Lady Frankenstein 1972 New World Pictures, Inc.
Director: Mel Welles
Starring: Joseph Cotten, Mickey Hargitay
An interesting twist on the Frankenstein story. Cotton is an adequately deranged Baron von Frankenstein, whose experiments with bring the dead to life are interrupted by his visiting daughter one night. She, however, is deviously inspired by the encounter and befriends the Baron's assistant Charles. The first attempt to bring their creation to life, is thwarted when the lightning ignites the creature's enormous head. Defeated, they leave the disfigured creature to discuss what to do next. Wouldn't you know it, the thing comes to life!!
The hideous monster kills the Baron and when his daughter finds out, she hatches a plan to build her own man- who will then defeat the monster. Charles is resistant at first, but is soon swayed by her womanly charms, or maybe it was her tits(?). A strapping police captain in a black cape (Harguitay) is right on the case, asking them lots of pesky questions. Meanwhile, the monster kills... paying homage to the original story when the monster comes across a young couple getting freaky in the bushes. He chases the guy off and scoops up the naked, screaming girl and throws her in the river. Then he's off to town to kill some more.
Back at the Frankenstein estate, the daughter has lured the handsome but retarded, young buck Tommy into the house and sets about seducing him. Charles is waiting in the wings to smother Tommy with a pillow, then they're off to the lab. Lady Frankenstein transplants Charles' brain into Tommy's body and brings her creation to life using questionable electronics. He turns out perfect, with a wig that looks just like his hair before the operation!
Outside, a mob of angry villagers (with torches, believe it or not) gather and overcome the police captain, but not before the monster finds his way back to exact his revenge on Charles. Of course Charles is now in Tommy's body, so I'm puzzled as to how the monster would recognize him. Nonetheless, he does and two supermen fight until Lady ends it with a sword. The villagers storm the house, setting fire to everything. In the basement, overcome with lust, the Lady jumps Charles? Tommy? and that how the captain and Tommy's sister find them- in a naked embrace, surrounded by chaos.
The sets are fantastic and the story is good too. The monster is hilarious, but overall XXX is all I can muster.
The Lady Vanishes 1938 Gainsborough Pictures
Director: Alfred Hitchcock
Starring: Michael Redgrave and people with funny names like Dame May Whitty and Googie Whithers!
Another mystery, another train... This one packed full of tourists who were stranded by an avalanche in a non-descript eastern european country. Our heroine, Iris, get konked on the head at the train station (by a planter falling from a window no less) and is a bit woozy. An old woman named Miss Froy helps her out, even giving her some her her prized mexican tea.
But wait! Suddenly Miss Froy is gone and everyone else in the compartment says there was no Miss Froy. Is Iris going bonkers or is something more sinister afoot? It is a Hitchcock movie so probably that last one. Finally, a dapper "gentleman" (Redgrave) sees some evidence in the window and believes Miss Iris.
Then we get the impression that a mysterious doctor and nun are behind all of this and have half the train on their side. A little switcheroo and a trip down the wrong tracks and nearly all are in peril, as nazi-like henchmen await. Iris must get back to her waiting fiancé and the "gentleman" now has a musical message to deliver. But can they get away with nazis all around and some conservative pussy trying to keep them from getting "involved"?
Although I don't think the idea of a mystery on a train was really new, all the political intrigue and the notion that poor Iris might just be loco may be new for 1938. It's a good story but a little slow. I mean, do we really need a night in the hotel, minute by minute, to set up these characters? Hitchcock had yet to reach his apex but was doing pretty well! XXX
The Lair of the White Worm 1988 Vestron Pictures
Director: Ken Russell
Starring: Amanda Donohoe, Hugh Grant and Catherine Oxenberg
Centers around two sisters and their beaus. Mary and Angus live on a farm, formerly a convent which was built on an ancient archeological site. The farm is owned by James (Grant) who is Mary's sister Eve's (Oxenberg) well-to-do boyfriend. The sisters parents had vanished in a cave a year or so before and the father's watch is found and returned to the girls.
About this time, snake-woman Sylvia Marsh (a scantily clad Donohoe!) moves in across the way from James and immediately starts slinking her way about. She steals the skull that Angus excavated from the farm and takes it back to her home. Picking up a boy scout along the way, she takes him home and thoroughly cock-teases him before drowning him in the bath!
A search party is dispatched to the cave and Eve goes missing, after returning for tea. Of course the snake-woman herself has lured her into her lair, checked her for "purity" and decided to make her the sacrifice to the white worm! The plan: Some snake charmer music, piped over loud speakers to lure Sylvia out, then Mary and Angus sneak in to find Eve. Except they find Mary's mother, who promptly bite Mary on the neck! Angus sucks out the venom but not before Mary is captured and taken to the pit.
There, Sylvia (with a fresh coat of blue paint) has Eve tied up and dangling over the "lair of the white worm". As Eve dangles from a thread, Angus snaps to and leaps to the rescue, pushing blue Sylvia into the mouth of the worm. He follows this with a hand grenade(!), which he pulled from his kilt(!) and the worm is no more!
Now, mind you we have already seen Angus pull a mongoose from his kilt! That sums up the feeling of the movie- very campy and ridiculous! Throughout, there are surreal "music video" sequences recalling the glory of the white worm... Nuns raped by soldiers, a white snake wrapped around Jesus on the cross and my personal fave, a topless Donohoe licking blood from a giant carved phallus!! What more could you ask for?? XXXX
The Land that Time Forgot 1975 Land Associates/American International Productions
Director: Kevin Connor
When a german u-boat sinks a ship in the Atlantic, in thick fog, the dozen or so surviving passengers of said ship band together and commandeer the sub. They lock up the german crew and after a brief mutiny by the prisoners, they are back in control and hopelessly lost! With ice bergs all about, the only land ahead is a treacherous stretch of coast the german captain has only heard of in legend. But there is warm, fresh water emerging from this island!
They find the source of the fresh water, and throwing all caution aside, submerge and traverse a narrow underwater passageway to the interior of the isle. What do they find here? Dinosaurs!! Needing fuel for their ship, they set out on land to find any possible source. A local caveman, Om?, after some initial trepidation, leads them to some crude oil. Within a day or two, they've built a massive fort and a make-shift oil refinery, out of logs and barrels!
The biologist lady they have with them finds that the further north one goes on the island, the more the biology changes but before she can get to the root of the discovery, all hell breaks loose. Volcanic activity forces the crew to pack up their fuel and split, leaving our handsome leading man and the biologist behind. They watch in horror, as the sub is destroyed, then resign themselves to life on the island.
Nearly thirty years after Unknown Island and still the same shitty effects; obviously toy boats, flying plastic pterodactyls as rigid as steel, foam rubber allosaurs that change shape from scene to scene! It is more colorful that the former movie (literally) but other than that, it's the same ol' story... X
Last Woman on Earth 1960 (Publishing info unavailable)
Director: Roger Corman
A snobbish investment banker (who'd a guessed?) named Harold and his dreamboat wife Evelyn are vacationing Puerto Rico with their friend Martin, doing all the fun things people do in Puerto Rico- like go to cock fights. Evelyn is somewhat bored. Outside of flirting with Martin, I suppose she would rather go shopping or maybe to the spa. Harold promises to take her somewhere fun and romantical... Fishing!
The three of them set out with a guide and they do go fishing- spear fishing. But a funny thing happens while they are under the sea and they emerge to find their guide dead in the boat. Not only that, but the engine won't start and good grief, matches won't even light! Still using their scuba gear to breathe, they paddle back to shore.
There they find that everyone is dead. The whole bustling resort is quiet and littered with corpses and they surmise that oxygen depletion is the culprit. About that time, they also discover that the oxygen is back. Everything has returned to normal, except that they are the only humans alive.
Well, there is still a house to live in, still fish in the ocean. The three settle into an uncomfortable existence in a beach house and ponder their future. Each time Harold goes fishing, Martin and Evelyn play "house", that is until Harold comes home and catches them. He gives Martin a beating and banishes him from the beach house. Things kind of escalate from there...
A nice twist on the love-triangle story and another above grade B-grade from Roger Corman. Filmed on location, along with Beast from the Haunted Sea, Corman takes advantage of the local flair. It's a better movie than you might expect but no Little Shop (below) or Bucket of Blood. XXX
Legacy of Satan 1976(? appears to be filmed earlier) Damiano Film Productions
Director: Gerard Damiano
Porn legend Damiano (Deep Throat) veers away from porn but not away from the devil. He follows up (or perhaps pre-dates) Devil in Miss Jones with this venture into the occult, where we find a cult of devil worshippers led by a passionate and handsome chap named Muldavo. He receives some divine (or this case, unholy) inspiration that he should take the wife of a friend of one of his followers for his own.
Working it both ways, he calls out to her in her sleep through some elaborate ritual- featuring a writhing girl on an altar and a burning photo of Maya (said wife). To hedge his bet, he has his new recruit Arthur invite Maya and George to a costume party. After the dream, Maya begins to act more and more nutty and George is growing concerned. They decide to go. Maybe it will do them both good...
They arrive and don their costumes, he the joker and she barely covered at all in a sheer white gown with strategically placed appliqué, not to mention her dream-like state. To expedite matters, Muldavo has the joker "removed" so he doesn't get in the way and sets out to begin his ritual, both to unite he and Maya and to kill Arthur who he believes has betrayed him!
As the high priestess raises the goblet to begin the ritual, the joker returns as prince charming... There to save the day, with what looks like an early light saber! It appears Muldavo's right-hand girl isn't so keen on him taking another bride. But can they save Maya from the forces of evil, or will Muldavo's spell be so easily broken?
This starts out very nicely, the main difference here being some quality location scouting. The actors, though largely unknown, are more than adequate and Maya seems legitimately disturbed at times. The atmosphere is dark and the weird electronic score really enhances the uneasy mood. OK, so we get a little cheesy toward the end, with the "holy sword of light" (are we in church?), but it pulls together again for a solid ending. Not as good as it's porn predecessors but still worth a gander. XXX
Lifeforce 1985 Golan-Globus Productions
Director: Tobe Hooper (yes, THAT Tobe Hooper...)
Starring: Patrick Stewart? Yup, sure enough. The Next Generation guy.)
The year is... Oh, hell. I don't know what year it is but the astronauts are flying the space shuttle right up to Haley's Comet, to study it a little closer. They find, attached to the front of the comet, a two mile long spaceship of some sort- with a giant umbrella up front. We must investigate!
Inside they find a bunch of mummified bat-like creatures and they are about to pack one of those up when the cap'n stumbles upon three naked people in plexi-glass pods... Two men and a fairly attractive girl, with all the right curves for male moviegoers! Anyhoo, they pull the three pods and bring them back to the shuttle.
The next thing you know, Mission Control can't reach the shuttle and sends another to rescue the first. The rescue team discovers a horrible scene, the inside of the shuttle is completely burned out, it's occupants crispy fried! Except of course our naked friends, who are safely stored in their cocoons.
Back on earth, it doesn't take long for the scientists to find that these creatures (especially our naked lady) are literally sucking the life out of people, not only that but she can leap from body to body with a single bound. Fortunately, for us earthlings, the cap'n bailed before the shuttle burned and he holds the secret. If only he can get to naked woman before every soul is sucked out of London!
OK, this is no Chainsaw Massacre, but it is an interesting new take on the vampires from space story. I first thought it would be a clone of 1979's Alien but it quickly changed paths. The actors were all effective and the story was rather suspenseful. Easily as good as '82's Poltergeist or the 1986 remake of Invaders from Mars, this one is another Hooper classic! XXXX
Liquid Sky 1982 Z Films
Director: Slava Tsuckerman
It's the Anne Carlisle show, starring Anne Carlisle (twice). Co-written and co-produced by Anne Carlisle. Who the hell is Anne Carlisle?? She went on to Desperately Seeking Susan and Crocodile Dundee, then she dropped off the face of the earth or perhaps was abducted by aliens! Well, this is a far cry from Dundee!! Carlisle stars as Margaret; a jaded, coked-up, NY fashion model with a posh rooftop apartment, which she shares with a drug dealer girlfriend named Adrian.
Well a little tiny spaceship lands on Margaret's roof and next thing you know, everyone Margaret fucks dies! (And this girl gets around.) First, there's her old professor. Dies right on top of her! Then some junkie, same thing! Then we have the photo shoot, which she spaced off, presumably from all the drugs. Lights, camera, more drugs and they're all egging the very Duran Duran-like Jimmy (also Carlisle) to fuck Margaret. She gets on her knees and gives the jerk a BJ. To everyone's shock, he disappears right before their eyes! And to our shock, we just watched Anne give herself a BJ!!
Adrian, in disbelief, bets them $300 she can fuck Margaret without dying. Poof! She's gone. So what do they do? Go to the club! There Margaret, now fully aware of her "killer pussy", meets up with a dude who drugged her and raped her on the stairs, in the beginning of the movie. And she wants revenge! A german scientist who has been watching from a woman's apartment, across the way (clueless to her advances BTW) goes over to save Margaret but it's too late, it just gets weirder from here... I know, hard to believe.
This is one strange movie. It captures the early '80s new wave scene perfectly, right down to the nails-on-a-chalkboard synthesizer soundtrack! Truly awful!! The movie, however, is truly fantastic. Unlike anything else out there, this ranks up there with Rocky Horror and Eraserhead, as completely original and completely fucked up! XXXXX
Lisa and the Devil a.k.a. La casa dell' esorcismo 1972 Leone Film Prod.
Director: Mario Bava
Starring: Elke Sommer and Telly Savalas!
Somewhere in-between Kelly's Heroes and Kojak, Telly Savalas lands in a Mario Bava picture. As a lollipop-sucking butler no less! But let's get to the story... Lovely Lisa (Sommer) wanders from her tour group, to do a little shopping. There she sees the butler and is a little freaked out about his likeness to El Diablo! Suddenly, she finds herself lost in a labyrinth of alleyways and side-streets. When a man gets a little too physical with her, she inadvertently sends him down the stairs- presumably to his death.
She finally spots a car and in it; a husband, his two-timing wife and the chauffeur (you know, the one she's fucking...). This old jalopy they are in, it breaks down and who should appear at the door? That's right, it's Telly! The son of the home's owner comes by too and he digs Elke Sommer in a major way. He checks with mom and she decides they can sit a spell- until the car is fixed.
Things don't go so smooth. After a extramarital romp, the chauffeur ends up dead in the car. Then then husband. Elke is even more terrified when the man she pushed down the stairs shows up, looking to "help" her! After being "laid" by the rich boy, on a bed next to a corpse(!), she relents but is the benefactor dead or is he real at all. Perhaps he's just the dummy that Telly bought at the store... And for that matter, is anything in this place real or is it just some sick fantasy, which poor Lisa has been drawn into? One more thing, just who is Lisa anyway??
Gone (for the most part) are the colored lights of the sixties, although Dario Argento was still using them. Here we have the soft focus and wavy screen effect of the seventies, used quite well. A puzzling story and lots of strange drama make it difficult at times. This is not Bava's best work but it is good enough! XXX
Little Shop of Horrors 1960 Santa Clara Productions
Director: Roger Corman
Ultra-nerd Seymour works for Mr- Muskin in a flower shop on skid row. By day he delivers floral arrangements and pines for the squeaky-voiced, but pretty, flower arranger, Audrey. By night, however, Seymour is a brilliant botanist, who develops a new breed of plant- a kind of a venus fly trap sort of plant.
The plant, which he names Audrey, Jr., is a little, sickly pod, which one night while Seymour is alone in the shop opens up and declares, "Feed me!" By damn, we have a talking plant!! Seymour, befuddled as to what to feed the little plant, accidentally cuts his finger and drips blood in its gaping maw. Once it tastes blood, there is no turning back... And Audrey, Jr. wants more, more, more!
Anemic and with bandages on all of his fingers, Seymour lucks out when a hobo is struck by a train. This night the plant eats well, to the horror of Mr- Mushkin, who came back to fetch something and witnesses the feeding. Now he must wrestle with his morals, as the plant becomes a sensation and business goes through the roof. How long can he ignore the terrible truth?
Here we have basically the same story as Corman's previous release, A Bucket of Blood. Everything else is different but the story is fine example of an ethical dilemma, which all of us have faced (to ignore obvious wrong doing for profit) so why not? Who knew you could get such philosophy lessons from a couple of horror films? While not quite as good as the above mentioned, it is a very memorable film- enough so to inspire an off-Broadway musical(!). XXXX
Little Shop of Horrors 1986 Geffen Film Company
Director: Frank Oz
Starring: Rick Moranis, Vincent Gardenia, Steve Martin, Bill Murray, John Candy, Christopher Guest, James Belush and the girls from Martin- Tisha Campbell and Tichina Arnold
No use re-hashing the story here. It runs just like the original Corman film (see above). Basically, nerdy flower shop employee discovers odd plant that revives business for the suffering shop and makes all of his dreams come true, but at what price? I'm not sure what exactly happened here or how this musical came about, but it appears that someone (or two- Howard Ashman and Allen Menken) were so struck with Corman's film that they felt they must turn it into an off-Broadway musical!
Ellen Greene, before only famous for her stage work as Audrey, reprises her role with the all-star cast above in what can only be described as a musical version of Little Shop of Horrors! Myself, I had long forgotten the original film of 1960, which I had seen on Nightmare Theatre sometime in my youth, but it wasn't too far into the film that things started to look familiar. I thought, "Wait, I've seen this before!" and I was right- to an extent.
Whether it be the direction of muppet master Frank Oz, the above-mentioned all-star cast, the stellar songwriting or familiarity of a great story from the past, this film is every bit as good as the original but a lot more fun! Sure it lacks the jazzy back beat and Audrey is blonde(?) but it makes up for it with the lively muppet action of the plant, voiced marvelously by the Four Tops' Levi Stubbs. Just like the original, I give it XXXX.
Lurkers 1987 Crown International Pictures
Director: Roberta Findlay
The first hour of this picture is a complete waste of time. Suffice it to say that Cathy had a shitty childhood, was saved by a "guardian angel" and she grew up and met Bob. Bob and Cathy are in love- MTV video montage kinda love. So much in love that violins play when he eats her pussy! Well, at least Cathy is in love... Bob is mackin' with some blonde on the side. So, now you can skip to the last 34 minutes when Bob takes Cathy to a party, in her old neighbor hood.
On the way, Cathy sees her guardian angel, who warns her not to "go home". Sure enough, the party is in the very building where Cathy grew up. She doesn't want to go in, so Bob says he'll just go in and say hello and they'll be on their way. Cathy stands outside (this is New York mind you) and is soon interrupted by a crazy guy with a sledge hammer! He chases her down the street and kills a young girl right in front of her. Bob is then able to coax her into the party.
Soon, he disappears "to call the police" and after he is gone for some time, Cathy begins to look for him. What she discovers is that this is no ordinary party. There's strange goin's on in those thar bedrooms! A transsexual lesbian and some old swingers, worse yet it's Bob and he's mixed up in some kind of scheme. Cathy overhears her fate and makes a run for it, but where to go?
The end is really pretty good. Twist and turns and BDSM in the corridor! Seriously, read the first paragraph of my review and watch it like you would an '80s porno... That is, fast forward to the action! Overall XX.