Mad Monster Party? 1966 Embassy Pictures
Director: Jules Bass
Featuring the voices of: Boris Karloff, Phyllis Diller, Alan Swift
From the people who brought you Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and all those other cute, but freaky, puppet shows about x-mas- only this time it's famous movie monster puppets! The monsters are all invited by Baron von Frankenstein (Karloff) to his Caribbean island for a meeting of the Worldwide Organization of Monsters (WOM). The Baron has decided to retire and is ready to name his successor, his nephew Felix- who is not even a monster!
One by one, the monsters arrive. They're all there: the wolfman, the mummy, Dracula, Dr- Jeckyl, the hunchback, the creature, the Frankenstein monster and Phyllis Diller as the "bride of"!! Only "It" has not been invited, due to the destruction he caused last time! Baron's secretary, the stacked (for a puppet!) redhead, whose name escapes me, is told of the plan and has already made plans of her own to seize power of the group. She uses her feminine wiles to enlist Dracula to help her.
Things don't go so easy, as Phyllis overhears her thinking and does her best to thwart her plan. The monsters gang up and throw poor "Red" in the croc-infested mote, where the also outcast Felix is moping in his boat. He saves "Red" and she falls for him. They make a run for it, only to be cornered by the monsters. That is until "It" shows up. "It" it turns out is an approximation of King Kong! He rescues "Red" from the zombie butler and in turn, the Baron rescues her from the ape. Felix and "Red" ride off as the Baron and his army of zombies attack "It" in their home-made planes!
Beautiful 3D animation by Rankin and Bass. The sets, puppets, cinematography and lighting are fantastic! The story, however, is a little long and not as funny as it could have been. Perhaps we could have done without the musical numbers. Jonathan Winters would have surely helped too! Overall, to coin a term from the period, it's a gas! XXXX
Madhouse 1974 American International Productions
Director: Jim Clark
Starring: Vincent Price
We start out in earlier Hollywood, at a cocktail party thrown by Paul Toombs (Price), the star of the Doctor Death film series. Paul is proud to announce his engagement to an up and coming starlet named Ellen. That is, until he finds out she's a former porn-star. Doctor Death, it seems, may not be all fictional and Ellen meets a grisly demise.
Flash forward twelve years (although the time period looks exactly the same!) and Paul is being coaxed out of retirement by the very same producer who told him about Ellen. He flies to England to star in a new Doctor Death TV series. Once there, he immediately starts having second thoughts. These are compounded when another young starlet, he met on the way, turns up dead.
More murders plague the set of the TV show and Paul is questioning his very sanity and wondering why he ever let himself be talked into this. By the end, it is a full fledged murder mystery... a real who-done-it and I'll admit I was wrong when I guessed who was behind it!
A very good mystery thriller and one of Price's best. I especially liked the freaky spider lady (a former co-star of Paul's who was tragically disfigured). She reminded me of an older Magenta, maybe after she worked for Dr- Frankenfurter! I voted for it to be released on DVD!! XXXX
Man Beast 1956 Jerry Warren Productions
Director: Jerry Warren
Starring: Rock Madison (how's that for a "Hollywood" name?)
High in the Himalayas, Connie and her husband(?) are looking for her brother, the famed Dr- Eric Erickson (who makes up these names?). Well, an outdoorsy guy shows up and says something like, "Yeah, they just left a couple of days ago. I can take you right to their camp." No problem, right?
Right... They find the camp ransacked and a strange old guide, named Varga, just hanging around. Eventually they find the doctor and his party, and the group sets the camp back up. We find that Dr- Eric is not just up here to climb mountains but is in fact looking for the Abominable Snowman- a half-ape, half-man creature reported in the area and presumed to be responsible for many missing climbers!
So they hike and they climb and then they find a cave. Nope, it's true! A cave, and there they find what they have been looking for and as we in the audience already know, what has also been looking for them! Now the difference between your standard gorilla suit and this monster? Well, white hair. Ha!
So far the story is good. A little slow but building into something promising... And then what? Varga is not only not who he seems but he's the bad guy? And (spoiler alert!) half Yeti? Oh give me a break! Let me guess, he's interested in stealing Connie away for breeding purposes. Yeah... It's that bad. X
The Man from Planet X 1951 United Artist Pictures
Director: Edgar G. Ulmer
A mysterious planet is drawing near earth, possibly on a collision course. As a scientist and his daughter watch from a scottish bog(?), even more mysterious events begin to occur in and about the bog. They call in a newspaper man, who of course takes a shine to the daughter, and they discover a probe of possible alien origin. Back at the lab, they find the probe to be made of a miraculous metal and the scientist's assistant immediately recognizes it's worth and sets his own agenda.
On a midnight stroll, the daughter discovers an alien craft and to her horror, an alien being inside. She rushes back to tell her father and they return to it, where the old man is hypnotized by a ray from the tip of the rocket ship! She manages to get him back home, where all assume he has the flu. The newspaper man and the assistant go back to the ship, where they encounter the alien and it follows them home. They try their hardest to communicate with the creature but to no avail.
Or at least that's what the assistant wants them to think. He now has the design of the miraculous metal in hand and has rendered the alien lifeless, that is until the daughter discovers it. Soon, the alien and the daughter are missing and one by one, the men of the village are being hypnotized and turned to slaves by the alien. Local law enforcement calls in Scotland Yard and the newspaper man hatches a plan to thwart a full-scale alien invasion from the ever nearer "Planet X"!
This is a great science fiction picture, with quite possibly the best alien representation of the era! The use of lighting from the mouth piece of the space helmet is brilliantly creepy. The thick fog of the bog sets a perfect atmosphere for the strange little man and his rocket, despite the fact that it doesn't always cover the phony landscape! XXXX
Man with the Screaming Brain 2004 Anchor Bay
Written, directed, produced by and starring: Bruce Campbell
In Campbell's debut as a director, we have Campbell himself starring as Cole, a capitalist pig who finds himself in Romania on business. With him is his typical blond, snobby wife. They quickly meet up with a disposed russian cabbie (because he speaks english) and Cole hires him to ferry him about for the duration of his trip, and take his wife shopping while he is in meetings. Meanwhile, a mad scientist discovers Cole is in town and sets out to meet him.
First shopping trip finds the cabbie nailing Mrs- Cole in the backseat! When Cole can't raise the cabbie after his meeting, he gets a ride back to the hotel and finds the gypsy maid, whom he had exchanged more than a glance with on the cab ride from the airport. As he forcibly kisses her, she relieves him of his cash, wallet and a ring he purchased from the cabbie.
After a brief chase, Cole is ambushed by the maid, who clocks him upside the head with a pipe. The cabbie arrives and is shot dead by the maid for selling "the family ring". Enter, the mad scientist's son. He takes the two fallen men back to the lab, where his father transplants half of the dead cabbie's brain into Cole's head; replacing the half damaged from the blow he suffered earlier. What do we have? The capitalist pig and the communist cabbie sharing one body. Pretty funny premise.
It's good for two or three laughs, mostly over food and beverage, but not much more. After Mrs- Cole is thrown off a bridge and recreated as a robot, she helps save Cole from what, I can't remember(?). At the end, the mad scientist transplant's Mrs- Cole's brain into the gypsy's body and everyone lives happily ever after! God help us...
Maybe my expectations were too high but this just didn't pay off. Nowhere near Evil Dead or Army of Darkness. Maybe some gratuitous nudity would have helped! XX for a couple of good laughs.
Maniac 1934 Roadshow Attractions
Director: Dwain Esper
Starring: Phyllis Diller? Now I have to watch it again!
We have a mad scientist, german of course, with bushy Einstein hair and a beard and we have his assistant, who is somehow indebted to the scientist and gave up vaudeville for the slightly less glamorous job of grunt. Our scientist, Dr- Meirschultz, is doing what mad scientists do best, reviving the dead!
A man of many disguises, the assistant dresses up as the coroner so they can steal bodies but when he needs one last body for that one last heart (beating in a jar), a couple of kittens fighting scares him back to the lab (I'm serious...). There, the doc suggests he kill himself and the doc will use that heart on him. Perfect!
Well, instead, the assistant shoot the doc and then uses his disguise kit to become the doc himself. Very clever. But insane and the movie doesn't let us forget as it describes the various stages of madness the imposter is afflicted with. As if you get bipolar disorder from paranoid schizophrenia, which is caused by dementia praecox- whatever the hell that is! Anyway, the menacing soundtrack stops and a narration frames roll with this lovely waltz playing. I mean, do they realize it's the same movie were watching here?
I don't know if it matters how it ends. The guy goes crazy... The End! In a sense, this was a T&A movie, with a story thrown in to excuse some scantily clad and topless girls on the screen and I now fear one of them was Phyllis Diller, but don't quote me! I didn't recognize her at that age. This was funny, with completely misguided and outdated psychology, bad acting and butcher shop editing. A perfect 1950s drive-in feature! XXX
The Mansion of Madness 1972 Producciones Prisma
Director: Juan López Moctezuma
From the director of Alucarda, comes this absurd tale. It appears to be nineteenth century Mexico and an inspector of sorts is dispatched to a remote mental institution, to check on the order of things. Upon his arrival, he is greeted at gunpoint by the guards. The rest of the party is ambushed as they turn back and generally molested by the guards.
The inspector meets up with the doc who runs the place and things seem normal at first. They chat, while the lovely Eugenie plucks the strings of the harp. They then embark on a lengthy tour of the massive facility and we see that things are not quite right here. Why, there are people in each chimney, a chicken man and worse... a dungeon full of infidels, who do not respond to the doctor's "soothing" system.
Things get more surreal, as Eugenie dances for them and then tries to kill the doctor! During a brief escape attempt, Eugenie tells the inspector the truth- her father is the real doctor and he is locked up in the basement, while one of the patients runs the asylum. By now, that is kind of obvious!! The two are captured and brought before our "doctor", who reigns like a king over the proceedings. Until a jailbreak by the real doctor unleashes wide scale pandemonium!
The box says, "Like a Monty Python film directed by Fellini... on acid". I would say that is pretty accurate! This asylum is a real MADhouse and the king of madmen is in charge (and overacts grandly!). We have some very artistic and strange imagery going on and it is based on a story by Edgar Allan Poe. It's a little slow paced and awkward but the visual spectacle makes up for it most of the time! XXX
The Manster, Half Man-Half Monster a.k.a. The Split 1962 United Artists of Japan
Director: Kenneth Crane, George Breakston
Meet Larry Stanford, he's a cliché-ridden and cavalier foreign correspondent, working in Japan. Before he heads back to his lovely wife in New York, he has one last assignment: To interview Dr- Suzuki, a mad scientist making strides in DNA research (somewhat nefariously, it turns out, as he has horribly disfigured his wife and son with his experiments).
Well, Larry's a tough guy. He's not afraid of no mad scientist, which of course makes him the perfect candidate for the doctor's next guinea pig! A little needle in the shoulder and viola, Larry is a changed man. He starts drinking and hooks up with the doc's beautiful assistant. It's all fun and games, until he and his new girl come home to his apartment and find Mrs- Stanford waiting for them!
Larry just spirals downhill from there. His right hand grows all fury, then an eye forms on his shoulder(!), which eventually turns into a second head!! Two-headed Larry is a menace, killing everyone he meets on his way back to Dr- Suzuki's laboratory, which by the way is situated on an active volcano. On the mountainside, Larry splits himself in two- his old self and a fury, murderous beast. He wrestles the beast but not before it throws his mistress in the crater. Soon, the beast joins her in the fiery cauldron. Happy day!
This is actually a pretty good movie, with all the typically funny props, make-up and forced dialog of the era. The two-headed Larry is a hoot! XXXX
Mark of the Devil 1969 Hi-Fi Stereo 70 KG
Director: Michael Armstrong
Here we have the true message of christiantity, or that of any religion: Conform or face death at hand of the church! It is set in a typical european village, where a local witch-hunter has been plying his trade with gleeful menace. Mostly, he is torturing and burning young women... after he rapes them of course. Wouldn't want them to go to waste!
But a new "hangman" is in town. That being Lord Cumberland. Officially sanctioned by the holy see, he has come to dish out the vatican's special brand of witch "purification". This includes torturing a Baron to obtain his wealth for the church and arresting a local barmaid whose only crime was to rebuff the advances of the former witch-hunter. All are subject to sickening horror in the dungeons of a nearby castle, until they confess their sins! Then we'll burn 'em.
The Lord's assistant becomes increasingly wary of the Lord's motives, starting with the imprisonment of his love, the barmaid, and then by witnessing the him murder the former witch-hunter with his bare hands. The last straw is when a couple who put on puppet shows in their home are arrested and not wanting to admit they made a mistake, the Lord condemns them to death. The assistant frees his love from the dungeon and she unites the townspeople against their oppressors!
This is a very well made picture and the gore is unsettling, to say the least. Perhaps it's a tad over dramatic but I was still drawn in and I couldn't help but feel the anger rising up inside me as these churchmen practiced "god's work" on innocent men, women and children. The worst part of all... We all know it really happened, even right here in the U. S. of A. They should show this film in schools to remind kids of the dangers of religion! XXXXX
Mars Needs Women 1967 Azalea Pictures
Director: Larry Buchanan
Starring: Oh, I guess Tommy Kirk is a big enough star, since it's two movies in two months...
The USAF starts receiving word from Mars that martians will be visiting. They arrive and they aren't little green men, or bug-eyed creatures but regular men. The lead Martian (Kirk) appears to the military brass and explains that through the last few decades the ratio of women on Mars has dropped to 100 men for every woman and they are seeking volunteers from Earth to go back to Mars with them.
The AF Colonel is skeptical- if these "men" have the ability to travel to Earth, why what else are they capable of? Well, how bout hypnosis! The martian men assimilate into society and begin tracking, hypnotizing and capturing fitting specimens- a stripper, a stewardess, the college homecoming queen... But the lead martian has his eye on the grand prize. A woman scientist and expert on intergalactic breeding(!).
He uses his stolen press pass to gain her confidence and uses her to gather info from the military. Meanwhile, they use the demographics of the kidnappings to surmise the whereabouts of the martian hideout! But will they find it before the martians split, with their sexy cargo? Will science girl figure out that her new beau is a martian? Will she breed with him? (that would make a nice '70s porno...)
This was a pretty good story up until the end... Same old foil, such superior creatures making such dumb mistakes. But it's humorous, a little racy at times and those martians have some pretty nice wet suits with earphones! Not to mention advanced technology like a spear-gun with no spear and a Ray-o-Vac flashlight, just like the one we had in our camp trailer! XXX
The Masque of the Red Death 1964 American International Productions
Director: Roger Corman
Starring: Vincent Price
Price stars as Prince Prospero, in Edgar Allen Poe's tale of lust, greed and power. Prospero is a sadistic SOB, who flaunts his power and brags of his "deal with the devil". When a plague sweeps through the village, Prospero invites only his favorite friends and business associates into his castle, including a cute little redhead, and her father and beau. Here, he promises them safety... a demonic reprieve from the plague outside.
While the villagers suffer and die of the plague, Prospero's friends frolic and play within the refuge of the castle walls. For kicks, he has the redhead's father and beau "battle to the death" but the main event is a masquerade ball, which commences at midnight. He sends all the revelers to their rooms to prepare, the only rule being no one shall wear red.
At the witching hour, the ball commences. The midget jester entertains by tricking his nemesis into a gorilla costume and then setting him afire! Prospero is delighted by this and in general pleased with the ball. But then he spots a guest, dressed head-to-toe in red! He and the girl take after the offending guest but when the catch him, he is not at all what they thought. Thus begins "the dance of death"!
Despite the moral of the story, it is a good story and this is an exceptional treatment of it! Price is glorious as the evil prince and director Roger Corman brings yet another classic Poe tale to the screen beautifully. XXXX
May 2002 Loopy Productions
Director: Lucky McKee
May is a weird little girl, with a scary porcelain doll in a glass case and a patch on one eye! (The kids at school dare one of their own to go ask her if she's a pirate!!) Anyhoo, May grows up to be a weird adult, with nerdy glasses and a room full of porcelain dolls. She's kinda plain but not unattractive and in the hands of a geeky guy, she might have been alright. But May is a real freak and everyone she meets is just a wannabe. Attracted at first but then turned off by her true freakiness!
First is the hunky, amateur filmmaker guy at the laundromat. He seems OK with May's quirk's, that is until she re-enacts a bit of his film by biting his lip and smearing the blood about her face. He quickly runs the other way, tail between his legs! Then there's the cute girl she works with at the veterinary hospital (May is a surgical assistant)... She turns May on to the lesbian way and May finally gives over, only to find that there is another girl in the picture.
Along the way, May notices how each of these individuals has something about them that is perfect... the guy's hands, her lesbian nemesis' legs, etc. Finally, she snaps! She plans to "build" the perfect mate from the parts of all these people! It's Halloween and May dresses herself up, like her favorite little doll, and sets out with a cooler in tow to collect the parts she needs to build the perfect lover!
It doesn't always make sense but in the end it all comes together perfectly and in a morbid kind of way, we are all rooting for the poor girl. I don't know who the girl that plays May is, but she does an outstanding job of making us like her, despite of (or maybe because of) her freakiness. Those of us who are a little odd, identify readily with May and it's hard to feel sorry for her victims, who are just pretending to be weird because it's "cool" nowadays. XXXX
Memorial Valley Massacre 1988 Memorial Day K.B./Motion Picture Corporation of America
Director: Robert C. Hughes
A group of unlikely campers gathers at the site of a new campground. Despite the strange happenings and the lack of completed facilities, the greedy owner decides to open anyway. They open the gate and the campers flood in. Every clichéd character possible is represented here- the rich folks with their fat spoiled kid, the unruly teenagers, some supposed tough bikers and a gravelly voiced retired marine.
The son of the owner is a sensitive granola type, bent on preserving the "nature" of the place, while the camp ranger seems to have an agenda of his own. By now we also know that some wildman is running through the woods and causing all the strange goings-on. But is he a throw-back or does the film give away the ending in a painfully obvious manner? Seems the ranger's young son was kidnapped in the area and never found. Hmm...
Yeah... So, pretty soon our fur clad wildman is no longer content with jumping around like a monkey and spilling garbage. He starts killing the campers- starting with that little fat fuck! After a half-ass "hunt" for a rummaging bear, the wildman kills more of the campers and then lures the ranger through a series booby traps. But wait, is that dear old dad? Give me a fucking break!
I saw some pretty bad movies in the '80s and for 1988 I thought Dirty Dancing was the absolute worst. Boy was I wrong! This is even worse than that vile pile of garbage, in almost every way- from the synthesizer "orchestra" to the misspellings in the credits! Maybe it would've been better if Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey sneaked off to the campground and tamed the wildman with some dance lessons. To quote a review from another (much better) '80s flick, this is a real "shit sandwich". ~
Messiah of Evil 1974 International Cinefiln
Director: Gloria Katz, Willard Huyck
A girl named Marianna, in a flashback, tells us the tale of when she went to a small coastal town to find her father, who has mysteriously cut off contact with her. Her first clue that something is wrong should've been the crazed gas station attendant, shooting at unseen noises in the night! She gets her gas and continues to her pop's beach house, to find it empty. BTW, this is a really unusual, modern home with floor to ceiling paintings on the walls and a bed suspended from the ceiling with chains.
Come morning, she goes to town to see if anyone has seen her dad. At the local gallery, she gets a clue that leads her to a motel room and three strangers; a tall thin dude, a skinny asian girl and a young athletic girl. They, or at least he, is researching local tales of creatures in the night. After being rousted from their motel by the fuzz, they show up at Marianna's beach house and she lets them in. I reckon she figures they might help her find her father.
The asian girl gets jealous of Marianna and storms off, only to be eaten by zombies at the Ralph's. Stretch has a brush with the buggers himself but narrowly escapes. The other girl isn't so lucky, again... zombies. Then there's the fires on the beach. I guess zombies like to stand around and stare at the fire (I know I do). So, you know the story- More and more zombies and eventually they attack the Casa de Marianna. Even her father appears but it's too late, the blood is already running from his eyes. Then it's an all out battle against the zombies!
It's OK, just too slow. A scenic version of the Romero formula. XX
Meteor 1979 American International Productions
Director: Ronald Neame (another name for Irwin Allen?)
Starring: Sean Connery, Natalie Wood, Karl Malden, on and on...
If you were around in the seventies, you could help but see these Irwin Allen disaster films... They were everywhere! Here's the formula: You take a bunch of celebrities (mostly past their prime and usually Shelley Winters) and put them in some kind of horrible situation. There was The Towering Inferno, Airport, The Poseidon Adventure and something about animals taking over...
Then there's this Meteor movie. I don't even know if it's his or not, but it sure smacks of Irwin Allen. There's the all-star cast, lead by Sean Connery, the Godzilla-like special effects and this time it's a meteor hurling towards earth. Certain doom! After all the infighting and melodrama, we finally get to the dirty work as the cast is trapped underground and has to make their way through the sewer. The plastic looking missiles they fired do the job and they're all heroes!
If you've seen one, you've seen them all and films like Star Wars and Close Encounters of the Third Kind made the effects in these movies outdated, before they were even released! While the formula may have been interesting the first couple of times, it was tired and spent by '79. So much so, that the Airport series was spoofed and that movie, Airplane!, is more memorable than any of Allen's work! And Sean Connery gave up James Bond for this? ~
The Mini-Skirt Mob 1968 American International Pictures
Director: Maury Dexter
Starring: Harry Dean Stanton, in about his 50th role...
There a guy named Jeff Logan, big rodeo star, and he just married his new sweetheart, Connie. Well, seems he used to run with a rough crowd- ne'er do well cowboy hoodlums and a all-girl motorcycle gang. The leader of this biker gang is a blonde bombshell named Shayne, and she was once Jeff's girl.
So, she and the gang, plus all Jeff rowdy rodeo buddies drop by to wish the couple well and things get out of hand- cowboy Lon is hittin' on Connie and Shayne makes it very clear that she does not approve of this union. She tells Jeff to come back "or else". He tells them all to get lost and after getting his ass kicked by Lon, does so with rifle in hand.
Connie and Jeff make on their merry way down the highway, but the dammit! There they are again, swerving their motorbikes all around and just plain fucking with the new couple, while Shayne rides behind and smirks. After whacking Connie in the face several times with the car's antenna, one of the hoodlums, L.G. is forced off the road... And off a cliff!
Shayne now uses L.G.'s death as an excuse to keep harassing the couple, who has stopped to camp for the night- unaware of L.G.'s demise. When Jeff goes for a walk, the gang breaks in, ties Connie up and takes the rifle. They then hole up in the surrounding hills, shooting at the couple when they come out of their trailer.
Trapped like "little white mice in a snake's cage" they try to figure a way out. Meanwhile there is discord in the hills- Lon is tired of doing Shayne's dirty work and not getting any promised "action" and Shayne's little sis, Edie, wanted all of this to stop 50 miles back. Sick of her big sis' bullying, she hatches a plan to free the couple. Trouble is: Is she smart enough to do it?
Yes, it's another '60s biker flick with much of the same clichés but this one draws you in. You really end up rooting for Edie to defeat that damn Spook (Stanton) and help Jeff and Connie. You really want to throttle that chick Shayne yourself and kick this dumb fuck Lon in the head. How can he be so dumb? Anyway... XXX
Missile to the Moon 1958 Astor Pictures
Director: Richard Cunha
Oh, man... Here we have a scientist who is building his own rocket to the moon. The eve he hears the news that the government will be taking over his project, two cons escape a local prison and hole up in his rocketship. Not to be undone by government meddlers, he offers the cons food and fame to travel with him to the moon!
His friend Stacy and his fiancée, while looking for the scientist, find themselves trapped aboard as the ship takes off. They are discovered and all look forward to their new adventure on the moon, except the little guy- who just wants to nail Stacy's girl! They all unite though, when a piece of machinery comes loose and bonks our scientist on the head.
Wanting to follow the scientists last wishes, they land where instructed. With their "gravitational boots" they walk normally on the moon's surface, that is until a bunch of stone Gumbys break free from the lunar landscape and chase them to a cave- a cave with oxygen(!). They shed their Bob Log III jumpsuits and find refuge with a blind queen and her bevy of beauty contestants, one of whom is promised to marry the scientist (the one the blind queen thinks is Stacy. Uh oh!)
The two cons are in paradise and aside from that giant spider puppet, everything is great in moonville. Wait, I take it back. The promised bride of Stacy is threatening to overthrow the queen and have her way with Stacy, even if it takes a bloody coup. She can't be bothered with this fiancée, so feed the bitch to the spider! Can they escape her hypnotic gaze? Can they get the little guy away from the diamonds? What about those Gumby things outside?
This is one bad movie, chock full of dubious acting (watch their faces during take-off), lackluster special effects (note the dread meteor field), cheap sets (the rocket interior is made of pegboard!) and don't forget the Gumby monsters... Terrible. Yet, it's somehow enjoyable and really kind of a gas. One of the funniest pictures that was never intended to be! XXXX
Mr- Sardonicus 1961 William Castle Productions
Director: William Castle
Here, we find ourselves with a doctor, played by a guy I'd swear was David Hasselhoff's dad, who stumbles into a mystery- all about a guy, his gold-diggin', goldielocks wife and a lottery ticket. Goldie locks is really bent when the father-in-law gets them a lottery ticket instead of a "real gift".
But the ticket turns out to be a winner and it's right there... In the old man's vest pocket... Which he is wearing... 6 feet under. The gold-diggin' bitch insists her husband dig up the old bastard and get the ticket. He does, and for whatever reason, the second he sees the old mans face his own face is frozen in a horrible grimace. So he dons a mask and carries on.
Now he has found Dr- Hasselhoff and he wants the doc to fix his face. It's risky... Many dogs are killed perfecting the serum. Grimace though, he gets impatient and orders the doctor to inject the damn stuff in his face already! He does, and sure enough his face relaxes to normal. Well, almost normal. He can't seem to feel it anymore...
So... At the end I was supposed to vote on Sardonicus' fate (the Castle gimmick). On TV, it just ended so a little confusing but all in all, a good story- maybe even an updating of The Phantom of the Opera. The effects were a little funny, in that Sardonicus' mouth did not move despite his ability to speak perfectly! Maybe he was a ventriloquist? I dunno. I give it XXX as it was right in the middle of the road!
The Mole People 1956 Universal Pictures
Director: Virgil W. Vogel
Starring: John Agar and Hugh Beaumont (yes, that Hugh Beaumont)
Agar stars as Dr- Bentley, an archeologist, who teams up with Dr- Ward Cleaver to explore a high mountain plateau where some interesting artifacts have been found. With some help from the locals, their team climbs the bitch of a mountain braving harsh winter storms and avalanches along the way.
Once at the plateau, one of the team falls into a dark abyss and they must descend to rescue him. Down into the bowels of the earth they go, some 200 feet and there they find of all things... An ancient civilization! After losing a couple more, they are captured by the pasty underworld inhabitants, in their funny roman outfits and when they flip on the flashlight, they are deemed gods from heaven- that's right... Gods from heaven. The king even gives Bentley a woman!
Turns out the pasty ones are running a slave racket, keeping those poor ugly mole men in perpetual labor to feed the subterranean city. The "chosen ones" take exception to the treatment of the slaves and eventually lose favor to the king, who sentences them to death- at the hands of Ishtar! Cleaver, Bentley and his slave have to make a run for it as the mole people revolt!
I know... It sounds ridiculous but it does manage to draw you in. A solid piece in a long line of Universal horror. Throwing Ward Cleaver in the mix was a nice touch! I liked it. XXXX
Monster from a Prehistoric Planet a.k.a. Daikyojû Gappa 1967 Nikkatsu/1968 American International Pictures
Director: Haruyasu Noguchi
By now, the Godzilla franchise is in full swing so everyone needs a Godzilla movie, right? In this one, a greedy wannabe Hugh Hefner has designs on expanding his girlie magazine empire to include a themed island resort, complete with all sorts of exotic creatures the world has never seen, a restaurant and a gondola! Yeah!
He sends a team to the south pacific in search of the the exotic fauna. There is a scientist, a reporter, a girl (for a love interest) a goofy guy (for alleged comic relief) and some goons. They find an island and by damn, it looks just like the boss' "to scale" island. So, they set about on their expedition and they find exotic fauna alright, in the form of cannibals.
Oddly enough, these man-eaters welcome the japanese adventurers, believe they control the Gappa. But what's a Gappa, you ask. You'll have to wait and see like the rest of us. Anyhoo, the egg hatches and out comes a lizard-bird-thing- and if this is a baby, how big will it get? They decide they must get it back to japan, to study/exploit. So they load the critter on the ship and set sail (presumably, since they are now safely back in Tokyo).
Back on the island, the 6th grade science fair volcano goes off and wakes up mom and dad Gappa. They see junior has hatched but where the hell is he? Meanwhile the scientists are studying the baby Gappa while japanese Hef is wringing his hands for the big unveiling. But wait, these lizard-bird-things are like homing pigeons. Hold on to your hats, mom and dad are coming to find junior!
You know the rest, or if you've seen Mothra you know the rest. This is the worst of copycat/cash-in cinema I've seen. It truly is just a conglomeration of every Toho picture to date, borrowing most heavily from the above-mentioned Mothra. But this is nowhere near as good! Sure it's just as funny... Maybe more so, as the effects are even more low budget than Toho's. XX
The Monster Maker 1944 Producers Releasing Company
Director: Sam Newfield
Starring: Sometime Frankenstein monster Glenn Strange
It's a night out, a piano recital, and Pat and Bob are there in their box enjoying Pat's father's stirring rendition of whatever. In the box next door, the obvious bad guy- you can tell by the goatee and the way he stares at her throughout. His "date" senses trouble but may be powerless to help. See, Pat is the spitting image of goatee's long lost wife.
Goatee turns out to be a doctor... Markoff to be precise. A specialist in acromegaly, he experiments on various animals and such testing out serum to "cure" the "granular" disease. He meets the pianist and apologizes to his daughter for staring, telling them his broken-heart story. She is comforted but dear old dad does not trust this guy.
He goes right over there and tells Markoff to fuck off and leave his daughter alone. Markoff announces his intentions to marry Pat and whack the pianist on the head with a vase. He then injects him with "acromegaly virus" turning the old man into a hideously deformed freak in a matter of days! While the pianist withers in the dark, Markoff perfects his cure. He'll be rich!!
Remember Markoff's date? She's actually his assistant and guess what... She heard everything over the office intercom! What does Markoff do? Why, sic the gorilla on her! What else? All converge at the doc's office and duke it out over the deformed old man.
The ending was so anticlimactic, I was surprised it was over! Oh... I guess it's over. I'd never seen this one before but I felt like I'd seen it a million times and in a sense, I have. It's the same old story, same cast of characters (with their hair combed differently), same old ending... It's White Zombie, again! Not awful, not good. Just there. X
The Monster of Camp Sunshine 1964 Gene Kearney
Director: Ferenc Leroget
We start off painfully slow, learning about the dull lives of NY roommates, Martha? the nurse and Mara? the fashion model, through Mara's monotone narration. One day, Martha breaks a mirror and that very day is attacked by lab rats at the hospital! Well, what better way to get over a traumatic incident than to go to a nudist camp?
They go and finally we get to see them naked! They frolic and sun themselves, with the camp hostess Suzanne, Suzette, whatever... Suzanne's retarded brother is the grounds keeper. He kinda gives Mara the creeps but who doesn't? She just smokes about six more cigarettes and deals with it.
Meanwhile back in NYC, Martha's doctor lover guy finds the reason the rats went mad and takes the infernal solution out to the river and tosses it in. Somewhere upstream(?) a fisherman pulls the bottle out of the river and takes it over near the camp, where he knocks it over spilling the contents into the river. There, the retard brother, Bruno, drinks from the river and is transformed into Moe from the 3 Stooges.
Suzanne closes the camp and locks Bruno in the shed. Of course, Martha and Mara know nothing of this and with their friends return to Camp Sunshine to frolic nude again. Suzanne is glad to see them and sheds her dress to show her joy. But Bruno escapes, picks up an axe and what follows is a strange bit of cinema... Flashes of nude girls, clips from old war movies, a doctor in a white lab coat chasing the monster. It's very surreal!
Ultra low budget, with clever use of music and old fashioned dialogue frames, to compensate for little use of actual sound. There are comedic elements, both intentional and accidental, and overall it is very entertaining. It takes a while to get going but once it does, it delivers. XXXX
Monster on the Campus 1959 Universal Pictures
Director: Jack Arnold
Professor Donald Blake imports a coelacanth from Madagascar, for study in his class. Who would've thought this would be a problem? Certainly not the friendly German Sheppard, who lapped up some of the bloody water from the crate and turned into a prehistoric saber tooth wolf! Then the prof cuts his finger on the fish's tooth and someone gets killed- spooked to death, that is...
After another killing on campus, some scientific experiments and a two foot dragonfly attack our professor is smart enough to know that the fish blood somehow undoes years of evolution but still not bright enough to know he is the one who is regressing. Just keep on smoking that pipe doctor, no matter it tastes like dragonfly blood!
Of course no one believes Dr- Blake's tall tales of gamma ray fish blood, wolf fangs, two foot dragonflies and cavemen killers. His peers and boss recommends a hiatus to the cabin, you know... Out in the woods, where he can't possibly cause any trouble. Well, finally, the prof has figured it out. He sets out to the cabin to prove or disprove his theory and guess what happens? You know...
A modern, radioactive version of Jeckyll and Hyde meets the wolfman. It's good, old fashioned Universal chills. It's funny that despite how many times Blake shows up in torn clothes that exactly match the clothes the monster is wearing, no one can seem to figure out he is the monster! The caveman outfit is great and with Jack Arnold directing, it's hard to go wrong. XXXX
Monstrosity a.k.a. The Atomic Brain 1964 Cinema Venture
Director: Joseph V. Mascelli
Here we have a mad scientist, Dr- Frank, who has been hired by an old bat named March, presumably to help her with her aging problem. She and her assistant lure young ladies, with their tight dresses and rocket-ship tits, to their hideout. There, they put them up in nice rooms far enough from one another that they can't hear their friend hauled off to the lab in the night!
In the lab, the be-goggled Doctor radiates them in a chamber filled with fake smoke. It's a good excuse to get them naked before he transplants the cat's brain into one of them! Mwuh-huh-huh!!! Well, old lady March is getting impatient with all these failed experiments and pushes the doc. Maybe she pushes him a little too far.
Finally, the time has come. He will transplant the old bag's brain into a sexy young body so she can do her bidding! (Whatever that is...) But our friend Frank has some tricks up his sleeve and he turns one on old lady March. It's a doozie too! Will he have the ultimate revenge, or will the old lady??
Ah, who cares? This is mostly an excuse to parade scantily dressed young actresses around. That takes precedent over the story. I like the doctor's mad scientist outfit, kind of a radiation suit with welding goggles under the face-shield. I would wear that. The girls are stacked, so I can see why the old lady envies them so but she could've hired a better doctor! Hardly a waste of time though... XXX
Moon of the Wolf 1972 Filmways TV Productions
Director: Daniel Petrie
Starring: David Janssen, only this time he is the law!
In what was clearly a made-for-TV movie, we have a tale of lycanthropy on the bayou! All so stereotypical- We have the rich folks in their big white mansion, inbred hicks with more dogs than you can shake a stick at, and a laid back sheriff (Janssen) who lacks the charm of say, Andy Griffith, but has some nice grey chest hair cascading from his unbuttoned shirt!
On the full moon, a girl is killed and wouldn't you know, we find out later she was pregnant, and the doctor knocked her up! But he is not the only suspect. The sheriff narrows it to three, all while courting the rich girl... who he had a crush on in junior high. The rich girl's brother Andrew does not approve of this lowly sheriff and makes it known.
When a deputy and the murdered girl's father are killed in the jail, Andrew steps up to help. Meanwhile, the inbred hicks have been hunting every wild dog in the county, as if it were a wild dog that tore the jail bars off their hinges! The grandpa of the murdered girl is still in bed muttering cajun nonsense about the loop guru and with that and the help of an old book in the den, miss rich girl solves the mystery!
This is more of a soap opera, which just happens to have a werewolf in it, than a horror piece. It may have been inspired somewhat by Dark Shadows, which appeared a few years prior and had a successful follow-up TV movie, House of Dark Shadows, just two years earlier. So let's take Dark Shadows, change the vampire to a werewolf and set it in the bayou. Perfect! The result, however, is a mediocre melodrama... X
Mothra 1962 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Inoshiro Honda
An two-nation team sets out to investigate reports of surviving natives on Infant Island, near the site of an atomic test blast. There they discover the natives are alive and well, including a couple of very little twins who talk and sing in constant chorus. Nelson, a greedy nightclub owner, who helped finance the trip has designs on the little peanuts and returns to the island to capture them.
Back in Tokyo, he keeps the girls in a cage, forcing them to perform in a ridiculous re-enactment of the natives' dance. All the while they sing, calling out to Mothra to come take them home. The real natives continue to dance around Mothra's egg until it hatches and the hideous caterpillar emerges and angrily splashes toward Tokyo.
After coming ashore, all of Japan's might cannot quell the caterpillar until she herself decides to take a break and build a cocoon. The japs zap the cocoon with rays and barbeques the thing a nice dark brown, then sit back smugly in the knowledge they've won. Meanwhile, Nelson has escaped Japan with the girls but by now he is a wanted man even in his own country.
Surprise! Mothra emerges from the crispy cocoon in all her Tohocolor glory!! This time Tokyo is spared, as Mothra heads to the fictional homeland of Nelson to kick some ass... Well, okay, really she just flaps her wings and blows everything to hell- cars blowing down the street, etc. Nelson outright refuses to accept the inevitable and his countrymen turn against him to spare themselves the wrath of the giant moth!
Another great atomic monster warning from Inoshiro Honda. The foot high twins are a real treat and Nelson is the consummate villain. Chock full of action, adventure and those unmistakable Toho effects. I especially liked the orangey-brown natives, who looked as though they spent too much time in a tanning bed! Very nice. XXXX
The Mummy 1932 Universal Pictures
Director: Karl Freund
Starring: Boris Karloff
British archeologists, going through their finds, uncover a casket containing a scroll and a deadly curse for anyone who would dare open it. While the learned men bicker outside as to whether to open it, the younger man forges ahead blindly and inadvertently brings the mummy, Imhotep, back to life. Imhotep takes the scroll, leaving the young man insane.
Twelve years pass and a strange man in a robe and fez comes to the british field museum and tells the son of one of the above mentioned learned men where an egyptian princess is buried. For father and son, this would be the discovery of a lifetime. The son leads the excavation and sure as shit, the tomb is right where the strange man said. Her mummy and riches are exhumed and put on display in the Cairo museum- a condition the strange man insisted on.
It soon becomes apparent why the man insisted upon it, as he has ulterior motives. That is, to bring the long dead princess back to life or something along those lines. At the same time, the sudanese governor's daughter has come to Cairo and she is the spitting image of the mummified princess. Less than a fortnight and she is under Imhotep's spell. He lures her back to his lair and lays the whole story out before her, of how she is really the princess reincarnate!
From there it is a fight between the archeologists and Imhotep for the girl's soul. The lock her in her room, under a nurse's care and a 24 hour watch but the spell is strong and she weakens by the day. Finally the men roll the dice- To let her go, follow her and destroy the mummy of Imhotep. Unfortunately, he has the power to reach out and kill them from the safety of his lair! She may be doomed as the mummy's sacrifice and ultimate reincarnation!
This, the first of many Universal (and countless imitation) mummy movies, finds our mummy not being the mummy most of us remember... You know, all wrapped in bandages, kinda gimpy in one leg. Nonetheless, this is a very creepy and odd movie. Of course there's the grand overacting of the era and the ridiculous dialog but it's definitely worth seeing where this whole mummy thing started! XXX
The Mummy's Curse 1944 Universal Pictures
Director: Leslie Goodwins
Starring: Lon Chaney, Jr.
Cajun country. The bayou. Maybe not where you'd expect to be the last resting place of Kharis, who was mummified alive for unholy acts. But the locals speak of a mummy carrying a girl off into the swamp some 25 years ago and all the workers on a government "swamp redevelopment" project are good and spooked. They really get spooked when one of their own turns up with a knife in his back!
Meanwhile, an archeologist shows up and insists on looking for the mummy and the g-man boss begrudgingly agrees. At the murder site they find an empty grave and a clue... A piece of mummy wrapping! Along they way, we learn that the archeologist's egyptian assistant is up to something (never trust those damn egyptians!) and that something is bringing Kharis back to life!
And he succeeds, turning Kharis on all those who "stand in the way". By now, of course, Princess Ananka has also worked her way out of the dirt and been taken in by the g-man's niece (now girlfriend of the archeologist). Her memory fuzzy from years in the swamp, Ananka doesn't realize the scrappy mummy is her long lost love so must carry her back to the secret monastery hide-out.
It seems the egyptian's crony has fallen for the niece and he tricks her back to the monastery, so he can have his way with her. Of course this pisses off the egyptian AND Kharis, who is set to be with Ananka again. But then, the archeologist shows up and the fight is on. That is, everybody fighting everybody!
This is basically just "The Mummy comes to America" but it is well done and the cajun bayou is a more interesting back-drop than say New York City (again...). It's not my favorite mummy movie but it is another very good Universal effort and Lon Chaney's last appearance as that gimpy mummy. Definitely worth seeing! XXXX
The Mummy's Hand 1940 Universal Pictures
Director: Christy Cabanne
At a Cairo bazaar, an american archeologist and his wise-crackin' Brooklyn sidekick stumble onto the secret of Ananka's tomb. With no money, they turn to an out newly of work magician to finance their expedition, despite his daughter's protests. Naturally, the egyptians are against them and we soon find out they are all in cahoots- the egyptian professor, the street beggar... All part of a mummy conspiracy!
Our friends press on, into the desert and there they find a tomb alright. But it's no egyptian princess. It's some ugly old mummy. Well, that is the end of the natives' help. They all run off, afraid of the curse of Ananka. So, the mummy disappears and suddenly people are dying- in the tomb, in the tent and then the mummy takes off with the magician's daughter, back to the hidden temple where his master waits to join himself with the girl for eternity.
The crack team of archeologists split to help find the girl. The straight man looks for the secret passageway, while Brooklyn goes around the back of the mountain to look for the temple. But the egyptian professor has the potion all drawn up and the mummy wants his fix too! The two archeologists, who remind me of Abbott and Costello, will have to pull out all the stops (and the bumbling) to stop him!
Despite the Abbott and Costello knock-offs, this is a great film. It is full of excitement, adventure, true suspense and the frequent comic relief is intentional! A fantastic mummy movie, maybe even my favorite... XXXX
Munster, Go Home! 1966 Universal Pictures
Director: Earl Bellamy
Starring: Fred Gwynne, Yvonne de Carlo, Al Lewis, Butch Patrick, a host of brit comedians, John Carradine, Richard Dawson and "Howard Sprague" from the Andy Griffith show?
Herman (Gwynne) comes home from work to find he has inherited a new pad in Britain, and along with it the title Lord Munster! The family packs up for a trip to jolly old England to meet their relatives "across the pond". While the family sails the Atlantic, we learn there are nefarious deeds going on at Munster Hall and the english Munsters are not so excited to meet the new Lord Munster.
After their long voyage- in which Herman spend largely seasick, Marilyn falls in love and Grandpa (Lewis) in the kennel after turning himself into a wolf- the family arrives in England and heads to the Hall. There wait Freddie, Grace and their mother Aunt Effigy, who are plotting to get rid of Herman so Freddie can assume the title he always felt he deserved, and they can keep the secret of Munster Hall.
Attempts to scare the family out, á la Scooby-Doo, fail miserably as Lily (de Carlo) and Herman find the spooks very entertaining. When the family realizes the townsfolk do not like the Munsters, especially Marilyn's new beau's family, they set out to solve the secret of Munster Hall. Despite promising Lily they would let the police handle it, Herman and Grandpa sneak out to snoop around.
They discover the secret and eventually are discovered in their discovery! But by then, Herman has agreed to run in an annual road race- to defend the Munster honor. While Lily and Grandpa are tied up in the basement, Herman takes to the track against several racers including Marilyn's off-again beau. But wait! Those british Munsters are up to something... And who is this "Griffin" character behind this Munster secret??
Even though it stalls at times, the gags keep coming and eventually the mystery captures your attention. An all-star cast, including some very familiar british comedians, gives us more memorable Munster characters and of course it's great to see the old family in color! Despite it's awkward moments, this is just as enjoyable as your favorite favorite Munster TV episodes! XXXX
Mysterious Island 1961 Columbia Pictures
Director: Cy Endfield
A group of civil war soldiers, union and confederate, escape a battle field in a hot air balloon, only to be caught up in some wind current that carries them out over the pacific(!). There they crash land on a tropical island, presumably uninhabited but for the fire they find on the beach. The isle is filled with giant plants and oysters the size of a football, so they chow down.
Seems oysters aren't the only thing on the island that are out of proportion, as one of our soldiers gets snatched up by a giant crab! After they find a snotty socialite and her niece washed up on the beach, they make home in a cave. The women make the place "home". More adventures follow: They are attacked by a giant chicken, then pirates. Yet, mysteriously, the pirate ship sinks. It's as though some unseen force is helping them to survive.
No mystery here... one of the soldiers and the niece stumble upon the Nautilus and soon Captain Nemo makes his appearance. All is well, until Nemo tells them the volcano is gonna blow and the have little time to escape. They hatch a plan to raise the pirate ship and sail away (this by patching the hole and filling it with air(!). So, the crew straps on giant sea shells for scuba gear(!) and set out to repair the pirate ship, which of course leads to more adventures!
Harryhausen's animation is great, albeit somewhat outdated, but the Jules Verne story is just plain laughable. I know it's just a fantasy but good grief man, you'd have to blow clear across the atlantic, africa, the indian ocean and australia to get to New Zealand! Unless the went against the jet stream, west... And giant shells do not make good scuba gear!! It's a symphony of ridiculousness but it's fun and kind of like Disneyland! XXX
Mysterious Island 2005 Larry Levinson Productions (yes, TV)
Director: Russell Mulcahy
Starring: Kyle MacLachlan, Patrick Stewart and Gabrielle Anwar.
OK, so the story is pretty much the same... Other than the chicks hitching a ride with them. Instead of Harryhausen clay-mation you've got really bad computer graphic effects- a giant cobra, crow and of course, spiders the size of VWs. Again, the whole story is ludicrous and despite the all star cast, this is far from all star material. It is, in fact, a lot like an episode of Doctor Who meets Pirates of the Caribbean! All stars are wasted on this piece of crap! X