The Gamma People 1955 Warwick Film Productions
Director: John Gilling
A tough-guy american reporter and a pansy brit are on a train to Salzburg when the coupling breaks and some smart-ass kids switch the rail, sending them to Gudavia. What otherwise looks like some german country village, complete with jolly bergermeister, is really not as simple as it looks. The streets are mostly empty, the people closed off and wary.
At the hotel though, our friends find an exceptionally talented girl pianist and an equally evil boy. They also learn of a chap named Dr- Boronski, who seems to control every aspect of life in Gudavia, the bergermeister simply his puppet. But it's much worse than that... The doctor is experimenting on the children with gamma rays, turning them to geniuses- but occasionally things go wrong and the kid comes out more like a zombie!
Boronski trains these zombie-like ghouls as his personal army. Along the way, the two lost chaps start to get keen on this doctor, whom the reporter knows well from his previous "experiments" in America. But will they ever get out of this god-forsaken place? And what about that stern brunette the doc has working for him, is she loyal to the doc or looking to get out?
The characters may be stereotypical but the story overcomes the flaws of the era, namely stiff acting and not-so-scientific science. It's creepy and truly suspenseful. Much better than I expected and quite likely the inspiration for later films, like Village of the Damned. XXXX
Garden of the Dead 1978 Entertainment Pyramid
Director: John Hayes
This gem takes place in a prison work camp, ruled over by a particularly callous warden. There is the good-guy prisoner John, whose girlfriend visits everyday (how sweet) and a gang of surly, formaldehyde sniffing cons who plot an elaborate escape, tunneling their way out to freedom. But not before their leader stabs John in the gut. Their freedom is cut short though, when the dumb-ass with the shotgun trips on a rock and fires a round into the still night air. The warden calls out the guards and they quickly track down the escapees, in their flatbed truck. There's a short chase and a lucky shot takes out the driver. Convicts and 55 gallon drums fly everywhere! The guards gun down each and every convict there in the woods.
Back at her trailer court, John's girl is worrying in her landlord's trailer when the resurrected convicts attack! She watches in horror as the zombies kill her landlords, being sure to scream loudly so they don't miss her. The zombies surround the motor home and she barely gets the thing rolling, to make her getaway. She makes a bee-line to the prison camp to find her man. Of course the dead convicts follow and penetrate the flimsy wire fence to the camp. First, they take a break to sniff more chemicals and bathe in formaldehyde. Then they start their assault on the guards. One zombie opens all the hoods to the vehicles and then takes a pick-axe to the engines... hilarious!!
A few more guards get killed before they figure out that the zombies are mesmerized by the girl. So, using her as "bait" they lure the zombies over for a shotgun showdown. Apparently only spotlights and shotguns can kill zombies, so remember that!
Better than most of Troma's library and right on par with George Romero's Living Dead sequels. XXX
Gas-s-s-s a.k.a. Gas! or It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It 1971 San Jacinto Productions
Director: Roger Corman (Really?)
Starring: Talia Shire (yes, from Rocky and The Godfather), Ben Vereen, Cindy Williams (yes, Shirley from Laverne and Shirley!) and Bud Cort! (yes, right in-between Brewster McCloud and Harold and Maude)
A mysterious gas is accidentally released upon the world and it kills everyone over 25, leaving the younger crowd to fend for themselves. A couple of hippies on a college campus in texas break free of the regime set up by the student leadership and hit the road. Along the way they team up with a pregnant girl (Williams) her black BF (Vereen) and 2 other renengades.
All team up for safety and head to a magical, mystical pueblo they heard about. They encounter all sorts of trouble along the way, A gang of football players (complete with cheerleaders and marching band), a biker gang, a Country Joe and the Fish concert and a would be rape, if our hippie friend wasn't so willing.
The make it to the pueblo, to find they peaceful hippie utopia they had dreamed of all through college, where everyone pitches in and does their part. But the peace is about to be shaken, as the mad football players happen upon the pueblo. Now they must decide whether to pick up arms and fight, or do the hippie thing and reason with the enemy...
Though this one was funny by design, some of it may have been accidentally funny- for instance, the hippie era was two years gone by the time this movie came out. It's a pretty good glimpse at what young people may have resorted to in such a situation, except for the fact that young children are nearly forgotten and Shirley never does have her baby. Mostly, it's just fun and games, and hippie dreams... XX
Gaslight 1944 British National Films
Director: Thorold Dickinson
I almost didn't review this one as it was a rather serious picture but since it was the precursor to 1944's Hollywood remake- with Ingrid Bergman, Joseph Cotton, Angela Lansbury, etc., I'll give it the cult status.
An elderly woman is murdered in her home, by a burglar hell bent on finding something (rubies, we find out later...) as he rips the place apart. Twenty years later a middle aged bloke and his fragile wife move in to old #12- or at least the bottom floors. The top wo have been sealed off for some mysterious reason.
We soon begin to wonder whether Mrs- Mallen is really crazy or if Mr- Mallen is trying to drive her crazy! But why would he wnat to do that? Perhaps to get her out of the picture and secure her riches? Perhaps so he can bang the maid? Ah, he does that anyway... It's something more and a retired detective (maybe reporter?) is about to show Mrs- Mallen the truth about the house and about her husband!
I can see why MGM felt they needed to americanize this one- a real sit on the edge of you seat type of affair. I mean, it was clear Mr- Mallen was up to no good but the truth came out and then I didn't know what was going to happen. I may have done the ending a little different but, all in all, this was a very good little psychological thriller! I somehow doubt the MGM version could top it. XXXX
Ghidrah the Three Headed Monster 1964 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Inoshiro Honda
Reports of space aliens and a coup d'etat collide, when a princess en route to Tokyo in a bomb laden plane is whisked out the side hatch, by voices from a U. F. O. When a girl who looks a lot like the princess shows up in Japan, saying she is from Mars and warning of great calamities, the men who planned the coup are not so sure they succeeded.
The thugs head to Tokyo to make sure the job is done, while the girl's prophecies start to bear fruit- Rodan awakens from a volcano and Godzilla from the sea. They meet up and start kicking each others' asses. But the girl has more dire warnings, of a three headed monster from Mars... And it's coming this way!
When our japanese friends and the little twins from Infant Island are not fighting off the mobsterish thugs, they are trying to unravel the mystery of the "woman from Mars". Suddenly Ghidrah turns up and starts blasting the hell out of everything with three headed lightning breath! The twins call out Mothra, Jr. (who is still just a caterpillar), to try and convince Godzilla and Rodan to help him get Ghidrah. Boy, they better hurry...
A very good chapter in the Godzilla saga. More hilarious monster fights and the "summit" between Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra, Jr., translated by the twins, is classic (funny, they speak "monster")! And note that the caterpillar has a hard time stopping the two fighting until he sprays them with his cocoon web! This one's a cut above. XXXX
The Ghost a.k.a. Lo spettro 1963 Panda
Director: Riccardo Freda
Starring: Barbara Steele
A paraplegic doctor named (conveniently) Hichcock is working with another doctor, Livingston, on a cure for his condition. That is, between bouts of suicidal drama, befitting a soap opera. The cure consists of injections of a strong poison, followed by an oral dose of the antidote. Now I'm no doctor but if a poison is killing you, I don't think an oral antidote is going to react immediately and save you but nonetheless it works in the movies!
Unbeknownst to Doc Hichcock, Doc Livingston is boning Mrs- Hichcock (Steele, so I don't blame him!). He's in fact mad for her, but she can no longer tolerate her cripple husband and his dramatic outbursts. She uses her Barbara Steele wiles to convince Livingston to kill her husband. Oddly, when this happens, Doc Hichcock is no longer suicidal and begs for his life. (Is there a director's cut which explains this sudden change of demeanor?)
Just as Livingston and Margaret (Hichcock, that is...) are settling into their new life together, under the suspicious eye of the housekeeper, they find all the dead doc's money has disappeared. They have the house, the furniture and it seems a new visitor (see title). Yes, the ghost of her dead husband is back from the grave and out for vengeance! But who will get it in the end?
This is basically a two hour soap opera mystery thriller, complete with a truly awful score. While it does have a fine plot twist (or two) at the end, it is mostly overdramatic and jumps inexplicably at times, not to mention the print from which it was transferred was scratched and terribly spliced. The film's one saving grace... Barbara Steele. Her portrayal of Margaret Hichcock, both icy and fragile, shows why she became the legend she is. XXX
The Ghost of Frankenstein 1942 Universal Pictures
Director: Erle C. Kenton
Starring: Lon Chaney and Bela Lugosi
Ygor (Lugosi) didn't die after all and the angry villagers find him atop Frankenstein castle, as they load the place with dynamite and blow it to smithereens! That doesn't kill him either and what does he find in the dried sulfur pit below? The monster himself, only this time it's Lon Chaney (Junior, that is...). He's a little pasty but no worse for the wear. Ygor leads him around with his magical horn.
After being chased out of town, Ygor seeks out Wolf Frankenstein's younger brother, a prominent psychiatrist in a nearby town. After the monster kills Frankenstein's friend and befriends a little girl, Ygor convinces Frankenstein to transplant the monster's brain. Frankenstein recruits a brain surgeon named Bohmer. Ygor wants his brain in the monster, Frankenstein wants his dead friend in there and the monster himself... He wants the little girl's brain!
Bohmer sides with Ygor and tricks Frankenstein but no matter, a new town's folk are standing at the gates with torches. The town constable (also Frankenstein's daughter's man) tries to intervene but when he takes too long figuring out who the monster really is, the mob crashes in. Then it's mayhem and poison gas and on and on...
We're really grasping here. Lon Chaney, who was great in The Wolf Man, is not great as the monster... Just a stiff-legged ghoul staggering through the film. None of that Chaney charm in this role. The story is much too slow and by the end, I just didn't care. X
The Ghoul 1933 Gaumont British Picture Corp.
Director: T. Hayes Hunter
Starring: Boris Karloff and Cedric Hardwicke
Karloff stars as Dr- Henry Morlant, an egyptologist, who has found the secret to eternal life- a rare jewel. A dying man, he orders his assistant to tape the stone to his hand and warns that should the stone be taken, he will rise from the grave not as a healthy man but as a ghoul! (Hence title.)
Sure as shit, the greedy assistant snatches the jewel from the dead man's hand and is quickly pursued by other greedy grave-robbing sorts who want to get their grubby hands on the jewel. Ah... But in the midst of this quest for the jewel, Boris does rise from the grave and he doesn't look so good. In fact, he looks like the inspiration for Lurch! And boy is he pissed!!
Now everyone, including the Boris, is looking for the stone- only Boris is killing everyone else in his quest! And the poor assistant knows it. Will Boris get his jewel back and live happily ever after? Or will one of the shady characters hovering about get it and make off with it? Or will we ever really know?
This one is about as good as any Bela Lugosi or Universal picture from the era. Sure, they overact, but it was 1933 after all. Monster or not, the story has plenty of suspense and it is sufficiently dark. XXX
The Giant Gila Monster 1959 Hollywood Picture Corporation
Director: Ray Kellogg
In a small town full of hot-rodders, a couple of the hot-rod kids are killed by some unseen entity- pushed off a cliff in their car! Unfortunately for the sheriff, the boy is the son of rich SOB oilman, Wheeler. Wheeler threatens the sheriff that he better find his boy or else he'll rip the badge right off his chest. Real inspiring...
While the ornery oilman thinks the culprit behind his son's disappearance is mechanic and part-time musician Chase Winstead, the sheriff knows Chase is just the guy to help find the missing kids. Meanwhile, a couple more wrecks have been found- all with the same strange clues. Sure enough, Chase, his french girlfriend and their hot-rod friends find Wheeler's son's car... Empty, just like the rest.
About this time, Chase finds a drunk guy plowed into a tree. He tows the drunk to the garage to sleep it off and fix his car. The drunk turns out to be "Steamroller" Smith, famous local DJ (played by a famous local DJ!). Chase recruits Smith to DJ at their sock-hop-barn-dance. Wheeler recruits the sheriff to arrest Chase and they arrive at the barn in time to here Chase sign a god-awful hymn (again!).
Hold the phone! The lizard is here and he's hungry!! The sheriff deputizes Wheeler to get him to shut up and he goes after the lizard. Now Chase remembers he has some nitro glycerin back at the garage(!). That should take care of that pesky critter!
Sure, all the characters are complete stereotypes but the story is pretty solid and fast-paced enough to hold your attention. Could've done without the crippled sister side-story and the related Jesus singin', but the lizard effects are great! This is a good one. XXXX
The Giant Spider Invasion 1975 Cinema Group 75
Director: Bill Rebane
Starring: Barbara Hale (yes, from Perry Mason) and Alan Hale, Jr. (no relation but yes, The Skipper!)
We are in redneckville, wisconsin(?), and this angry asshole is two-timing his alcoholic wife with some trailer trash chick down the road. One night he is just coming home from a "revival" and he and his drunk wife see a meteor come crashing to Earth. All the while, a manic tent preacher is going on about hellfire and damnation (is this supposed to make me want to go to church?).
Next morn, Angry and Alchy go looking for the meteor while her teenage daughter lounges around in short-shorts and a halter top (definitely drive-in!). What they find is a big hole in the ground and some odd round stones, which they gather and bring home. Wouldn't you know it, one of the "rocks" cracks open and it's full of diamonds! But they didn't see the large tarantula that crawled out before...
Angry takes the diamonds to his cousin who says they are "industrial grade", I suspect so he can rip off Angry. It doesn't really matter. Back at the farm, Alchy finds a three foot spider in the drawer, the house crawling with spiders and a 50' spider outside. By now, the Sheriff (Skipper) is trying to keep the townsfolk from going anarchist on us and Della Street (the other Hale and now a doctor) is figuring out all the bad science without Perry.
But how to kill a 50' spider? Well, really more of a 50' parade float, shaped like a spider, with mechanical arms. Note: The director was very careful to never show the bottom of the spider. This had all the hallmarks of a '70s "made for TV" feature, though it wasn't... Take it from wisconsin to the south pacific and it would make a great episode of Gilligan's Island! XXX
Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay 1971 Compagnie Française de Distribution Cinématographique
Director: Bruno Gantillon
After watching Amelie the other night, I was in the mood for another french picture. I found it in this dandy, Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay. Morgana, or Morgane to be more french, is apparently some queen of witches (from the box) who lures unsuspecting, foxy ladies to her fairy tale castle, with the lure of eternal youth.
So, here we have Anna and Françoise on a little road trip. They stop at an inn, which strangely has only male patrons, and uncomfortably sip mulled wine. The innkeeper warns them to avoid the village and turn back, but of course they press on and find themselves lost and out of petrol. Oh no, what will they do? Oh, there is a barn. We'll sleep in there. Which they do, after they make out a little...
Come morning, and Anna is nowhere to be found. Françoise searches frantically for her and a little gnome of a man leads her over the hills and through the woods to... Well it ain't meme's house! It's a the above mentioned fairy tale castle. A magical boat waits there to ferry her across the lake, where beautiful lesbians welcome her. And take her to their leader, Morgane.
Morgane takes a shine to Françoise and gives her the special tour and finally reunites her with Anna, who is now sufficiently brainwashed into their little "cult". Along the way, Françoise befriends a couple of dissidents and learns of the secret talismans that hold them all in captivity, in this unreal world. With the help of the little gnome and his redhead friend, she captures the talismans and escapes into the woods. But does she really want to go back to her real life or would she rather stay in lesbian paradise?
I know which I would pick! This is definitely typical of the genre, but good nonetheless. Not as good as a Jess Franco movie, but better than most of the american garbage of the era!! The costumes and sets are above par and director Bruno Gastillon gives his italian brothers a run for their money! Way to go Bruno!! XXX
Godzilla, King of the Monsters 1956 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Inoshiro Honda, Terry Morse
Starring: Perry Fucking Mason himself, Raymond Burr!
In the american version of the japanese horror sensation, Burr stars as Steve Martin (you heard me), an ace reporter on his way to Turkey. En route, he stops in Tokyo on personal business. There he witnesses news of a series of horrific shipwrecks and becomes embroiled in the mystery. He teams up with some scientists and takes a trip out to a remote island, where legends of monster still persist.
Before long, legends become life as Godzilla raises up from the sea and is spotted on the isle, before leaving for the mainland. Back in Tokyo, Steve and the scientists are horrified when the 400 foot lizard emerges from Tokyo harbor and thrashes the dock. Desperate to protect the rest of the city, the scientist decide to build an electric fence of high-tension power lines around Tokyo.
But the giant reptile breathes radioactive fire on the lines and everything else in his path, stomping through the city and crushing everything! By morning, Tokyo is a pile a smoking rubble and the scientists are desperate to stop Godzilla from coming ashore again. They turn to a one-eyed scientist, and former lover of our heroine, and plead with him to use his "oxygen eradicator" before the world is destroyed!
This is the beginning of it all- the first in a long line of Godzilla movies. It's a little more serious and dramatic than what followed and Burr adds to that sense of seriousness. I haven't seen the japanese Gojira so I have no comparison, but the "americanized" version does not come across as an obvious cut-job. It is in fact a brilliant piece of '50s horror cinema! XXXXX
Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster a.k.a. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla 1974 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Jun Fukuda
Bam, pow! We start off with a bang! A princess has a premonition of a monster and soon nearby miners discover a small statue, in a room filled with hieroglyphics- which also prophesize of monsters! Next thing you know, Godzilla shows up and is attacked by his friend Anguillas. What the...? Then he's off to stomp through an oil refinery. As Joe Bob would say, "Ooo-ee, that blowd up real good!"
Well, right before our friends' eyes, another Godzilla appears! But don't worry folks, it isn't long before the former sheds his skin and we realize he's a giant robot. This is one tough robot and he pretty much kicks Godzilla's ass. Meanwhile, our friends are trying to get the statue back to Okinawa to awake another monster, King Shisa (sp?) but aboard their fancy cruise liner, they are being followed.
After a thug thieves the statue, they find one of the shadows lurking about is actually on their side. He saves them but the statue goes overboard with the thug- or does it? Once on Okinawa, they proceed to get captured by the aliens (just like all their friends) while Godzilla and King Shisa team up on robot lizard. It's a hell of a fight!
These japanese aliens are a hoot! We've now gone from elf boots (Godzilla vs. Monster Zero), to giant cockroaches (Godzilla vs. Gigan), to this... Planet of the apes! That's right, once killed the humanoid aliens morph into strangely familiar ape-like creatures. And that's not all, no... There are more explosions in this movie than a human can count. Why, there are at least five before the opening credits! It's a good one. XXXX
Godzilla vs. Gigan 1972 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Jun Fukuda
A hapless comic artist (who we'll call Bobbie) stumbles into a design job at a new amusement park, run by a mysterious corporation. His first day at work, he runs into a girl who drops a tape and is hotly pursued by his new boss and his cronies. Bobbie picks up the tape and goes about his business. His boss tells him later in the day that the meddling girl is out to destroy peace!
Bobbie finds out otherwise when the girl and her hippy boyfriend jack him for the tape. They become friends (?) and up in their apartment, they give the tape a listen. Well, clear over on Monster Island, Godzilla and Anguillas hear the tape and they get pissed! Anguillas sets out for Japan but is driven back to sea by the army.
It also turns out that Bobbie's boss is holding his friend's brother hostage. To free him, he and the girl break into a life-size Godzilla replica, which Bobbie's boss is using as sort of a HQ. Of course they get busted and while captive they find out the true nature of the boss-man- giant cockroaches from another planet! Yes!! Unfortunately for Tokyo, these alien bugs have Ghidrah and Gigan under their control and are bent on world domination!
Godzilla and Anguillas show up and the fight is on! They fight and fight but ultimately, the goal is to lure Godzilla into the sights of the aliens' laser beam. After a daring escape, our friends must team with the hippies to save Godzilla before humankind is destroyed for the bug men to take over!
Toho moves into the '70s with more monsters, more fights and more fiery explosions- all of which makes for more fun! This not so Disney kid's stuff as Godzilla vs. Megalon but nor is it as good as its '60s predecessors, particularly Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. It's a middle range Toho feature and most notably Godzilla's first "talkie"... You have to hear it for yourself. XXX
Godzilla vs. Megalon 1973 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Jun Fukuda
A couple of guys are at the beach with (I presume) their son. After what seems an early attempt at product placement (the scary dolphin boat thing), something sinister rises up from the water and they are forced to set down their picnic and rescue junior. As they get back to their secret laboratory, they run into some rogues.
Later, as they finish building their fancy colored robot, said rogues bust into the lab and steal the robot, Jet Jaguar. So, these guys, they aren't regular thugs out to make a buck off scrap metal. They from Seatopia (seriously) and their leader, who is obsessed with Easter Island, is hell-bent on teaming Jet jaguar with the dread Megalon- for what else? World domination... Starting with Tokyo.
He raises Megalon from the depths and Jet leads him to start this thing! Except, our friends take control over Jet and turn him against Megalon. To counter this set back, Captain Seatopia calls up Gigan and they double-team the robot and they are pretty much kicking the bolts out of him when who shows up? Godzilla!! It's a steel cage match, with Godzilla and Jet in one corner and Gigan and Megalon in the other.
This may be the worst of the Toho franchise. It panders to the kiddies and there is not much for us grown adults to latch onto until the end, when the fighting begins. Then, of course, it's those great, gut busting fight scenes- the best her, when Godzilla rears back and sails across the landscape on his tail to kick Megalon in the stomach! You can't help but laugh out loud. Still it is a Godzilla movie and that makes it worthy of at least one X.
Godzilla vs. Monster Zero 1966 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Inoshiro Honda
Starring: Nick Adams!
Japanese scientist discover an extra planet (behind Jupiter), a "dark planet" never before seen. A rocketship is immediately dispatched to investigate the mysterious planet. They land, they plant a flag and are brought underground by a bunch of skinny aliens in Ray-Bans and elf boots(!). There they meet the Controller of Planet X- the big kahuna of skinny grey aliens.
He explains that the citizens of Planet X have been forced underground by the three headed terror, Ghidrah, whom they call Monster Zero. They ask the earthlings for their cooperation, to use Godzilla and Rodan to fight off King Ghidrah. Being fine earth citizens, they agree and are sent back home. There, they find the aliens have already come to earth.
From the depths of some lake they raise Godzilla, then using their finest laser beams they free Rodan from the mountainside. Our astronaut friends climb aboard the flying saucer and off they go to Planet X. They unleash the two monsters and set back to Earth with the promised booty- the cure for all diseases!
Upon their hero's welcome, however, they discover the tape instead contains a warning about the impending invasion of the saucer men. Lousy double-crossin' aliens! Sure enough, the aliens come back with all three monsters under their control and our scientists are faced with the biggest challenge of their lives.
Though not so serious as the original, this is the most fun. It has it all: Godzilla, Rodan, Ghidrah, the best alien space suits this side of Uranus, wobbly plastic flying saucers, a newspaper headline montage, Nick Adams, a Planet X (hanging from some fishing line)! Did I mention elf boots? Easily my favorite Godzilla movie! XXXXX
Godzilla vs. Mothra (a.k.a. Godzilla vs. the Thing) 1964 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Inoshiro Honda
A mighty typhoon blows into Japan and washes a monster-ous egg onto the beach. No sooner that the egg is spotted, a greedy businessman lays claim to it and makes plans to exploit the natural wonder. Soon thereafter, the little twins arrive and warn that the egg belongs to them and must be returned to Infant Island, or else!
As in Mothra, the businessman wants no part of this nonsense and forges ahead with his plans, securing some land to incubate the egg and charge spectators to see what happens. What happens though is Godzilla rises up from said land and starts his usual path of destruction. Again, they plead with the businessman to return the egg. Alas, it is to no avail...
So then they pack up and go ask the natives of Infant Isle to help- the same natives barely spared in Japan's nuclear tests there. The natives refuse them but then change their minds and send an aging Mothra to fight off Godzilla and save the egg. Mothra arrives, just as the lizard king is busting up the incubator and the fight is on.
Godzilla is gassed and Mothra dies, with his wing protecting the egg. Oh, no! What will we do?? The twins have an idea... Let's chant and hatch the egg! Back on Infant Island, the natives join in and soon the giant egg begins to crack, unleashing not one but two giant caterpillars! They take to the water, after Godzilla, but they must catch up before the prehistoric menace destroys the island and the children who are trapped there!
I got this one in widescreen, which was a nice touch. It's Godzilla so it's not bad. It's just not one of the best. A little slow paced and not enough of the humorous monster fights to keep you laughing. Fair to middlin'. XX
Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster 1966 Toho Co. Ltd.
Director: Jun Fukuda
Bear with me now, it's complicated... A couple of dance contest rejects team with a strange fellow in search of his brother, who was lost at sea. The three boys head to the beach, where they board a boat and are startled by her owner- who turns out to be a bank robber who was hiding in the boat! Got it? Good. All wake the next morning to find they are at sea, the boat being sailed by the strange fellow.
The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage... Well, this crew ends up stranded on an island. An island where sinister clandestine operations are afoot, in the form of some paramilitary base. The island itself is protected by a "sea monster" (giant lobster), which attacks any vessel sailing by, including the lost brother's. Our bad guys keep the lobster at bay with a yellow fruit juice, brewed by enslaved natives.
After a native girl escapes and teams up with our friends, they discover the horrifying truth about the base (atomic energy) and are discovered. The soldiers chase them into the jungle and eventually, into a cave. There they find a sleeping Godzilla. Meanwhile, on the girl's island, the natives try to wake Mothra to rescue their enslaved brothers and sisters.
Our friends get the same idea and decide to harness lightning to wake Godzilla. They succeed and the monster finds the lobster. After a hilarious tennis match with a boulder, Godzilla forces the lobster to sea with his fire breath. He then proceeds to trash the base and it's underground laboratory. On the way, he fights a rogue super-chicken and falls for our pretty native girl. The base is destroyed but will Mothra be able to rescue the natives in time? And what will become of Godzilla when the island self-destructs??
Another fine effort from Toho Studios and another where Godzilla is kind-of our friend. The highlight, of course, the above mentioned tennis match. That lobster really has a strong back-hand! Watch for him at Wimbledon next year. Altogether, this one is a little slow in spots and too long, but that doesn't mean it's bad. XXX
The Golem 1920 Projektion-AG Union
Director: Carl Boese, Paul Wegener
A mad old rabbi, who dabbles in black magic, finds he and the rest of the jews in town are being evicted by the king (it's the good christian thing to do, you know...). Since his servant kinda has the hots for the kings sissy messenger, the rabbi sculpts a giant statue which he then brings to life as a golem, and puts to work as his new servant.
The golem chops wood, runs to the market and such. The rabbi seeks an audience with the king to try and make a case for the jews. He brings the golem to entertain the king but turns the whole thing into a jewish history lesson. When the jester cracks a wise one, the rabbi (now looking much the jewish wizard!) causes the roof to cave in, then summons the golem to hold it up. The king must be a numbnut as he falls for this and allows the jews to stay as a way of saying thanks to the rabbi!
They return home where our pansy friend is still in bed with the servant girl- busted! The rabbi puts the ever more menacing golem "to sleep" but his assistant, madly jealous of the pansy, re-animates golem to get the girl back. Golem then kills the sissy, takes the girl and wrecks the town. They get the girl back and the golem escapes the walls of the city.
I like this one a lot. Strange and atmospheric, with crazy costumes and even crazier sets. It's all very surreal. Just the way I like my silent movies! XXXX
Goliath vs. the Vampires a.k.a. Maciste contro il vampiro 1961 Ambrosiana Cinematografica
Directors (it takes two to make a movie this bad!): Sergio Corbucci and Giacomo Gentilomo
Starring: A former Tarzan and lots of italiennes
A small village, home a of a giant muscleman named Goliath (in english anyway), is raided by vampires who certainly inspired the rock group GWAR with their costumes. They kill all the men and children and make off with the women, just like my ancestors! Anyway, Goliath and some kid are out farting around while the village is being pillaged and they return to find few survivors.
The survivors head to the city, to seek both the protection of the Sultan and to avenge the deaths of their loved ones. There, they all meet up with the help of a blue-eyed arab, who makes wax zombies in his spare time. Eventually they run into some caped blue men, straight out of Buck Rogers.
The blue men work for the blue-eyed arab and they have collected the bodies of those turned to stone by Kobrak, the vampire (the vampire who appears and vanishes in a plume of red smoke). Kobrak controls the Sultan, via his queen(?)... Headmistress of the harem anyway. Goliath learns from her, the secret of Kobrak's lair and off they all go to fight evil!
Where does one begin? A body builder as leading man, costumes left over from one bible movie or another, vampires with GWAR costumes... It is just fantastically bad, completely predictable (yes, he saves his fiancée) and utterly ridiculous. It is also family friendly enough to have no redeeming qualities. Worse than a mexican wrestling movie. ~
Good Against Evil 1977 Twentieth Century Fox
Director: Paul Wendkos
Starring a guy actually named "Dack Rambo"! Perhaps a former porn star?
Devil ways in the disco days! We start in the worst depiction of 1955 ever put to film- suits with wide lapels, fat knotted ties, feathered hair! Maybe this is where the Dirty Dancing (Easily one of the worst films of all time!) people got the idea that nobody remembers 1961, so why bother recreating the look for you movie? Anyhoo, a baby girl is born and after the mother is killed by an evil house cat(!), an evil nun whisks her away to be raised by a group of devil worshipers.
The satanists lurk in the shadows, always there to protect Jessica from harm and/or fornication, for it seems she must be a virgin to wed Satan himself! That's later though... For now, she leads a charmed life. With the help of her unseen friends, she lands a cush job as a fashion designer in SF. There, one day, a charming fellow named Andy (Rambo) rambos her new car with his smooth "love van".
The two proceed to fall in love, threatening the plans of the devil cult. They send their army of house cats(!) to kill Jessica's boss for failing to thwart the romance. While scoping out churches for the wedding, Andy's priest notices the evilness surrounding Jessica- I mean she did drop the temperature and turn out the lights with her presence! Before the wedding can go forward though, Jessica disappears and Andy finds the church desecrated and the priest dead in the bell tower.
A newspaper article about a child in New Orleans has Andy hopping the first flight. There he finds the child's mother is a former flame of his (very convenient) and they encounter the priest that Andy's priest had recommended for Jessica. The daughter of Andy's old flame is in the hospital, suffering from demonic possession. The priest talks them into expelling the demon at home, which leads to a laughable copy of The Excorcist, in which Andy must save the priest's life from an evil pillow!
Andy and the priest then set out to find Jessica, but who is good and who is evil? The End. What? Was there supposed to be a sequel here? Somehow, we stopped right in the middle of a good movie and re-enacted the end of another movie. What gives?
Good beginning, shitty ending. Dack should go back to porno!! X
The Gore-Gore Girls 1972 Shock Films
Director: Herschell Gordon Lewis
Starring: Henny Youngman(!)
A pretty, young woman combing her hair, get her head bashed into the mirror. This prompts a young red-headed reporter, Nancy, to ask the pompous sleuth Abraham Gentry to help solve the murder. Gentry snootily pokes around, pissing off everyone- especially the waitress Marlene, and stumbles right into a second murder, with Nancy in tow. This one's had her face removed and then de-brained with a cleaver!
Gentry follows up the leads, including the crazy Vietnam vet who smashes fruits and an overzealous feminist, who leads a raid on one of the strip clubs. Gentry continues his investigation, taking what he can from the cops and throwing them off course with inane theories. A third victim gets her ass pounded with a meat tenderizer and a forth and fifth, steamed to death with an iron and a french-fried head, respectively.
After this, Gentry goes right to the boss, Marzone Mobilie (Youngman), and helps him develop a big "talent search". See, Nancy will be the bait (unbeknownst to her!). He loads her up with zombies (You ever drank one??) then tells her how sexy the last dancer is. She gets so jealous, she jumps right up on the stage and takes it aaaaallll off. She wins the contest and Gentry takes her home where she promptly passes out on the couch. A course, the killer comes a callin'...
Despite the multitude of gyrating, scantily clad women and the unprecedented gore for the time, this movie is pretty bad. The tongue-in-cheekiness is unbearable at times and I don't think I've ever seen amore annoying character in a movie than Gentry! Still, it had it's moments: Nancy is oh so cute and you'll never ever guess who the killer is... So I guess it's not that bad. XXX
The Gorilla 1939 Twentieth Century Fox
Director: Allan Dwan
Starring: Bela Lugosi, Lionel Atwill and the Ritz Brothers?
Not content to let Paramount and Columbia have all the fun, with the Marx Brothers and 3 Stooges, Fox had to do something, right? Enter the Ritz Brothers, a cheap knock-off of both above-mentioned acts. And that's just the beginning!
We have a guy in a gorilla suit AND we have a real gorilla (which looks a lot like the guy in the gorilla suit!). We have a damsel in distress and we have gangsters, plus a whole convoluted story about, well... Gangsters and gorillas. The end. And yes, it was that bad! ~
Gothic 1986 Virgin Vision
Director: Ken Russell
Starring: Gabriel Byrne, Natasha Richardson, Julian Sands
This is the story of the origin of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, a story so rich with madness and prose Hollywood had to dumb it down for mass consumption in Haunted Summer. Basically, Percy Shelley (Sands), Mary Godwin (Richardson) and Mary's half-sister Clair Clairmont set out to Austria to visit Lord Byron (Byrne), who has exiled himself there after numerous scandals back home in England.
We all know that Lord Byron was a madman, so I wasn't so surprised when things started getting weird right from the get-go. They gather, along with Byron's physician Dr- Polidori, and perform a séance to release the spirits among them. This leads to many a crazed activity, including Shelley climbing out on the roof naked in the middle of a lightning storm, hallucinations and eventually near nervous breakdowns for nearly all- Byron is so drunk he never really succumbs to the fear.
Dr- Polidori, wrestling with his homosexuality and obsessed with blood sucking leeches; and Mary, still reeling from the loss of a child, are pushed to the brink. Mary even attempts suicide after several hallucinations, but Shelley saves her. They decide they must send the spirits back but Clair has turned completely feral on them and Mary is so scared she just cowers in a corner. The séance begins and it's Mary who finally ends the whole mess! Come morning, all is well... Except this is only the first of many nights they will spend there.
This is the perfect blend of fantasy and reality, right in between the ridiculously fantastic Lair of the White Worm and all too real Whore. A great story, told to high fancy, all brilliantly acted and filmed. It's perfect! XXXXX
Grave of the Vampire 1972 Publishing info unavailable.
Director: John Hayes
We start out in a non-descript time I can only guess is "the past", a kind of a Gatsby-ish time. This couple is making out in the graveyard, when a perverted old corpse rises up out of the grave and with superhuman strength kicks the guy's ass and takes the girl down a fresh grave for a little grave-raping.
Twenty years later, the thirty year-old offspring of that unholy union is hot on the trail of his undead rapist father, who is teaching a course in mystical arts at a college. The son befriends a female classmate and falls for her roommate, who (wouldn't you know it) is a dead ringer for the father's long dead wife. This happened a lot in the '70s.
Vampire dad kills the classmate and gets the roommate under his spell but only after the son nails her. Then they all collect at dad's house for a little séance, where the son calls up the dead classmate instead of vampire dad's long lost love. This pisses off vampire dad and he and his half-vampire son duke it out (in one of the worst fight sequences ever filmed) until the end.
Slow, dull and not so good. Some T&A may have helped... X
The Green Slime 1968 MGM Pictures
Director: Kinji Fukasaku
An asteroid breaks orbit and is in a deadly collision course with planet earth! The only way to save mankind? Send a crack team of spacemen to the asteroid, so they can plant explosives and blow it to smithereens. Jack is our about to retire square jawed hero, he'll lead up the mission. They land, plant their explosives, but wait... What's this green stuff?
Just by the skin of their teeth, they make it back to the space station, Gamma 3 (I think I had that LP) but unfortunately, so does some of the green stuff and by damn it grows! And spreads. By the time they know what it is, three men have been electrocuted and the green goo is now a one-eyed monster like something out of Sid and Marty Kroft!
With the help of Commander Elliott and his girl, Dr- Lisa (smoking hot redhead Luciana Paluzzi), Jack battles the creature, which of course morph into several creatures. Along the way, Jack also battles to win Lisa back from Vince- er, Commander Elliott. After failing to trap the things in one wing of Gamma 3, they decide to abandon ship and destroy the station. But can they do it with hundreds of electric puppet monsters aboard?
This one has it all: The cheap plastic spaceships, the funny costumes, the rubber monster suits and don't forget.... Green slime! The roles are cliché, the acting is forced and truly some of the funniest special effects ever! Still, this is a very enjoyable picture. The action is tight, the suspension is real and at the end, you're really rooting for Jack and Vince to succeed against the puppets. XXXX