The Naked Witch 1961 Alexander Enterprises
Directors (That's right. It took two!): Claude Alexander, Larry Buchanan
Cue bongos! Something Weird brings us the longest opening sequence in the history of film! A history of witchcraft set to images of Hieronymus Bosch paintings of hell. Finally, about a third of the way through the picture, we see the title of the the film The Naked Witch! With Libby Hall as the naked witch. Who, you say? Indeed.
A very bad actor, I mean student, is on his way to Luckenbach, texas (long before Waylon and Willie) to research a thriving german community there(?) and their ties to witchcraft. Of course, he is not received well. All the old timers in this european town think he's trouble but one of their daughters thinks he's OK. She gets him a room at the inn and slips him a book about the Luckenbach witch.
That night, he sneaks out and with just a few handfuls of dirt he exposes the body of the witch, who we learned in a flashback had an affair with the innkeeper and was then vilified by said innkeeper and slain. There she lie, just waiting for some bastard to dig her up so she can have her revenge. You know the story...
Student know the truth and set out to sly the witch again, before she kills all the innkeeper's offspring- including what's her name, the daughter who gave him the book. So, he goes to get the witch but falls under her spell and swims around naked with her. Geez, man. Will this guy stop looking at her tits for a second and remember why he was looking for the witch?
Does it really matter? This was a true early T&A film. Nonsense story (when you got to it), horrible writing, shitty acting, the works! All for a few shots of uh... Libby Hall running or swimming topless (which I guess was naked for 1961). I think the best thing in this movie was the witch's eyebrows. They were a stronger actor than the guy who played the student. Guess that's why this was his only film! Also, the face of the dead witch seemed to be the inspiration for the Scream mask. If not, helluva coincidence. X
The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave 1971 Phase One Pictures
Director: Emilio Miraglia
A dark (both figuratively and literally) british psychological drama, that opens with the deranged Lord Alan Cunnigham escaping from the mental ward, then goes back to how he came to be institutionalized. From what I could gather, Lord Alan's deceased wife Evelyn was believed to be having an affair and one dark evening, she was killed(?) Nonetheless, all that remains of her in the castle is a portrait, showcasing her curly red locks. Her body is interred at the family tomb outside.
Lord Alan seems a little off-kilter. He is visited by his wife's image and voice and has taken a liking to picking up red-headed go-go dancers and torturing them in the basement of the castle. Only Albert knows what is really going on and a steady flow of bribery keeps him quiet. All seems to change when Lord Alan meets a sexy red-head named Gladys, at an elegant dinner party. He asks her to marry him right then and there! After a roll in the sack, Gladys is surprised that the proposal was not just a ploy to get her into bed. They marry, and she moves in.
Doesn't take long though, before strange things are afoot at the Cunningham estate. Gladys is spooked by the portrait and asks for it's removal, at least from the bedroom! Lord Alan continues to be haunted by visions of his dead wife and takes his deranged anger out on Gladys. Evelyn's body is found to be missing from is tomb. Family members start turning up dead, about the grounds of the castle- first Albert, then the wheelchair bound sister(?) is fed to the foxes Albert had kept in cages in the garden.
Finally, Gladys too sees Evelyn outside her window and Lord Alan goes out in the rain to investigate and what he sees leads to his institutionalization. Evelyn is there alright, in all her skeletal glory- red hair still intact- but it's not Evelyn at all, it's really a big twisted plot involving nearly every still living character!! I never could've guessed the outcome...
Very well done! With the possible exception of the lighting of numerous scenes, but maybe it was meant to be that dark? XXXX
Night of the Blood Beast 1958 American International Pictures
Director: Bernard L. Kowalski
An astronaut, returning to earth, loses his thruster rockets and deploys his 'chute too late, crashing into the woods. His colleagues find him dead but otherwise unscathed(!) and bring him to a remote lab. There they find that despite the fact ha has no heart beat, he has blood pressure(!) and is not decomposing on schedule.
Soon the party finds themselves cut off from the rest of the world- no radio, vehicles won't run... Hell, even their watches stopped. It must be some kind of magnetic field! But is it coming from our astronaut friend or, or that hideous beast that just tried to attack them and ate half of Dr- Wyman's head?
Lo and behold, astronaut Steve awakens from the dead and set forth on a mission of peace and understanding of his fellow monster. Turns out there are several more living inside him. The one sprung forth from his arm and another from his neck. Well, peace nothing! The rest of the crew are out for vengeance. That monster killed Dr- Wyman!
They secretly plot their "execution" behind Steve's back and let him lead them to the monster. As you might imagine, Steve realizes he is just being used and he and the beast are slain. The End. Hey! What about the one that came out of his neck. Did they forget? Or is it a really shitty attempt at setting up a sequel?
Ah, who cares... This was a Grade-A piece of Grade Zero sci-fi crap. If it weren't for the fact that it was so ridiculous and funny, it would have no redeeming features. The bird-like rubber alien costume ranks right up there with the ping-pong ball eyes of Killers from Space! Clearly a pre-curser to Alien, but in no way a masterpiece- even then. XXX for the laughs!
Night of the Ghouls 1959 Wade Williams Productions
Director: Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Starring: Criswell, Paul Marco, Tor Johnson and Kenne "Horse Cock" Duncan
Ed Wood Jr. is at it again, this time with a bunch of phony-baloney cops chasing ghost around a haunted cabin, up there by Willow Lake. Criswell, as usual, is our narrator for this outing and does his usual lackluster job of obviously reading the queue cards. Anyhoo, after an old couple is frightened out of their wits by the "white ghost", the cops start their investigation by sending their crack ghost-hunter.
They also send a bumbling patrolman (I assume for comic effect) who sits in his car taking pot shots at the real "black ghost", while the ghost-hunting detective finds Duncan in the form of an unscrupulous spirit medium named Dr- Acula (get it?). Dr- Acula makes his money pulling in rich widows and widowers and relieving them of their funds, with the help of their deceased loved ones- or actors playing their deceased loved ones...
The detective isn't fooled by the floating trumpet(!) and pleas from the grave and he and the doofus cop team to catch Dr- Acula. But first they must battle Swedish wrestler turned monster, Lobo (Johnson), and fire lots of bullets from their plastic guns. A chase ensues through the halls of the cabin (which looks much larger inside) and you'll never believe who stops the bad guys!
All the hallmarks of Wood are here: Bad acting, cheap sets and props, improbable dialog. Yet, you just can't help but enjoy yourself. I don't know how he did it but he pulled it off nearly every time. It's no Plan 9 but it is hilarious! XXXX
Night of the Lepus 1972 MGM Pictures
Director: William F. Claxton
Starring: Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun
My friend Deb has been talking this one up for years and finally I picked it up. It's AZ, or NM, and the bunny cycle is in full swing. Thousands of the critters have overrun a rancher's (Calhoun) land. He turns to a scientist and his wife (Leigh) for help. The scientist decides to try a new serum, which is designed to interrupt the breeding cycle. The trouble starts when he injects it in his daughter Amanda's favorite rabbit. She switches it with another and takes the rabbit as a pet.
Out at the ranch, this rabbit escapes and only then do they find out that the serum has made rabbits at the lab grow rather large. Soon, the sheriff has a problem on his hands... That is, mutilated bodies turning up around the county. A miner, a trucker, both killed and then the rancher is forced from his land by a stampede of overgrown, bloodthirsty bunnies!
The lepus (that's latin folks!) continue their rampage, killing the operator at the general store and they head straight for town! What's a scientist to do? They've already tried dynamite and now, his wife and daughter are surrounded by the enormous thumpers. She is forced to ward them off with flares until he can rescue them via helicopter. They must find a way to stop the rabbits from reaching town!!
I know... It sounds terrible and yes, there were some laughable effects. But more often than not, the bunnies looked real and huge, against fairly realistic miniature sets. The story was tight and quick-paced and it really did draw you right in! Much more effective than say Tarantula or The Deadly Mantis, but definitely the same vein. XXXX
Night of the Living Dead 1968 Image Ten
Director: George A. Romero
A young woman finds herself running from an unknown man who killed her brother. She takes refuge in an old farmhouse and is soon joined a guy named Ben, who has been running from zombies! Ben immediately takes to boarding up the place, with little or no help from the blubbering girl. Just as they've got all the windows and doors barred, some more scared folks emerge from the basement including a panicky big city type named Harry.
Ben takes a dislike to Harry on account of his pussy behavior- behavior we haven't seen the last of mind you! Harry would prefer to hide in the basement, while Ben wants to take his chances upstairs where he can keep an eye on the ghouls. As they listen on the radio, they find (to everyone's horror) that the ghouls are eating the flesh of those they kill. God damn! Cannibal zombies are the worst kind of zombies!!
After a botched attempt to fuel the truck Ben stole, he has to kick his way in and then kick Harry's ass. Next thing you know there's zombies everywhere... Even Harry's little girl has died and turned zombie. As the zombies come crashing in, Ben must retreat to the very cellar he didn't want to be trapped in. And there he waits...
This, the quintessential zombie movie of my generation, is actually kind of another take on Invisible Invaders. But, while not the first flesh-eating zombie movie, what sets this one apart is the taught story line and grittiness- all on a shoestring budget! Simply one of the best zombie movies ever made. Hats off to George Romero for creating such a masterpiece, and the virtual zombie empire that followed! XXXXX
Night of the Living Dead 3D 2006 The Horrorworks
Director: Jeff Broadstreet
Starring: Sid Haig!
Barb and Johnny are on their way to their mother's funeral and running late. They decide to meet the funeral party at the cemetery, only when they get there no one is around. The coffin is there, the cars, the hearse. As Johnny heads back to the car, he is attacked by two zombies and at the same time, Barb hears a knocking on mom's coffin lid!
She books it as the zombies emerge from the woods, eventually finding herself at the mortuary, where mortician Gerald Tover Jr. (Haig) is battling off zombies with a shovel. He tells Barb to keep on running, which she does, finding her way (via a kid on a motorbike) to the marijuana farm of Henry, his attitude daughter and all of his stoner friends.
Reluctant to call the cops, Henry tries to find another way to deal with what he thinks is not real anyway. His stoner friends are watching the original Night of the Living Dead (see above) on the TV and though a little freaked out by Barb's tale, not really sure what to believe. Until the zombies show up at their doorstep anyway!
Like the original, they fight over whether to make a run for it or barricade themselves in the house. Oh shit! What about Tom and Judy? They are fucking in the barn! Zombies. Eventually, Tover makes it to the house and admits he may be the cause of all this- by not cremating bodies for like 2 years (straight from the news...). Henry, who has been bitten and his wife hide upstairs, while the others make a run for Tovars house.
While staying fairly true to the original story, this is not just a color remake of the 1968 film. That was done in 1990. This is a different twist on the story with a real twist at the end! Haig is again fantastic as the slightly deranged but insightful Tovar Junior. And there is definitely more skin, though not as much as Return of the Living Dead. Much better than the color remake (which didn't need to be made) and a very nice little zombie picture. XXX
Night Tide 1963 Virgo Productions
Director: Curtis Harrington
Starring: Dennis Hopper
It's the classic tale of the siren... Johnny (a pre-Easy Rider Hopper) is a navy boy, who rolls into southern cal and meets a lovely gal named Mora, in a smoky jazz club. Despite her initial hesitation, he befriends her and gains her trust- and then some! But something is amiss with Mora. I mean it's one thing that she plays a mermaid in the pier amusement park but the lady in black and the voices in her head?
Although warned by Mora's "father" of her strange origins and by some friendly carnies of her possibly murderous past (two prior beaus washed up on the beach), Johnny persists and falls in love with Mora. Ain't it sweet? Yeah, until he starts having recurring nightmares about her drowning him!
They don't last long though and she is so nice to him. Thing begin to fall apart though, when they decide to go scuba diving at one of Mora's favorite spots. Is she really a mermaid? Is she a serial killer? Will poor Johnny be the next waterlogged corpse on the beach? Or, will there be a surprise ending you didn't really expect? Maybe some of each...
This is a great little film. Hopper is perfect as the lovelorn sailor- early evidence of his immense talent as an actor. It's dark, gritty, heartbreaking and very suspenseful, all played out in the warm california sun and surf. Who knew such evil forces lurk in the amusement park? XXXX
Nightmare Castle a.k.a. Amanti d'oltretomba, a.k.a. The Faceless Monster 1965 Cinematografica Emmeci
Director: Mario Caiano
Starring: Mmmm... Barbara Steele
Yet another mad scientist (not that I'm complaining, I myself want to be one when I grow up...) is working on his secret formula. To turn back the effects of aging, this time around. So scientifically speaking, to pull this off you need the blood and hearts of young women. But you already knew that didn't you! So, when Dr- Mad Scientist discovers his wife Muriel (Steele) is well- having the gardener's seed planted in her pot, he goes extra Mad and kills them both.
Finally he has enough blood to make Solange young again. Now, I didn't catch if Solange was his real wife, his sister or his mom but she does seem a little peeved when he marries Muriel's cuckoo sister (Steele, with blonde wig) to keep the castle and keep his experiments going. But Solange need not worry... Why the good doctor has plans for sister Jenny as well. *wink*
Jenny is already crazy, so all they have to do is drive her over the brink and the castle and all the money is all theirs! Mwa-ha-ha-haaah!! Only there is this pesky doctor of Jenny's, Dr- Derrick Something-or-other. Dr- Derrick is making it really difficult to dispatch Jenny quickly, so we must get rid of him! Oops, got the butler instead...
Dr- Derrick is learning some things though. See, maybe Jenny isn't so crazy and maybe... Muriel is possessing her from time to time. Can you see how that might put a kink in things? But Dr- Mad Scientist doesn't care. He sends Dr- Derrick packing so he can have his way with Jenny. By that, I mean use up all her blood to keep Solange young and pretty. Oh, but how will it end? Will the mad-man succeed? Will Dr- Derrick save the day? Are there ghosts in the attic?
Not a bad little suspense piece up until the not very likely ending. Steele was not only pretty but equally convincing as the bossy and arrogant Muriel, as she was the fragile Jenny. Good acting, good dialogue, great sets and a pretty good story put this one right in the middle. Barbara Steele gives it an extra X, so make it XXXX.
Nude Shorts
I don't normally review short films, nor "extras" on DVDs but I thought these shorts worthy of talking about. Amongst the special features on a double feature DVD from one of my favorites, Something Weird Video. Yes, these are the folks that have brought such cinema nuggets as Horrors of Spider Island, Nude on the Moon, Reefer Madness, She Devils on Wheels and Swamp Girl to DVD, as well as practically the whole Herschell Gordon Lewis library (and that's no easy feat!).
The DVD is The Beast that Killed Women & The Monster of Camp Sunshine and these are the shorts:
From the days when businessmen in trench coats plopped dimes in arcade mutoscopes and watched "blue" reels, then hastily retreated to the public restroom to pleasure themselves, we have Bring 'em back Nude. Probably from the late '20s, early '30s. Alittle more than an excuse to show naked chicks, this one has a nice brunette stripping into something more comfortable then reading her brother-in-law's diary of african adventures.
Suddenly, we are whisked away to darkest Africa, where we see her sister and brother-in-law being lead into the jungle by a native dressed in leopard skin and a beaver top hat(!). They encounter lions, an asian elephant and a south american jaguar before finding what they are really looking for, a tribe who worships twin white girls with shaved beavers, who sit around naked brushing their hair and trying on bracelets.
A gorilla snatches her sister away from the others and delivers her to the twins. They and their equally naked black servants strip the sister down before the husband catches up and takes the twins and servants hostage. The gorilla pounds out a distress call on his bongo and the natives unite (apparently all the way to Borneo, as we see head-hunters along with the africans!). From here, the diary reading brunette is awakened by a caddish man in a suit who smiles lustily at her. The End. Hilarious and intriguing. XXXX
Next is Expose of the Nude Racket, a '40sish "documentary on nudism- featuring a naked girl in a lawn chair, petting her pussy (cat, that is...) and some homo-erotic wrestling of nude men from some distance. No more full-frontal as the swingin' '20s have been replaced by good old fashioned morality. Even the jokes are bad. X
Our third feature, Nude Ranch, was so bad I didn't even watch the whole thing. Mainly it consisted of girls in skimpy cowgirl outfits playing badminton while the narrator uttered bad poetry. Awful. ~
Beauty and the Beast features an exotic dancer (really just a curvy white gal with magnificent thighs) in what was a mixture of terrible modern dance and strip tease. Also featuring a bad gorilla suit, the "beast" strips her down to a g-string, while she uses all manner of dramatic movements to feign escape. You know, I might like modern dance if it always had a gorilla ripping the clothes off the dancers! XX
On to the '50s and the true documentary, in color (albeit sometime pink and sometimes green...), Back to Nature. Of course there is the cheesy fencing scene, just to show naked people doing something one would normally do clothed but after that, it is just a look at a real nudist colony. And it's not so pretty as the Hollywood version. Everything you don't want to see is here... Old people, nursing mothers, little children frolicking on a swing set- all nude. Yeah, reality isn't so glamorous. At least the chef at the BBQ has the sense to wear an apron so he doesn't burn the sausage! Kudos for showing what it is though... XXX
Now, it's the sixties and we are still being very careful not to show what we showed in the twenties(?). Nude Fashion Show is the title. It's naked people in the park and a bunch of girls with big flips (that's a hair-do for all you youngsters) showing off mink shawls and their tits. Colorful but boring! X
Nurse Sherri a.k.a. Black Voodoo 1977 Independent-International Pictures
Director: Al Adamson
A cult leader (who looks more like an TV anchorman) suffers a heart attack while trying to raise one of his 7 followers from the grave. He arrives at the hospital, where he gives everyone a rash of shit about the evils of medicine before dying in surgery. He gets so pissed that he died, he possesses one of the nurses, Nurse Sherri- right after she gets nailed by Doctor Peter (no pun intended).
Sherri starts acting strangely as Reanhaur (the cult leader) acts out his revenge, both through the ether and through Sherri's body. He fucks with his old buddy Stevens, who is now a hopeless alcoholic and has Sherri kill the head surgeon. Meanwhile, Nurse Tara has fallen for a football star who was blinded in a car accident. She, Nurse Beth and Doctor Peter all come to believe Sherri is not herself... And that Reanhaur is behind it.
Stevens already knows this but he botches the job in his drunken stupor and ends up in a vat of molten steel. So it is our blind all-pro running back who figures it all out (with grandma's voodoo) and sends Tara and Beth out into the night, and the graveyard, to save the day and Nurse Sherri- before she chops off Doctor Peter's peter with her trusty meat cleavers!
Cheap, cheesy and yet, fully satisfying. Sherri's apartment is a dizzying array of colors and patterns and is one of the most frightening aspects of the film! Not really, but it is a splendid time capsule and another winner from schlock king Al Adamson! Beautiful. XXXX