Halloween 2007 Dimension Films
Director: Rob Zombie
Starring: Malcolm MacDowell, William Forsythe, Mrs- Zombie and one of my personal favorites, Danny Trejo!
I have to admit it's been a while since I've seen the 1978 original. What I do remember is a fine film and please note: I am not a big fan of slasher films! Here we start some 16 years before Carpenter's opening scene, with a young Michael Myers growing up in a typically dysfunctional household- alcoholic father, over-acted stripper mom, slut sister... Little Mikey retreats into his mask and the perverted joys of torturing small animals.
Bullied and beaten, Michael one day snaps and takes out the whole family... Except the baby. Mom comes home to find him sitting on the porch with the little one. Young Michael is convicted and remanded to an institution where a hippy-dippy Dr- Loomis tries in vain to save the sick youngster.
Roll Carpenter's opening. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood and it's nearly halloween. Perky teen Laurie has a gig babysitting some snot-nosed brat. Her friend Danielle tricks her into taking on her babysitting ward, so she can go neck with her BF. Sound familiar? It is. Even the setting has the feel of yesterday's movie.
By now, of course, Mikey is all grown up. About 7', 400 lbs near as I can tell. With the unwitting help of a couple of west virginia asylum guards, he escapes and heads home to reunite with baby sis. Again, we're sticking right to the story- which is good. Loomis tries to warn the townsfolk while Mikey has to kill a few people before he hits the mark, dragging Laurie back to the old home. From here it's a long, long fight to the death.
Not nearly as bad as everyone makes it out to be, but not really good either. Especially disappointing after Zombie's prior films, which I loved. I think the main problem here is that Halloween did not need to be remade. Carpenter made a benchmark film which stood the test of time. Why fuck with it? Please Rob, we'd rather see how Baby and Otis grew up! Let's say XX on the redoux.
The Hatchet Murders a.k.a. Deep Red 1975 Rizzo Productions
Director: Dario Argento
OK, there is a british guy named Marco(?), apparently living in Italy. He's hangin' out in the street with his overly dramatic friend Carlo, when they hear a blood curdling scream. Marco proceeds down the street where he spots, in the window above, his psychic neighbor being struck down with a hatchet (actually more of a cleaver). After talking to the policia, he decides maybe he would make a better detective. He teams up with a tough talking female reporter, Gianna. That is until she beats him in an arm wrestle and they decide to make it a contest to see who can find the killer!
The killer strikes again and Marco's queries lead him to an abandoned villa, where he uncovers an unusual drawing on the wall, under the plaster. It gets a little confusing after this... Another of Marco's friends discovers a clue at the scene of the second killing but falls victim to the cleaver himself, before he can divulge the secret. Marco finds a picture showing a window at the villa, which has been covered up. He climbs the side and picks his way through, nearly falling three stories in the process.
He tries again, from inside, with much better results... He finds a mummified corpse. He is then saved by Gianna, after the villa goes up in flames. Later, a chance glimpse of a child's recreation of the above drawing leads him to a school, where he and Gianna team up to find the source of the drawing. They do, but not before Gianna wanders off and gets knifed in the gut! Marco finds the drawing and is confronted by the killer but wait... He can't be the killer! Who is it then?
This movie was touted as "a master work of italian horror" but I don't know that it's all that. It is suspenseful and dark, but it's also confusing. Maybe there is a director's cut? XX
The Haunted Strangler 1957 Amalgamated Productions
Director: Robert Day
Starring: Boris Karloff
Karloff makes good as the obsessed author Rankin, penning a book on the most horrific murders since Jack the Ripper. As Rankin researches the the murders and subsequent execution of the killer, he realizes that they may have executed the wrong man. But why have there been no more killings in twenty years? Because a secret is buried in that old graveyard over there.
Despite the fact that he just fainted at the site of a prisoner's lash marks(!), Rankin digs up the grave of the alleged killer. He finds the secret he was looking for and the killings resume... Only now it is he doing the killing! He seems to split in two, at times trying to solve the case but then he becomes a maniac, hanging out a seedy can-can clubs and dispatching dancers. He must wrestle with his inner doubts and the evil that has possessed him before he can face the truth!
Before that, he kills a few more girls, gets locked up in the insane asylum and cleverly tricks the gum-shoes in front of his own house. It's quite the adventure!
Here we have a good old fashioned serial killer movie. Karloff is great as the confused novelist but the movie is only pretty good. Maybe just a little too typical of the time... XXX
The Haunting 1963 MGM Pictures
Director: Robert Wise
An archeology professor assembles a hodge-podge team to investigate a haunted house, so horrible that not even it's care takers will spend the night in it. The "team" includes Theodora, a psychic; the doctor's nephew and for some reason, a mentally unstable girl from Boston, named Eleanor or "Nell". Nell thinks aloud to herself throughout the movie, so we immediately know she's cracked!
The foursome settles in and the very first night, they are plagued by the main event, thumping noises in the hall and doorknobs that almost turn. It's all suspense, as we never see the menace which lurks outside the door. After each seeing horrific things in their rooms, they all huddle in the parlor... safety in numbers, I reckon. Finally, Nell goes completely mad! No longer afraid she dances about the house, even hiding from the others!
The doc decides she must go home, that this has all gone too far. And it has. There are a few suspenseful scenes but all in all, this is a really boring movie and in the end I wished they would all die for wasting my time! ~
The Haunting of Julia a.k.a. Full Circle 1977 Canadian Film Development Corp.
Director: Richard Loncraine
Starring: Mia Farrow and a bunch of british actors
Julia (Farrow) and her unlikely bankerish husband, Magnus, are sitting down to breakfast with their daughter, Lily. It's an ugly grey british morning and little Lily chokes to death on a piece of apple. In a futile attempt to save her daughter, Julia attempts an emergency tracheotomy (maybe she saw it on the tele?). Anyway, the authorities question her intentions and hospitalize her.
Upon her release, she full-on runs away from her husband, hops in a cab and takes off for the suburbs, where she buys an abandoned (and furnished) home. There, she resumes her life, with the help of her friend George? Jeffrey? Hell, the long haired guy. And with the help of some friendly neighbors, who think it would be a good idea to have a séance (only in the '70s...).
The kooky old lady who summons the spirits sees something awful and Julia sets about figuring out what happened to a little boy, who was murdered in a nearby park. What this has to do with anything, I don't know! But she finds out and along the way her stalker estranged husband finds her... Or, more accurately his demise in her basement.
Suddenly we are focused on a little girl who died in the house two owners ago and the similarities between this child's and Julia's daughter's death. By the time she meets the ghost of the little girl I was already working on things around the house. I won't spoil the end for you but I will say WTF?
This is one of those '70s movies which makes no sense at all, is painfully slow and has that soft focus that dates it horribly. Not to mention the Moog synthesizer soundtrack, which was the most entertaining part of this dull flick. It would be better suited for a porno and I'm sure I would have enjoyed that much more! X and that is just for the Moog!
The Hearse 1980 Marimark, Inc.
Director: George Bowers
Starring: Joseph Cotten
After a divorce that nearly sent her "over the edge", Jane is bequeathed her aunt's old house in the country. She decides a change of scenery will do her good and sets off to live in the house. She is immediately greeted with hostility, by nearly everyone in town. The lawyer (Cotten) who's been watching over the place feels he deserved it and parents are telling their kids not to go anywhere near her. One exception is Paul, the son of the also not very friendly hardware store owner.
Paul takes a liking to Jane and volunteers to help her fix up the place. Of course, his intentions are to fix Miss Jane up- if you know what I mean! To everyone else, the house is haunted, it's inhabitants cursed! Poor Paul's puppy love doesn't last long. When the debonair and suave Tom Sullivan strolls into Jane's life, Paul is done for! Tom woos Jane like only a romance novel hero can, and she falls for it. Aaahhh...
Along the way, Jane has been menaced by a '50s era hearse, always trying to drive her off the road. She even dreams the the hearse takes her to her own funeral! It was Tom who saved her from the hearse one night and that's how they came to fall in love. Aaaahhh... Jane now blames the lawyer for tormenting her and for a spell, he does. But it's not really the lawyer who is after Jane and not all is as it seems, there in the old house. Something much more sinister is at play!
This was actually much better than I thought it would be and even though I pretty much guessed the ending by midway through, it was still worth seeing out. Adequately moody and suspenseful. XXX
The Hideous Sun Demon 1959 Clarke-King Productions
Directors: Robert (Man from Planet X) Clarke and Tom Boutross
Starring: Robert (Man from Planet X) Clarke
Dr- McKenna the hard-drinkin' scientist (Clarke) is accidentally exposed to a "new kind of radiation" in Dr- Buckell's lab. The cute brunette lab assistant saw the whole thing but the funny thing is, McKenna seems completely normal- no burns, no ill effects. A couple more days in the hospital and he should be fine. Let's get him some sun, that will make him feel better.
But when exposed to the sun... Egads! He turns into a monster! (A lot like the Creature from the Black Lagoon!!) Turns out he is "turning back evolution" to when we were amphibious (we do look a little like salamanders in womb for a time...). So, Dr- McKenna must now live out his life like a vampire, only going out at night and avoiding the sun at all costs.
As a boozer, this works for a while. He drives Highway 1, he strolls the beach and hangs out at a dive bar, drinking bourbon and watching some blonde sing and tinkle the ivories. Soon he musters up the balls to meet the blonde and after a scuffle with her heavy-handed suitor, they escape to the beach. She gets sand on her back and they fall asleep under the stars. Ooops!
He wakes in a panic and bails, leaving the chick on the beach, rushing home as he morphs into the frog-man again. This time the brunette is looking for him and finds him hiding in his basement walk-in refrigerator (!), thankfully back to normal. But not for long... See, people keep forcing him into the sunlight and the more he is out there, the more he kills- the blonde's suitor, a cop, another cop. Now the cops are pissed and out for blood. I don't think it's going to end well...
This flick is full of made-up science. My favorite was the book showing the development of the fetus, with illustrations of pollywogs and mudfish thrown in! Very funny!! Mainly, this was another in a long line of "warnings about the danger of man's meddling" films. I don't even know how many I've seen, especially considering the Toho Pictures string. This is more along the lines of The Slime People but maybe a little better. XX
High Tension 2003 Lions Gate Films
Director: Alexandre Aja
I wasn't sure whether to even review this or not but I figured hey, I reviewed the remake of Willard, so what the hell. This movie was kinda confusing. Like a Mentos commercial, it appeared at first glance to be american but something wasn't quite right. Since Hollywood can't seem to come up with anything original anymore (or is too afraid to), stealing other country's hits has been the norm since the mid-nineties. Not content to have their movie americanized for US consumption, the makers of this film tried to do it themselves- with marginal results. The actors go back and forth between english and french (with subtitles) and things just look as american as well, a Mentos commercial.
The story concerns the sexy, short-haired Marie and her plain-jane, lesbie lover Alex. They go to meet Alex's parents in their home in the woods- maybe it was Canada, eh? After meeting with everyone, they retire to the bedroom for some undercover carpet-munching. Alex, being the recipient gives us her best on-screen noogie. Then there's knock at the door. It's as though M. Emmett Walsh has been transported directly from 1975 to the front door, sideburns and all, and he's a psychopath. He kills Alex's dad, by wedging his head in the banister and then knocking it off by sliding the curio into it! He then sets about exterminating the whole family, one by one.
Our heroine, Marie, tries every trick in the book to defeat him and save the others, all to no avail. Finally she is trapped in the back of the obviously european panel-van with Alex, as the madman takes them who knows where. Marie gets herself loose and when they stop for gas, runs into the gas station and asks for help. Too late! There's ol' Emmett and he axes the clerk. Marie has to make a run for it and Emmett takes off with Alex. So then she has to steal a 70's Capri with confederate flag license plates(!) and chase down Emmett, eventually confronting him in a greenhouse(?). They take turns bludgeoning and suffocating each other until Marie finally wins the battle with her homemade, barbed-wire club! Meanwhile, the cops (who look very euro) show up at the gas station and find the truth on the video surveillance system. If you're actually going to rent this turd, skip the next paragraph.
There is no M. Emmett Walsh at all. He is merely Marie's alter-ego. The whole rest of the show, she goes after Alex with a vengeance- sometimes as Emmett, sometimes as Marie... but always covered with blood. Finally Alex says the magic words, "I love you" and sticks a crow-bar in Marie's chest. This would have been a suitable ending, with Marie mumbling repeatedly. But like most horror-suspense of the 21st century, you have to have the stupid ending. In this, Marie (somehow still alive) is sitting in her padded cell and Alex is looking in, nervously asking "She can't see me right?" To which, Marie turns and reaches out her hands toward the glass. Give me a break!
It was the ultimate let-down to a perfectly pointless movie. ~ Note: This is why I will stick to older movies and remakes of said...
The Holy Mountain 1973 Allen & Betty Klein and Co.
Director: Alejandro Jodorowsky
I couldn't miss a chance to see Jodorowsky on the big screen and with the re-release of El Topo and The Holy Mountain, I got my chance.
Mountain starts with a Christ-like figure leaving behind his go-go dancer followers when he meets a mad-hatted spiritual leader at the top of a red tower. The white suit guru, switches to a dark suit and introduces Jesus to a zodiac of leaders, one from each planet and each with their own specialty (manufacturing weapons, chief of police, toymaker, etc.)
Under the guru's leadership, all embark on a quest to the holy mountain- to find the ancient gurus and steal their knowledge. Over hill and over dell, so to speak, they travel learning various spiritual lessons along the way. They face their worst fears and let go of their bodies, while all the while Jesus' main squeeze follows them with her pet chimpanzee. A mountaintop, a pyramid and a sacred table of shrouded figures and it all comes out... The truth!
The story is crazy but it doesn't matter much. The story is second fiddle to the surreal and astonishing visual head trip. It's a real head-scratcher and unlike anything I've seen, before or since. This is one of the strangest things ever put to film! XXXX
Horror Express 1972 Benmar Productions
Director: Eugenio Martín
Starring: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas and an argentinian guy who looked just like Robert de Niro!
It's a period piece, with all the stuffy brittish types on an expedition to Siberia. Lee is the fanatical scientist who stumbles upon the greatest discovery since King Tut, a frozen prehistoric man-beast-thing. He has his men chip the thing out and box it up for the train ride back to Europe- the trans-siberian express.
It turns out that some snooty blue-bloods are along for the journey and they have brought along their own version of Rasputin (the de Niro guy) who warns of the evil Lee has crated up for transport. Another doctor (Cushing) assures everyone it's alright and off they go, westward through the russian snow.
Now, how far do you think they are going to get? Soon, folks who go near the crate are afflicted- killed really. Their brains "erased". See you know this because when your brain gets erased, your eyes turn white and upon autopsy you brain resembles a hard boiled egg. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
The beast hypnotizes the help and is freed. It kills a few more and then KABLAM! he's shot dead. Whew! Glad that's over!! But is it really over? I mean we haven't even seen Telly Savalas yet! Wait, there he is. The train stops in Mother Russia and Telly's russian army boards to see what the hell is going on on this train. What they find is utter mayhem!
OK, it's one thing that the beast-thing thaws out and comes back to life but the real explanation is completely beyond belief! It's like, how many genres can we fit into this film? Still, it's far from a waste of time. With Lee's overacting and Cushing arrogant disregard for what is happening, it's the perfect set-up for bully Savalas to come in and "save the day". Or, at least try... XXX
Horror Hotel a.k.a. The City of the Dead 1960 Vulcan Productions
Director: John Llewellyn Moxey
Starring: Christopher Lee
Nan is a perky blonde college student, studying witchcraft. Unbeknownst to her brother, Dick, she has decided to ditch him for summer vacation and go to New England- to look for lost documents of the witch trials. Her helpful professor, Driscoll (Lee), draws her a nice map to a place called Whitewood and hooks her up with a stay at the luxurious Raven's Inn. Hello! Raven's Inn?
On a dark and foggy night, she sets out to Whitewood stopping along the way to ask for directions and pick up a hitchhiker... A vanishing hitchhiker! She finds the hotel, checks in and sets about exploring the little town. She stops at an antiques store where the reverend's daughter loans her a book on devil worship.
As Nan reads, she hears music and curious to find the source she eventually opens the trap door in her room- despite the fact that the witchy hostess told her there was "nothing but earth" under there. In the cellar, Nan is abducted by hooded occultists and whisked away to the sacrificial altar. Two weeks later, Dick is wondering where the fuck his sister is! After a chance meeting with the reverend's daughter, he heads to Whitewood to find out.
There, he finds it the eve of the Witch's Sabbath and another young girl is to be sacrificed. Turns out his sis was the Candlemass sacrifice and this all happens to keep our 268 year-old witch alive... And running her hotel. Next the hooded witches kidnap the reverend's daughter and poor Dick must find her before she is bled out. Maybe Jesus will save us!
The atmosphere in this flick is fantastic- a creepy set and ample use of the old fog machine! Good story, food acting and strange characters lurking in the shadows. All very good indeed... Until the end. I don't want to ruin it for you but I'm sure every god-fearing christian secretly wishes they could affect this effect on their heathen non-christian neighbors! Unfortunately, it is just laughable in the movie... XXX
Horror Rises from the Tomb 1972 Profilmes S.A.
Director: Carlos Aured
Back in 15-something-or-other, a satanic french knight and his mistress are brutally executed on the shores of a lake. She is tortured and killed, while he is beheaded, his head and body buried in different locations... but not before he curses his executors and all their descendants! Roll credits, and it's 1972. Rich guy Hugo has come to fetch his artist friend, Maurice- who has been troubled of late with a haunting vision of a man with dark eyes. They join up with Hugo's girl Sylvia and Paula, who is Maurice's long-distance love from Germany.
Over glasses of Richard, they decide to take part in a séance with another couple, Maurice the lone hold-out. At the séance, the dead knight speaks to them and reaffirms the curse. The festivities end with Hugo nearly getting clocked by a candelabra! Ever the skeptic, he tries to figure out the tricks but eventually decides they should all go to his ancestral home in the country, the very resting place of the knight! (There's rumored treasure on those lands...)
After a brief abduction and rescue by rival gangs, they make it to the chalet and next morning, they start digging with the aid of some shady character the caretaker hired from the village. Maurice is drawn to the "treasure" with his sensitivity and they unearth a small chest. During the night, however, the shady villagers return and steal the chest, killing the caretaker in the process. The chest is taken to the tomb where the head it contains is reunited with the body of the knight and he and his mistress are resurrected!
First order of business, kill the guy who brought you back to life. Then go up to the house and kill one of the caretaker's hot daughters. Soon, Paula and Maurice are both under the knight's spell. Meanwhile, behind Sylvia's back, Hugo "consoles" the other daughter of the caretaker, Elvira. This turns out to be good timing as Sylvia is the next victim. Hugo and Elvira find themselves alone in the chalet, with only an old necklace from the well to protect them.
The prior victims return, as zombies, but Hugo fights them off. Then Maurice returns, seemingly normal. He and Hugo go down to the lake, where Maurice picks up the shotgun and dispatches Hugo, who laughably falls onto a tree stump to die!! One touch of the necklace and Maurice is his old self. He and Elvira team up to kill the knight and send him back to the other side and it's a pretty far-fetched but exciting ending (only one of them makes it out alive)!
A pretty interesting film. Atmospheric and european, yet surprisingly modest for eurotrash. It may have been made specifically for the american market, or at least edited for american consumption. Cheesy, overwrought and some of the brightest red blood I've ever seen in a movie! I'll say XXX on this one.
Horrors of Spider Island 1959 Pacemaker Pictures
Director: Fritz Bottger
Black screen, awful 50's strip-club jazz... for so long I thought the DVD was defective. Then comes the title. Who knows what that was about? OK, a bunch of girls are auditioning for a grand new chorus, in Singapore. There are dancers, showgirls, a ballerina, even a stripper. With his secret "foot signal", the big shot producer Gary picks his chorus line and they're off! Gary is the macho Clark Gable type, all man. Each of the girls is a pathetic stereotype- there's "the southern belle", "the tough city chick", "the shy girl" and don't forget "the slut".
The plane takes off and somewhere over the Pacific, the right engine catches fire. Cut to stock footage of a war plane(!) going down in flames. This is intermixed with close-ups of the girls doing their best nail-biting screams, to great comic effect! The plane slams into the ocean in an explosion of fire and steam. Couldn't have been a piece larger than a dinner plate left and yet Gary and all the girls wake up on the beach of a lovely tropic isle. After frolicking in the water, they find a cabin and inside (horror!!) a dead professor in a great big spider web.
Things go from bad to worse, with Gary inexplicably going for a walk in the dark and being bitten by one of the laughable puppet spiders. This somehow turns him into some sort of snaggle-toothed werewolf! I'm just scratching my head now... Anyways, the slutty girl get killed by Wolfman Gary and the tension builds as they all wonder who is next. That is until these two guys, Joe and Bobby, show up with supplies for the professor. It turns into a big party. Bobby nails Gladys on the beach and then proceeds to swing dance and make-out with all the girls. Joe, however, is smitten by "good-girl" Ann.
Their little party though, is cut short by Wolfman Gary. He strangles Bobby, then chucks Gladys off a cliff and finally shows up at the cabin where Joe finds that he is afraid of flares. Each girl grabs a flare and they chase Wolfman Gary into the swamp(?), where he drowns in quicksand! The boat shows up and the remaining girls are saved. Honestly, I was surprised there wasn't a spider on the boat. It would've been the perfect cheesy ending for this perfectly cheesy movie.
Terrible music, terrible acting, terrible dialog, bad effects and make-up. Other than a few unintended laughs, a real piece of crap! X
Hot Rod Girl 1956 Nacirema Productions
Director: Leslie H. Martinson
Starring: TV's Rifleman, Chuck Connors and a young Frank Gorshin
Connors plays a square-jawed but soft-hearted detective named Ben who, in an effort to keep the town's hot rod hoodlums off the streets, steers them toward a city sponsored drag strip. His mechanic friend Jeff runs the strip, fixing up the kids' cars between shifts at the local garage. Jeff girl, Lisa, is the hottest chick racer on the track in her souped-up T-Bird. All fun and games!
But when a tragic street racing accident claims the life of Jeff's little brother, Jeff withdraws in to his work at the garage and alienates himself from his girl, the strip and racing in general. While the rest of the gang gets on with the day-to-day, a new guy comes to town- a real tough guy, with a real fast ride.
After Jeff won't mess with the guy, Flat Top (Gorshin) steps up and takes the tough guy's challenge to a game of chicken. Sure enough, Ben the dick finds out about the chicken race and tries to get the kids to 'fess up. No one is having it. Jeff takes a ride home with Lisa and they get back together. One day, on a ride through the canyon, they are encountered by Mr- Tough Guy himself. While trying to evade him they swerve off the road and a young boy on a bicycle is killed.
Jeff is carted off to jail, while Lisa lays in the hospital, and the tough guy says it's Jeff that hit the kid. Ben has his doubts and neither Lisa nor Jeff remember what happened. So, Ben gets all CSI on the case, examining skid marks at the scene and paint from the tough guy's vehicle against paint on the kid's bike. But can Ben pin it on the guy? Or will that bottle over the head do him in?
This is your typical juvenile delinquent type movie- with jive-talkin' kids, a local malt bar called Yo-Yo's, fast cars, etc. Gorshin shines as the mouthy (but good) kid, Flat Top. The tough guy, is a total chliché, leather jacket and all, and Connors is as stiff as rigor mortis. I don't think his mouth even moved when he talked! This hot rod flick is middle of the road. XX
Hotel 2001 Hotel Productions
Director: Mike Figgis
Starring: Saffron Burrows (as if we know who she is!), Salma Hayek, Lucy Liu, Burt Reynolds(!), Julian Sands and Ross- from Friends(?), and a bunch of italian actresses- known and unknown, but mostly easy on the eyes!
If I were to do a one-line review on this, it would be: "An all-star what the fuck?" From what I can figure, a film crew assembles in Venice to film an artsy and pretentious movie about the Duchess of Maulfy (sp?). There's the limey director, the perverted old producer who likes his milk "dipped" shall we say, a camera crew and an assortment of american and italian actors and actresses. There is also Salma Hayek as a very annoying journalist(?) making a documentary of the film's making. I just about turned it off due to the dizzying hand-held camera work!
They are all staying at a strange old hotel, with even stranger help- A swarthy butler, a sexy maid and a guy who looks like a cross between Tom Waits and John Doe. Anyway, first day of inside shooting and the butler shoots the director with an automatic (silenced of course). The cast and crew go about their business as he lies bleeding on the floor. In split screen sequences, we see various sexual goings on in the hotel. The nurse and one of the actresses, the producer's wife and the butler, the producer's kinky secretary? and some guy...
Finally someone realizes that our limey director is not just laying there thinking and he's taken to the infirmary for care. The doc tells all how the bullet went up the spine and back out the same hole(?!) and sets him up with a 'round the clock watch. Ross, who I assume was cinematographer, takes over directorial duties and filming resumes. The weirdness of the filming is mixed with general weirdness, sometimes 4 up on the screen but by now it is evident that guests are being snatched up and taken to the cellar, presumably becoming the next guests' meals. Salma however, wanders in there on her own and videotapes her own demise.
I won't ruin the ending for you but the sexy maid (a Valentina Cervi) uses her healing sexual powers and Ross wanders off to the cellar. The cast and crew are lined up like The Last Supper as he passes by to the kitchen. Cut to an interview with the director and Lucy Liu, who earlier fought with Salma over who's the better reporter? Like I said: What the fuck? In the end it was all a worthwhile, entertaining, confusing mess and I did get used to the always-moving cameras. Don't be tricked into thinking you'll figure it out next time you watch, just enjoy it for what it is- Insane! XXXXX
The House by the Edge of the Park 1980 Franco Palaggi e Franco de Nunzio
Director: Ruggero Deodato
Wow! A seemingly euro-trash 70's style thriller, but in english, set in the last days of disco! Begins with the testosterone abundant Alex driving in his red-hot Mustang. He spots a sassy short-haired chick, driving alongside him and cuts her off in a remote location (of New York City?), where he rapes her in the back seat of her own car. Cut to opening credits in italian, then we're back to Alex and his dorky pal Ricky getting ready to go out on the town. Alex dons his best yellow vest and sport coat over black and Ricky a 3 sizes too small leather jacket with shoulder pads like the fins of a '59 Caddy!
Now, apparently, Alex runs a garage but I'm unclear on whether it's a parking garage or a mechanic's garage. This young couple, we'll call "Derek" and "Twiggy" since their names didn't jump out at me, arrives and the guy offers Alex some money to look at his car. This leads to Alex and his friend being invited to join the couple at a party. They all pile in the couple's car, now fixed by Ricky, and head off to a palatial, modern pad- I guess by a park, though you never really see the park(?). There they find another young couple, Howard and Gloria, and Glenda- a sleek, sexy, bald black chick.
Things start off well enough and everyone is having a good time, dancing and drinking. Ricky even does a little strip-tease, to everyone's amusement but Alex's. Alex tries to score with Twiggy a couple of times, even joining her in the shower, but Twiggy is a prick-tease bitch and she shuts him down repeatedly. Things take a turn for the worse when the already frustrated Alex spots Derek and Howard fleecing the dork in a poker game. He holds the group off with a razor, and tells the dork to have his way with any girl of his choice. As Ricky tears the red satin off Gloria, Howard tries to intervene and gets his ass beat by Alex.
Tired of screwing around, Alex follows Twiggy upstairs and has his way with her (if it was a rape, it was the most tender I've seen!). Derek endures a severe beating by Alex, Glenda is threatened and partially disrobed, then a knock at the door! It's Cindy, and Gloria makes a run for it. Alex sends Ricky to find her, while he takes delight in the virginal Cindy. We cut back and forth between Alex undressing Cindy and Gloria seducing Ricky.
They return to the house, Ricky now remorseful and on the side of the victims. He confronts Alex as he tortures Cindy with the razor and is slashed in the gut. In the only time Alex shows any concern for anyone but himself, he holds the bleeding Ricky in his arms. The tables have turned, but I won't ruin for you...
Suspenseful, well-acted and lots of T & A, as well as full frontal bush... and I do mean BUSH. You don't see fur like that anymore!! XXXX
House of 1000 Corpses 2002 Lion's Gate Films
Director: Rob Zombie
Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Mosely, Sherri Moon (Mrs- Zombie to you) and Karen Black!
Equal parts Spider Baby, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Motel Hell and all Rob Zombie. We start with two couples, on a cross-country road trip, documenting unusual roadside attractions. They find a doozy in Captain Spaulding's- a combination side-show museum, gas station and fried chicken eatery- which is run by the demented clown, Spaulding (Haig).
Teens being curious, they pester the clown for the directions to a local haunting and site of the notorious Doctor Satan. In good horror fashion, it is a dark and rainy night and the car "breaks down". What the kids stumble into is a glorious ride through hell, in the grips of a gleefully murderous family.
What starts as merely weird- a halloween stage show, featuring Grandpa's crass humor and Baby (Moon) lip-synching Betty Boop, turns to violence when the teens' car is fixed and Otis (Mosely) and Tiny ambush them as they try to leave the festivities.
They are returned to finish out the halloween party, in all it's goreyness! The fun is briefly interrupted by the local police, investigating on behalf of the father of one of the teens. Mother Firefly (Black) charms the lead lawman until the father and the inept deputy find a shed full of bloodied victims. All hell breaks loose and it just gets wilder from there!!
Visually stunning, edge-of -your-seat suspense and campiness that is long lost (and missed by us veterans!) in the horror genre. The split screens really add to the nostalgic feel of the film and the montage segways are pure horror fantasy! XXXXX all the way!
House of Dark Shadows 1970 MGM Pictures
Director: Dan Curtis
A feature film continuation of the cult '60s soap opera Dark Shadows! We start with Maggie and David playing in the old house, where vampire Barnabus Collins has been chained up for 200 years. He was chained by his father, "for his own protection", after his bride to be turned up dead under mysterious circumstances. Well, Barnabus finally breaks his chains and this vampire strangles people!
The Collins family still lives in Maine, in what must be a newer wing of the mansion. I don't know. When "cousin Barabus" from England comes to visit, they are all delighted (at first anyway...). Cousin Carolyn gets the bite first but then Barnabus find Maggie, who is the spitting image of Josette- his long lost love! Carolyn is jealous and tries to stop Barnabus, only to be beaten down.
Cousin Julia has been working, over the years, on an anti-vampire serum. Don't ask why, just go along, OK? Anyway, when she sees (or doesn't see) that Barnabus casts no reflection in her compact, she goes to Barnabus and offers him the cure. She loves him and she wants to help! Barnabus accepts and the treatments begin. Barnabus sees the sunlight for the first time in 200 years! He begins his seduction of Maggie.
When Julia finds out Barnabus is in love with Maggie, she comes undone. Instead of the usual injection, she shoots Barnabus up with a serum that ages him 200 years! Only Maggie's blood will save him and the family is on to him. Can he get Maggie to the altar and fulfill his dream before Jeff and the others track them down with their silver bullets? Funny, I always thought silver bullets were for werewolves...
Despite the fact that it plays somewhere between a romance novel and a vampire tale, it's actually pretty good. The sets and the costumes are fantastic and it all sets an overall mood that is perfect for a rich family with vampire lineage! XXXX
House of Frankenstein 1944 Universal Pictures
Director: Erle C. Kenton
Starring: Boris Karloff, John Carradine and Lon Chaney, Jr.
Karloff is back, only this time he is the mad doctor... Niemann, specifically. He and his hunchback side-kick, Daniel, break out of prison and assume the roles of the curators of a traveling wagon of horrors. Niemann, out for revenge on those who jailed him, finds the first in a village near the prison. There he pulls the stake out of the skeleton of his star feature, the corpse of Count Dracula (Carradine), and sends him to kill the man!
Next, it's the village of Frankenstein, where in search of Henry Frankenstein's journals, they discover the frozen bodies of the Frankenstein monster and the wolf man. Niemann instructs Daniel to build a bonfire to thaw the monsters, in hopes they can lead him to the journal. It works, and Larry Talbot (Chaney) himself leads the doc to the papers, with the promise the doctor can cure his lycanthropy. But we've already seen the doc double cross Dracula...
Daniel falls for a gypsy girl (get it? Hunchback falls for gypsy...) and they take her along to Niemann's home, with Larry and the monster. Along the way, of course, the girl falls for Talbot so naturally Daniel pleads with Niemann to put his brain in Talbot's body. The doctor has his own agenda though, to cure the monster- leaving Talbot and Daniel to their own personal curses. For a little while anyhow...
Much better than it's 1942 predecessor, this movie is a good blend of the old school horror and the cheesy monster films yet to come, in the '50s and '60s. Though not as gleefully mad as Colin Clive, Karloff is a very menacing mad scientist. Carradine is no Bela Lugosi either, but he does give some good crazy eyes. If you don't take it too seriously, this is a great sequel! XXXX
House of Wax 1953 Warner Brothers Pictures
Director: Andre de Toth
Starring: Vincent Price and Carolyn Jones (Yes, that Carolyn Jones), oh and don't forget Charles Bronson!
So, this time around, Vincent Price is the amicable Henry Jarrod- wax sculptor extraordinaire. When he refuses to cash in on the popularity of the macabre, his business partner (and bank roll) decides to take matters into his own hands, first offering Jarrod half the fire insurance then knocking him out and burning the place to the ground. Jarrrod is presumably consumed in flames.
Soon enough, people start dying. First, the business partner... Hanged hisself in the elevator shaft. Then his girl, the ditzy blonde Kathy (Jones) get whacked. Pretty Sue witnesses this killing and sees the horrible face of the killer, hideously deformed and grey. Now the killer is after her, chasing her through the streets and when she escapes, luring her quite trickily.
At the brand new House of Wax, patrons are awed by the gruesome exhibits, clearly the most realistic and graphic in town. The curator, a wheelchair bound Jarrod, is a new celebrity. But Sue suspects something is amiss and you know, Joan of Arc does look a lot like her old roommate Kathy. It's uncanny... Or maybe not.
A little grandiose and drawn out, but mostly entertaining and there is some suspense along the way. Price is his usual pompous self, Bronson flexes his muscles but Jones is completely unrecognizable as Kathy. She's blonde, animated and chipper... Nothing like Morticia Addams. Very impressive! The movie? Somewhat impressive. XXX
House on Haunted Hill 1958 William Castle Productions
Director: William Castle
Starring: Vincent Price
An eccentric, and jealous, rich guy (Price) throws a party in a posh mansion- or is it his scheming wife who throws the party? I dunno. Either way, five guests are invited and each is offered ten grand if they decide to stay. See, at midnight the doors lock and no one gets out until morning! You got all the regulars: A tough guy test pilot, a sexy but feeble brunette, a bitchy gossip columnist, the older guy and the guy who knows the mansion's evil history and tries to drink it away.
Well, before our spooked brunette can bolt for the door, they find themselves already locked in. Oh no! Ghosts, witches, dancing skeletons, an acid bath in the basement- that's right all the good haunted house stuff. But are they real or is our host and/or his wife up to something? And who's doing what to who, and for chrissakes, why? For those who are left come morning, I guess they'll find out!
Price is his usual delightfully sinister self in this mediocre tale of suspense and mystery. But the real mystery is: Why does this thoroughly modern "mansion" right out of the Eisenhower '50s have the insides of a 19th century victorian? Can anyone solve that riddle?? XXX and that last X is for the extra cheese.
The House that Cried Murder a.k.a. The Bride 1973 Golden Gate Productions
Director: Jean-Marie Pélissié
Rich girl Barbara meets the man of her dreams in David, one of her father's employees. After showing him her pride and joy, that is the house she designed and built herself, they decide to wed. Her father is against it... Something about that David, he says, but reluctantly goes along. At the wedding party, his suspicions are confirmed when Barbara finds David upstairs with his old flame, Ellen.
After stabbing him in the arm, she disappears. David is left with Ellen and some bad memories. Because he rakes in the big bucks, the old man forgives him and he and Ellen settle in together... Except for the phone calls. And maybe the wedding dress left on the front porch. OK, things are definitely not OK! They are certain Barbara is harassing them.
Nightmares turn to reality when Ellen finds blood in the bed and a skull hanging over a wedding dress. The phone rings and she tells the lady she is outta there! See ya!! David comes home and where's Ellen? She's nowhere to be found. And there is blood on the bed, hair in the sink and a wedding dress at the top of the stairs! The phone rings and the caller tells David to check Barbara's house.
Off he goes (I don't know why he didn't check there before...) and once there, he breaks in. But he doesn't find Barbara just yet, he finds his boss. That's right... Her old man! He wants to show David something and I can't tell you what it is. But it's something crazy and what happens next is even more crazy. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!!!
It's got that dull kind of color that might as well be black and white, you know... Like an old nature film. Other than that, this is pretty good. A great cast of people I've never heard of, a taught story with some good, old fashioned psychological suspense. Maybe it's a little long and we would like to see more action, I don't know. Let's just say it's not bad... XXX
The Hunchback of Notre Dame 1923 Universal Pictures
Director: Wallace Worsley II
Starring: Lon Chaney
My guess is that you all know the story, but here goes anyway: The hunchback Quasimodo (Chaney), slave of the dirty and underhanded brother of the archdeacon, is the main bell-ringer at the cathedral and despised by all. Said dirty brother and the newly appointed captain of royal guards are vying for the affections of the same woman, the beautiful gypsy girl Esmerelda.
The captain of the guards woos her the old fashioned way, you know... with ridiculous chivalry which can now only be found in romance novels, while the deacon's creepy brother resorts to trying to force her to marry him. He even has Quasimodo try to kidnap her, standing in the shadows as the hunchback is hauled off to jail and eventually receives a whippin' for his crime. Her adoptive father meanwhile is plotting to overthrow the government, with his army of skid row bums!
It all comes to a head when the creepy brother stabs the captain in the back and Esmerelda is accused of the crime. She is sentanced to death by the king and as she does her last penance on the steps of the cathedral, Quasimodo sees her and remembering that she was once kind to him he rescues her. Her "father" gets word of her plight and storms the cathedral. Quasimodo must fend off the army of vagrants until the royal guard arrives to save the day. Our swashbuckling captain, all healed and ready for action, finds Esmerelda and they live happily ever after, while everyone else dies!
Not as atmospheric and weird, nor as good as say The Cabinet of Dr- Caligari and definitely still overly complicated and long (blame Hugo, not the director!). Chaney's make up effects, though now dated, were brilliant for the time. The acting, as in most silent pictures, is way over the top stage hamming and is very comical at times. It's worth a see just for historical value but once is enough. XXX