless girl. Wait, one more. Maybe one more. Finally, he gives goth girl her chance. She rips open Shirley's blouse and cuts her bra, but alas... The sun! Goth girl melts to the ground and there sits a skeleton, where once sat Criswell. And yet, he narrates to the end!
A. C. Stephen directs what is otherwise a true Ed Wood movie. The set is much improved, maybe the costumes, color film and I'm sure they had to pay the strippers! If Stephen will pay for all that, why not let him direct? Still, Eddie was much more involved than just writing the script. He was there on set and it's certainly obvious. Fun, sexy but really just an excuse to show strippers at the drive-in! XXXX