Kill, Baby, Kill! 1966 Eurofilm Consolidated
Director: Mario Bava
Starring: Erika Blanc
A doctor, who looks like a cross between Steve McGarrett and James West, arrives in a Transylvanian village, which has been beset by bloody "suicides", which occur after the victim sees the ghost of a little girl. Presumably, he is there to help a local investigator get to the bottom of things. The bergermeister is only partially cooperative and his girlfriend (sister/whatever she is) is more content to use her sorcery powers than any scientific method.
The doctor takes up residency in the local inn and the work soon comes his way. The locals, being very superstitious, fight him every inch of the way; trying to bury victims he needs to autopsy and ignoring his advice to rely on witchcraft and herbal remedies! He gets fed up when the innkeeper's daughter is being tortured instead of cured and finally sways her mother to his way. But it's too late. The daughter impales herself on the candelabra!
Along the way, the doctor has befriended Monica (Blanc) and she sees the ghost, starting her terrifying descent. All culminates at the castle, where the little girl lived and the bitter mother who's hell bent on revenge. Monica and the doctor solve part of the mystery, but not before the raven-haired sorceress does and takes her revenge on the mother for sending the ghost to kill the bergermeister!
It's not bad... A scary little girl, good use of lighting and great gothic sets. Not particularly scary but suspenseful enough to keep you guessing. Not director Mario Bava's best work. XXX
Killer Klowns from Outer Space 1988 Orion Pictures
Director: Stephen Chiodo, with help from his brothers Charles and Edward
Starring: John Vernon (of Animal House fame!)
Ah, Make-Out Point... And young lovers are necking under the starry skies. Suddenly, a meteor flashes across the sky and lands nearby, scaring the bageezus out of an old farmer up he road. He grabs a shovel and goes to investigate- thinking it's Haley's Comet and he's going to get rich! Instead he finds a giant circus tent. But this is no normal circus tent...
By the time teens Mike and Debbie arrive, the old man and his dog are toast... Cotton candy to be exact. That's what the kids find when they sneak inside the tent to have a closer look. Barely escaping the clown-like aliens themselves, they try to warn Debbie's cop ex-beau and that's where we run up against Office Mooney (Vernon, once again perfectly cast)- an old school, drunk with power, asshole of a cop who thinks all teens are criminals!
Officer Dave takes Debbie home and Mike along to investigate. But the tent is gone and Dave thinks, like Mooney, that the two are just farting around. Meanwhile the klowns have wandered into town and are on a rampage- using all manner of clown tricks to lure people close enough to trap them in balloons or cotton candy. Mooney, of course, just thinks the whole town is in on the gag... Until one of the klowns shows up at the police station in person.
Officer Dave, Mike and Debbie recruit the brothers Terenzi and their ice cream truck to fight the klowns and find where they have moved their tent. All leads to a big showdown with the biggest, baddest klown you ever saw!
As much a comedy as a sci-fi thriller, and this time the humor was intentional. These Chiodo Brothers did a great job of writing, producing and directing, and the klown costumes are fantastically creepy. This would be my friend Crystal's worst nightmare (next to Clown Porn) and to think it all started with one little kid who was afraid of clowns and grew up to be a writer. I still want to be a clown when I grow up and love this movie! XXXXX
The Killer Must Kill Again 1974 Starlight s.r.l. Italy
Director: Luigi Cozzi
George Hilton stars as a businessman whose bitchy, rich wife threatens to cut him off financial and ruin his business, if he doesn't stop fucking around. He gets pissed and goes for a drive. While stopping to phone his girlfriend, he witnesses a man dumping a girls body... actually, making it look like an accident. He approaches the killer and blackmails him into killing his wife and making it look like a kidnapping.
The killer enters their home under false pretenses and while the husband parties with friends, he strangles the wife. After putting her in the trunk of a grey Mercedes, he goes back inside and wipes a few fingerprints. When he returns, the car is gone! Quickly, he hotwires a neighbors car and takes off after the Mercedes, which is not hard to find with a couple of dumb-ass kids behind the wheel.
The kids, a guy named Luca (let's just call him Luke) and his thrill-seeking girlfriend, are headed for the beach and at every stop the killer finds out they are just ahead. Well, the kids make it to the beach and break into an old house nearby. They mack for a little bit but the girl is hungry. She sends Luke for some grub. Along the way, Luke picks up a stranded motorist- a shapely, blond stranded motorist.
Since he's in no hurry to get back to his prick-tease girlfriend, he bangs the blond in the backseat. Meanwhile, at the beach house, the killer is raping his girlfriend! Luke comes back, with the blond(!), and is beat up by the killer; who then goes out to find the blond has discovered the body in the trunk. (This guy just can't catch a break!) He calms her down and takes her into the beach house, where he stabs her to death right in front of the girl and her unconscious boyfriend. Will the killer get the car back? Will the husband get away with it? You'll see...
Very suspenseful, this one. I admit, I had no idea what this killer would do next! Right on the edge of my seat, throughout! The only bad thing about this movie was the wife's acting. Good thing she got killed early on!! XXXX
The Killer Nun 1978 Cinesud-Surf Films s.r.l.
Director: Giulio Berruti
Starring: Anita Ekberg
Sister Gertrude (Ekberg) is coming undone. She heads up the nursing unit a a psychiatric hospital but she may as well be one of the patients! She had some kind of brain tumor and ever since they operated, she has been addicted to morphine and acting more cruelly and unpredictably. When the doctor cuts her off on the dope, she kills a patient to get money for more- taking the train to the city to pawn the patient's ring and have anonymous sex in a stairwell.
Back at the hospital, the ever faithful (and in love with Gertrude) Sister Matilda scores some dope for her mentor and the killings continue. After the doctor questions her reasoning, Sister Gertrude insists that he be replaced and the all too obliging administrator sees to it, right away. But the new doctor seems to have even more questions than the former!
The patients revolt, Sister Gertrude seduces Sister Matilda and after watching one of the female patients have intercourse with a wheelchair bound male patient in the rain, he ends up dead too! The doctor gives Gertrude a sedative but she wakes up and she goes after the patient who asked her why she kills. It's too late though, the new doctor has involved the police and they are coming down. The Mother Superior must intervene, locking Gertrude away, where she can do no more harm.
This is a very twisted film! At the time of its release, it was censored heavily in the US and banned in Britain... and now we see why! With blatant drug use, sexual deviance (including references to necrophilia!) and the sadistic torture and murder of several mental patients by a nun, I'm surprised the makers weren't burned at the stake! I found it perfectly delightful and well, arousing. If you don't have a fetish for nuns, you may after this! XXXXX
The Killer Shrews 1954 Hollywood Pictures Corp.
Director: Ray Kellogg
Here we have a macho sea captain and his Uncle Tom mate. They are off to deliver supplies to a remote gulf island (Texas, that is...), inhabited by a team of geneticists. The old guy with the hot blonde daughter, his partner, her fiancé and the mexican guy- you know, "the help". This is 1954 mind you. Our sea-faring friends soon find there is more on the island than the above-mentioned folks, some 200 monster shrews!
Of course the negro gets it first, then the girl falls for the dashing captain, which of course pisses off her beau. This leads to several fist fights and a mental breakdown of the already sketchy beau. The bigger the danger gets, the more this guy panics and nearly gets every one (especially the captain!) killed. Well, they all find themselves barricaded in the house and just waiting for daybreak.
But wait! The 50 pound shrews are chewing right through the walls!! The sun comes up and captain comes up with a plan. But can they make it without you know who ruining things? Not without losing a shoe!
This is a very comical movie, mostly due to the "special effects"- that is, dogs in shrew costumes! Teamed with the ridiculously fake close-ups of the shrews (creative examples of taxidermy), bad acting and of course the "science" (for instance, the shrews becoming venomous from eating poison intended to kill them!), the dogs are just another in a line of chuckles. XXX
Killers from Space 1954 Planet Filmways
Director: W. Lee Wilder
Starring: Peter Graves
OK, here we go... A scientist (Graves), on a space exploration, crash lands in the desert. Like a Twilight Zone episode, he is not the same when he returns; behaving mysteriously, collecting secrets and punching people out! Eventually he is captured by government agents, who shoot him full of "truth serum" to get at what is troubling him.
The tale the scientist tells is a tall one. See, he was resurrected by bug-eyed aliens (some of the funniest I've seen, by the way!) who are from a distant solar system, with a dying sun. They had already fled one planet to save themselves and now, they plan on invading earth. They have grown giant insects and lizards to kill the human race. They will then use gamma rays to kill these monsters and take over earth as their own!
Despite the "truth serum", the g-men don't believe their ears (typical of the government- ignore a clue, which they themselves uncovered). They label the scientist crazy, which of course leaves him to break out of the hospital and save the world single-handedly... In a most absurd way, I might add!
Low budget, overly dramatic and full of the most ridiculous pseudo-science of the era! There are plastic flying saucers, no better than an Ed Wood movie and the aliens are hilarious, with their ping-pong ball eyes and belted jumpsuits. Honestly, I laughed out loud when I first saw one!! A prime example of 1950s sci-fi. XXX
King Kong 1933 RKO Radio Pictures
Director: Ernest B. Schoedsack, Marian C. Cooper
Starring: Fay Wray
I don't know if there's anyone out there who hasn't seen this film but here goes: Carl Denham is an ambitious fellow, an adventurer and film maker. He is out to film the fabled beast of Skull Island but first he needs a girl, and it seems the ladies aren't interested in this sort of adventure. In the city, he finds Ann Darrow- a starving, unemployed, former extra. He hires her on the spot.
Off they go, with a shipload of sailors, lead more by the ship's mate, Driscoll, than the captain. Along the way, Ann melts Driscoll's disposition toward women, or at least toward her. When they finally arrive, they find the natives in the midst of an elaborate ritual. They are preparing a bride for the beast, which lies unseen behind a huge wall and gates. The interlopers interrupt the proceedings enough that the witchdoctor calls off the ritual. The chief then decides he wants Ann for the bride!
The crew retreats to the ship, hoping to return the next day. Driscoll reveals his feelings to Ann and just moments later, she is whisked away by the natives. She is tied up and the beast is summoned. About this time, the crew notices Ann missing from the ship. Man the boats!! Kong appears and is instantly smitten. He takes Ann into the jungle, with Driscoll and the crew hot on his heels.
Kong battles many a dinosaur, including the vicious tyrannosaurus rex, getting his bride back home to his lair and also smites most of the pursuing crew. Driscoll finally gets his chance while Kong fights a pterodactyl that had tried to snatch Ann away. He rescues Ann and they make it back through the gates. Kong, however, is determined to reclaim his bride. He smashes through the gates and the crew is forced to gas the great ape. Denham then gets the brilliant idea to bring Kong back to New York! It is the beginning of the end for Kong...
Yes, there's the typical overacting of the period and Willis O'Brien's groundbreaking stop-motion effects now seem dated, at best! The short-comings of the period do nothing to diminish the final result... A masterpiece of early cinema! XXXXX
King Kong 2005 Universal Pictures
Director: Peter Jackson
Starring: Naomi Watts, Jack Black and Adrien Brody
For once, the story is pretty much the same so I won't rehash the synopsis (see above, King Kong 1933). There are some minor differences in character. This Driscoll (Brody) is a sensitive chap, who doesn't realize his feelings for Ann until he sees it played out in front of him, back in New York. Denham, however, is played to the hilt by Jack Black. Yes, he's a ham... but for this character it works and is not unlike the original in his blind greed.
In today's world of dizzying special effects, gone is the "wow" factor of the original and so the focus is more on the love story. Where Fay Wray never completely broke "victim" in her portrayal, Naomi Watts plays much more empathy into Ann. We come to believe Watts' Ann is as smitten by Kong as he is by her! It makes for a much more heartfelt and eventually heartbreaking film. Much more like the 1976 version, starring Jessica Lange and Charles Grodin.
Neither are as exciting as the original, but this is not bad. XXX
King Kong vs. Godzilla 1963 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Inoshiro Honda
A submarine pierces a glowing iceberg unleashing the rubbery, fire-spitting daddy of all quasi-dinosaurs, Godzilla. Not being one to pussyfoot around, Godzilla heads south toward Tokyo. Lord know he wouldn't want to go anywhere else! Meanwhile, on an island somewhere near New Zealand, the natives are cooking up some powerful homebrew from some plum-size, red berries. Being the head of a big pharmaceutical company, Mr. Tako has got to get his hands on those berries. He sets out on an expedition to the island with his stooge-like cronies, who are soon captured by the natives.
The natives, while supposedly pacific islanders, look a lot like japanese with grey paint on there faces! Wearing grass skirts over real skirts, and coconut bras the women writhe around to some standard savage drumbeats. I couldn't help but note that the "hot" native girl didn't have bigger breasts than the rest of the girls, but did have bigger coconuts!!
For some reason, the natives allow the interlopers to go into the interior where they find the greatest of great-apes, King Kong. Not the old claymation Kong, but a patchy fur suited gorilla of epic proportions. With the help of the natives' drumming and a strong dose of berry-brew, Kong goes down in a one-two thud... on his ass, and then flat on his back!! The explorers capture Kong and put him on a raft, loaded with dynamite and haul him back toward Tokyo. When the grand ape awakens, they decide to blow him to bits rather than risk unleashing his fury. Needless to say, it doesn't work and Kong rises from the water to start northward to Tokyo! Kong runs full-bore through the landscape, arms flailing in the air, crushing villages underfoot. This was by far the funniest scene in the movie!
After trying to trap Godzilla in a giant pit but merely redirecting him to Mt. Fuji, the military decides the best course of action will be (what else) to let the two monsters duke it out on the mountain. Kong chews on some power lines for strength (also very funny!), kidnaps a girl and climbs a building, but is once again subdued by berries and drumming- this time broadcast over loudspeakers! So, they hook him up to balloons and tug him to Mt. Fuji and dump his monkey-ass down the hillside, right into Godzilla. This leads to another hilarious fight scene, with Styrofoam rocks and ringside commentary from a circling helicopter. I won't spoil it for you, but both monsters disappear and Tokyo is safe... for now.
I have to give this one XXX as it's another in a long line of solid Toho features.
King of the Zombies 1941 Monogram Pictures
Director: Jean Yarbrough
Starring: Mantan Moreland (Spider Baby)
It was a dark and rainy night... Seriously? A couple of square-jaws and their wide-eyed servant, Jeff (Moreland, as wide-eyed as ever), are flying over the Caribbean on their way to somewhere, when they catch an emergency signal from below. When the descend to investigate, they of course crash, on a jungle island!
Say, isn't this the same area where Admiral So-and So went down? Again... Seriously? On the island they meet a bunch of negro servants (it is 1941) and their boss, a german mesmerist named Dr- Sangre(?). OK, so he's a german with a french name. This Hollywood... Er, off-Hollywood.
Jeff is forced to stay with the servants as it would be unheard of for him to stay with his buddies upstairs. He befriends the maid who is cute but is suspicious of the cook and the butler, who are not so cute. But what really makes his eyes bug out are the zombies! Soon enough, he is one of them and so is one of the square-jaws!
Is Jeff doomed to wander with the zombies, making wisecracks for all eternity, or will Dr- Sangre's niece help the other square-jaw un-mesmerize them and save the day? You guess...
This is very typical fare for the era, replete with underlying love story and overt racial classification. But it is not all bad. Moreland is funny as the easily spooked Jeff and really, it's him you want to see escape at the end. Who cares about the square-jaws and the girl? Better than White Zombie but nowhere near as good as I Walked with a Zombie! XXX
King Solomon's Mines 1937 Gaumont British Pictures Corp.
Director: Robert Stevenson
This is not the Richard Chamberlain/Sharon Stone Raiders of the Lost Ark wannabe action epic I remember from my 20s, no... This is likely the first telling of this tale. An irish lass and her father are in South Africa hoping to strike it rich in diamonds. They take up with a gruff hunting guide who reluctantly agrees to take them to the shore.
They camp alongside a river, where across lays a "devil's land" where no man dare set foot, except of course Umbopa who is from that land. A mysterious stranger rolls in from the forbidden land and soon after dies, but not before the irishman gets his hands on a map of King Solomon's mines!
When the irishman takes off in pursuit of the diamonds, his daughter begs the hunting guide to help her find him. Umbopa wants to help and agrees to guide them, even though he has been exiled. Again, the hunter reluctantly agrees. They make it to the land of Umbopa's people who welcome them with ropes and spears.
The white men and Umbopa trick the people into believing they are magic and take them back from Umbopa's evil nemesis, who has a really nice fight with the irish daughter's love interest. Now to find that greedy, stupid irishman!
While not quite as exciting, this one was filmed on location. Impressive for the time. Unfortunately all of the other hallmarks of the time are present... Loud stage acting, highly improbable dialogue, black american singers playing african natives. I mean, the guy who played Umbopa may as well have been crooning down the Mississippi with Huck Finn! Might have to revisit the 1985 version or at least the 1950 one... X
Kiss Me, Kill Me a.k.a. Baba Yaga 1969 14 Luglio Cinematografica
Director: Corrado Farina (Often falsely attributed to Umberto Lenzi)
Strange goings on in the city... Milan, near as I can tell. A sexy young photographer, named Valentina, goes for a walk one night and is nearly hit by a car. Behind the wheel is a mysterious woman, dressed all in black and a veil. She says her name is Babba Yaga. After offering Valentina a ride home, Ms- Babba handily removes one of Val's garter straps and tells her she will return it the next day. Which she does, right in the middle of a photo shoot with a lovely topless model. Babba stays just long enough to rub Val's old camera and leave her address.
The next day, Val picks up the camera and goes to visit her beau, Arnold (or Arneaux- who knows?) on the set of a commercial he is shooting. She goes to take a photo and the film camera jams. Then back at her studio, her next model becomes ill. Val decides to pay the Babba Yaga a visit, despite the fact that her friends think the woman is hot for her and finds her alone in an old run-down house. She shoots some photos of jewelry and explores the attic, where she finds a strange dominatrix doll and some velvet gloves. The latter inspires her to lay down an fondle herself(!) with them until Babba interrupts and gives her the doll as a gift!
After this, she takes a photo of a protester on the street, causing him to fall dead right there in the road! Val is now certain her camera is cursed. On her next shoot, she sets it aside and uses her Canon. After the shoot, however, the lights go out and her friend Roena is attacked. Val finds that the whole thing was photographed on the "cursed" camera. She and Arnie develop the film and are quite shocked with what they see! Roena later succumbs to her wounds and Val, after some more crazy dreams (she has them throughout), heads back to confront Babba. Arnie arrives later and realizing Val could be in great danger, goes to the old house to try and save her.
This film is a wonderfully odd piece of italian/french cinema. Dark, mysterious and sexual with dreams of nazi firing squads and artistic B&W sex scenes. Quite kinky S&M references for '69 as well! Weird, weird, weird... but excellent! XXXXX