The Bat 1959 Liberty Pictures
Director: Crane Wilbur
Starring: Vincent Price and Agnes Moorehead
A weasely bank manager has embezzled one million dollars and hidden it in his extravagant mansion- the same mansion a mystery writer named Cornelia van Gorder (Moorehead) rented to write her latest novel. The poor owner, you see, has hidden the money and perished in a forest fire- sort of.
Soon, Cornelia and what's left of her servants are under siege from a "man with no face", a legendary villain called "The Bat". But just who is this Bat? And why does he wear gloves that make it so cumbersome to use tools? Anyway, rather than getting out of the house (like normal people), Cornelia invites her girlfriends over, while the bumbling police miss The Bat over and over.
Our list of suspects ranges from a mysterious Doctor Wells (Price) who keeps bats in his lab, to the bank manager's nephew, to THE BUTLER (who of course has a shady past), to well... How do we know the bank manager is really dead? Lt. Anderson is watching them all. He knows about the butler's past AND the bats in Doctor Wells' belfry!
With all the girls locked in their rooms and the incompetent cops on watch The Bat sneak into the house, cuts the phone lines and starts making an infernal racket. The girls go to investigate and find him, but he escapes killing one and getting himself wounded on the way. One of the cops and the remaining girls decide to set a trap. Too bad the cop is such a lousy shot! Seems The Bat may win after all... Or will he?
Not bad, as these flicks go- you know, the ones where a dozen people stay in a dangerous place with no explanation! And for once, we are dead wrong about the villain. I mean, you might figure it out but it's not the obvious choice. While Moorehead was good, she was much more fun as Endora on Bewitched. Price, as always, was Price. This movie, as a whole, was fair to middlin'. XX
The Beach Girls and the Monster 1965 American Academy Productions
Director: Jon Hall
Well, let's start off with Frank Sinatra, Jr. rockin' to some twangy guitar, while some bikini clad babes shake it on the beach. Yeah, that will get us through the opening credits! Then add the boys, on their long-boards, hangin' ten in the groovy surf. Now we start to meet the kids. There's Bunny, the prankster blonde, pouring sand in her boyfriend's face. Oops, she's dead!
Jane finds her scratched to pieces (her face anyway, don't want to mess up that bikini bod!) and the sheriff comes to see what's going on with these crazy kids. Bunny is dead alright, and there are these funny footprints in the sand! Let's take casts of them to Dr- Lindsay (that would be Mark's dad, and Mark of course is Jane's beau). The doc says it could be some mutated fish, walks on land, could weigh up to 250 pounds... What?!
While Mark sulks, the wicked stepmother, Vicky, drinks and cavorts and sluts around with her old boyfriends. That is, when she is not swimming and teasing their lame (literally) roommate, Mark. I know, let's have a beach party. We don't care about Bunny! We'll sing and dance around the fire and go swimming in the ocean. Nice... Until (was it Tom?) gets killed by the same monster!
Now we have to get serious and find the monster, because Sue thinks Mark did it. But Mark has a piece of the monster and he thinks he knows what is going down. But can he find the answer before the sheriff catches up or will they find him standing there with a dead Vicky in his bedroom?
Out of all the z-grade movies I've seen, this is the first time I've laughed out loud every time I saw the monster! I mean, it was just a Creature from the Black Lagoon halloween mask for hell sakes! But the story here is not as simple as it seems. Of course, it could have been much better too! XXXX
Beach Party 1963 American International Pictures
Director: William Asher
Starring: Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello, even better Morey Amsterdam and Dick Dale! With a very special cameo for all you horror fans...
We'll start with Professor Bob, who wears a beard of almost ZZ Top proportions, peering through his looking glass at the kids on the beach. Teenagers mostly, played by 25 year-old actors. All the usual clichés abound- bikinis, long boards, weirdo surf lingo and a beatnik beach bar, which is always run by or named after a guy named Daddy. In this case, Cappy (Amsterdam) runs the place and Daddy sits motionless at the door.
The kids frolic, surf, dance around the fire and make-out. The professors likens their behavior to the aboriginals he has studied and even his cute blonde assistant thinks he's a bit of a square. So the actual opening, Frankie and Annette arrive in their souped up hot-rod for what Frankie assumes is going to be a weekend alone- only Annette has invited all their friends, you know... So nothing immoral happens.
Well Frankie gets pissed and takes up with the slutty european barmaid at Daddy's. Annette, sees this and thinks, well... Two can play at this game. She befriends Professor Bob and tries to make Frankie jealous. Meanwhile, some dumb-ass bikers crash Daddy's and the prof gives them the pinch, so he and Cappy become friends. Now he is in, sort of. There is that beard... Which Annette talks him into shaving off.
Well now, the blonde assistant (remember her) is doing the watching and she gets, well, jealous. So now everyone on the beach is jealous. But Frankie loves Annette and Annette loves Frankie, and the barmaid loves any ol' guy so dumb-ass biker guy will do and well everyone is in love for happily ever after. Yay...
It's wild teenagers that are as safe as a Disney movie. What we used to call good, clean fun. And it is fun in a retarded way. Despite the sheer idiocy of the story and the couple of songs thrown in to make it a musical, it is entertaining. At least as much so as an Elvis movie! XXX
Beast from Haunted Cave 1959 Gene Corman Productions
Director: Monte Hellman
A crew of ne'er-do-wells descends on a dakota ski resort. Alex is the mastermind and he and his sidekicks, Marty and Byron, along with his pretty secretary Gypsy, are planning to bomb the old mine and then rob the resort offices while everyone is at the mine, then escape into Canada. It's not a bad plan, if all goes as designed! Of course, it doesn't go that well. Their guide, Gil, is a strapping young lumberjack type and Gypsy takes a little shine to him.
The plan forges ahead but as Byron plants the bomb in the mine, he sees something horrible happen. His barmaid date is snatched up by some vile creature! Ol' Byron just isn't the same after that and his crew begins to think he is cracking up. As planned, they leave on a cross country ski trip to Gil's cabin, where they will hide out and wait for their plane to Canada.
But Byron is still seeing things in the night and shooting into the darkness, making everyone edgy- especially the boss. Tension builds as Gil begins to suspect something with his guests and strange noises persist outside- probably that cougar (Ha! We know it is really a giant spider!)... Finally, the lovestruck Gypsy tells Gil about the plans to axe him before they go to Canada and he tells her to meet him later.
After she tests Alex, she does go meet Gil but they are turned back by the coming storm and must seek shelter in a haunted cave- the very same cave Byron found on one of his excursions and where Marty, the barmaid and Gil's housekeeper are all up in webs! Gypsy and Gil arrive, followed shortly by Byron and Alex (who now knows Byron isn't crazy after all). As Gil looks for the source of the noises in the cave, Alex finds Gypsy and Gil finds himself against the robbers and the giant spider!
Another giant spider movie? Somewhere around Tarantula and Earth vs. the Spider, lurks this b-grade superspider movie. It doesn't have quite the special effects of either of those movies but it's a pretty good crime suspense story, with a giant spider thrown in for sci-fi cash-in! I can almost picture it as a legit thriller, with Hitchcock at the helm but alas- this is not the case and it's merely pretty good. XXX
Beast of Yucca Flats 1961 Coleman Francis
Director: Coleman Francis
Starring: Ed Wood crony and swedish wrestler, Tor Johnson!
We start with a bit of international intrigue... The famous Dr- Javorsky (Johnson) is being driven presumably to some government installation, when KGB agents start chasing them. Everyone is shooting at each other and every shot is a ricochet! They stop in the middle of Yucca Flats and Javorsky staggers off into the desert while his bodyguard and driver shoot it out with the KGB agents.
Oddly, just as the agents win and start after Javorsky an atomic bomb goes off nearby (it is a missile testing range, after all...). The agents are convection roasted but Javorsky somehow survives- sort of. The blast has turned him into a grunting, savage, murderous, swedish wrestler with a burned head! He runs through the desert in his tattered clothes, killing anyone he comes across. Except the chick in the car. He takes her to his cave... Urrgh!
Next, this family is on vacation and they too take a short cut through the missile range (shocking lack of security here!). They stop and the kids run off into the desert. Mom is worried and pop goes looking for them. By now, the local law is looking for the killer of the prior two. Paratrooper Jim is up in a plane shooting at the pop who is looking for his kids. Insert North by Northwest footage.
The kids, now lost, settle by a watering hole where Javorsky finds them and chases them down a hill. Suddenly it's over!
So, it was kinda like they got half way through and just decided to wrap one day... Call it good. Didn't turn out so good though. Lots of unanswered questions, despite the constant over-descriptive narration. This easily could have passed for an Ed Wood movie! It had all the hallmarks but by then, Ed was making quasi-porn "documentaries" on the dangers of fast living... This movie? X
The Beast that Killed Women 1965 Barry Mahon Productions
Director: Barry Mahon
A hipster couple set out for the nudist camp for some fun in the sun but what they find is anything but. They arrive at the camp where we kind of forget about the story for a bit and just look at lots of naked girls (from behind and the waist up) and men in tight swim trunks (apparently it's only clothing optional for women).
A couple of new girls check in and bunk down in their panties for the night. Meanwhile, out at the bonfire, a collection of fully clothed nudists(?) say goodnight and soon after, a gal is kidnapped by a gorilla! What is it with the bad gorilla suit and nudists? I don't get it. Next morning, her body is found by more clothed nudists and the police are summoned.
The next night, while the single girls huddle under their blankets together, another couple goes down to the lake. This time the gorilla attacks the man, throwing him off the dock. The woman escapes and the police now know they are looking for a gorilla, or some such creature. They check the local zoo and circuses in the area. No escaped gorilla. By damn! Where did it come from? Aw, who cares? More nudity and the cops catch up with our furry friend. Case solved.
You know, it's odd to me that filmmakers thought nudists would wear clothes inside their rooms, then undress to go out to the pool. Very unclear on the concept here... The movie is beautifully filmed, and in brilliant color (they say "bloody panic color"). This just enhances every stitch in the cheap gorilla suit and the neon pinkness of it's plastic mouth! It's that bad. But the movie isn't all bad. It's pretty funny in its ineptness. Also, there were black women but no black men. What's up '60s Miami? Hmmm... XXX
Beat Girl 1960 Willoughby Productions Ltd.
Director: Edmond T. Greville
Jennifer is a swingin' chick. Not really a beatnik so much as a juvenile delinquent, but she says "daddy-o" a lot and dances like a freak in some cave-like hang-out with some other hep cats. When her pop shows up with a new wifey, namely a french blonde not much older than she, Jennifer is less than pleased.
She parties it up and along the way she meets a stripper, who pulls the new step-mamere's skeleton right out of the closet! With this new ammo, Jennifer really goes to town and every time dear old dad steps in, she dangles the past over the step mom's head to get her way. Yes, she's quite the conniving little bitch!
As Jennifer sinks deeper into the underworld of jazz bars and strip clubs (my favorite!), the step mom comes clean to papa- who still loves her of course- and now they must save little Jennifer from the clutches of the seedy strip club owner (Christopher Lee, BTW) before it's too late! How dramatic!!
Despite the fact that this is really just another teen exploitation flick, it's actually a pretty good one. A little long and not very sensational by today's standards but it's good enough and the french step mom is actually french! Nice touch. XXX
Behind the Green Door 1973 Cinema 7
Directors: The Mitchell Brothers
Starring: Marilyn Chambers
A girl in a Las Vegas porn shop once told me that Behind the Green Door "wasn't that good". Well, I don't know what kind of glue she was sniffing, because this is a true classic from the days when porno movies were movies! The story is that of Gloria Saunders (Chambers), a socialite who is kidnapped and taken to a mysterious "theatre", in the back streets of San Francisco.
After a thorough rub down by a kindly lady, who it turns out came in exactly the same way, Gloria is lead through the green door onto a stage. The audience is dressed to the nines and in masquerade, as they watch Gloria being defiled in every possible way. First by a group of cloaked women, then a well-hung black fellow in crotch-less tights and the grand finale, four men in said tights... She rides one while sucking another and a cock in each hand!
As the show progresses, the audience gets more frisky and some fondling escalates into a full-on orgy, performers and audience alike. What follows is a beautiful and haunting cum shot medley- boldly colorful, artistic and set to some very menacing music. As the orgy winds down, a newcomer to the theatre whisks Gloria away, through the green door.
This is a great picture, although a little choppy on the editing. May be that there wasn't good original stock to work with. Nonetheless, what the Mitchell Brothers produced here is an exceptional movie! A note though, to those of you raised on "video porn": This is not Butt Fuck Tornado #29, four hours of sex scenes. This is a real movie. Think of it as such and you won't be disappointed! XXXXX
Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla 1952 Jack Broder Productions
Director: William Beaudine
Starring: Bela Lugosi and some Martin and Lewis wannabes.
A fake Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis crash land on a jungle island, where they meet a not so hostile tribe of movieland natives (like you might see on Gilligan's Island). Among the natives, a leggy brunette- who is naturally "educated". Seems our fake Martin and Lewis are to perform somewhere, so they need to get off the island.
Enter Doctor Zabor (Lugosi), the stereotypical mad scientist. The chief is friends with him and the girl, his daughter Nona, works for the doctor. No PETA in those days... This doctor experiments on animals of all kinds, mostly apes. One of the chimps takes a liking to Sammy (the Lewis character), which comes in handy later on...
So, Zabor doesn't like the way Duke (the Martin character) looks at Nona and Duke isn't so sure about the "good doctor". To remedy the situation, Zabor turns Duke into a gorilla, albeit a really bad gorilla costume. And then further hi-jinks with a real gorilla, the tribe looking for Duke, Nona's fat sister chasing Sammy around and the doctor trying to kill Duke...
This has to be one of the stupidest movies ever made, even worse than a real Martin and Lewis movie! What makes it worth watching is the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thing. Bela Lugosi, bad gorilla suits, non-descript natives and though the title speaks of Brooklyn, the characters speak of getting back to the Bronx... Which is it? Another mid-grade Lugosi vehicle. XXX
Beware the Blob a.k.a. Son of Blob 1972 Worldwide Entertainment Corp.
Starring: Larry Hagman(!), who also directed(!!)
Chester brings a sample home from the north pole, where his girl finds it in the freezer. Well, the cat distracts her and Chester, he's drunk... and the thing thaws out. It then eats the cat, then the girl and poor Chester. A neighborhood girl witnesses Chester being eaten and panics, driving recklessly through the streets to get help. By the time they get back to the house though, the blob is gone and so is Chester.
As in the original (see below), no one believes her. Her beau even seems a little skeptical. They go to a party, where she freaks out. Meanwhile, the blob eats a cop, a couple of teens, a barber and his client, some hobos, etc. It even nearly devours our heroes, Lisa and Bobby(?), until they accidentally turn on the A/C in the truck. They are clueless, but we of course remember this from the first movie!
A few more teens gobbled up and the blob is headed to the bowling alley, for the big tournament. Bobby tries to warn everyone but is quickly wrestled into the manager's office. Too late... the blob is here and it ate all the bowlers!! Lisa, Bobby and the manager seek shelter in the booth at the ice rink, while the sheriff prepares to burn down the building- with them inside! They should've watched the end of The Blob on Chester's TV. They would've figured it out sooner...
It's exactly the same plot as the original. Just the names, places, a few details changed. It is also nearly as entertaining, ridiculous and cheesy as the first. Much better than the 1988 remake of The Blob, which just didn't need to be made. If you're going to watch a second Blob movie, make it this one! XXX
Billy the Kid vs. Dracula 1965 Embassy Films
Director: William Beaudine
Starring: John Carradine
Now, you're really going to have to suspend your disbelief! Billy the Kid, apparently retired and reformed into an "aw shucks" nice kid, has moved to a small western town and fallen in love with a cute little 18 year-old blondie, named Betty. Of all things! The only thing he shoots nowadays is tin cans, and maybe his wad in Betty when no one's around... Maybe.
Anyhoo, Betty's ma is coming back from Boston and traveling with her and the step-dad, are a whiskey salesman and some fellow named Underhill, James Underhill. He's an odd sort, Underhill, with a pointy goatee and a cape! Well, soon enough, people start dying and of course there are bite marks on their necks. Then, "Uncle" James starts putting his "spell" on poor Betty. (Apparently he's a "funny uncle"!) He sets up shop in an old abandoned silver mine.
Billy is at a loss as to what's wrong with Betty and Underhill sends a hit man after him(!). Billy guns down the hit man and winds up in jail. How the hell is he going to save Betty if he's in the clink?! Easy, the old lady doctor steals the sheriff's gun and throws it to Billy in his cell! Oh, and it just gets more ridiculous from there!!
Man, what a piece of work this is... Billy the Kid is more like Richie Cunningham than an outlaw and the scenes with the bat are so bad, you can practically see the string it slides down on! And Betty is just the sweetest most innocent little thing- Makes me want to puke!! I did like the red light glowing on Underhill's face every time he hypnotized someone... extra cheese please! X
Blast-Off Girls 1967 Creative Film Enterprises
Director: Herschell Gordon Lewis (minus the gore...)
Start with some Monkees-esque band playing that wild rock-n-roll, man. Then they have a disagreement with their asshole manager, a real dandy- sharp clothes, cane and all. If I had to guess, Scott Disick's idol. (There's your modern reference, E! News...) Anyway. They walk and he tells them, "You'll never work in this town again". I know... Hard to believe!
Well, dandy, Boojie actually, finds himself a new bunch of suckers in The Big Blast (played by an equally bad real band). He lures them in with groupie ass and green, green grass but when it comes to the cash, that's all Boojie's. Again, the lads start to rebel, especially when they have a top selling single and still don't have any bread.
Boojie serves up more groupies and grass, to the boys and to the recording guy. Anything to keep his game alive. Again, the boys rebel so this time Boojie must go the distance to keep them, tricking them into signing a three year contract. Real smooth guy this one. Still, with all the chicks and drugs they can handle, do they really need cash? Well, apparently they do because they still rebel and in the end... Ah, you'll see who wins.
Despite the lack of gore (Lewis is responsible for such atrocities as Blood Feast (below), The Gore-Gore Girls and The Wizard of Gore) this was typical. Trying to cash in on the latest craze- showcasing teen culture and a new band, with a feeble story thrown in to tie it together. All it needed was Gidget and some sand! X
Blacula 1972 American International Pictures
Director: William Crain
Starring: The singer of "Love Letters", Ketty Lester and Denise Nicholas from In the Heat of the Night.
Way back in the old days, an african prince named Mamuwalde and his bride(?), Luva visit Count Dracula in Transylvania. Why? I don't know. Ol' Drac takes a shine to Luva and well... He's gonna get some of that. He orders his men to subdue Mamu-you know and when he fights, it pisses the vampire count off royally! He bites him on the neck and locks him in a coffin, sealing Luva in the room to die slowly while he is trapped forever alive in the coffin.
Animated credits with porno music.
It is now 1972 and a couple of really gay antiques dealers just scored on the Dracula estate, including said coffin. All gets shipped back to LA and they just can't wait to open the coffin. But just as the dude with the giant afro breaks the lock, the white boy cuts himself on another box. They are bandaging his arm as what's-his-name rises from the coffin!
Next thing you know, folks are turning up in the morgue with peculiar wounds and no blood in their veins. A smooth, turtleneck wearing doctor takes notice. In between lab work with his sexy mama (Nicholas) and hanging at the bar with her and her sister (who looks a lot like Luva but is named Tina) he starts developing a theory. But he won't tell anyone because it's too crazy...
Enter what's-his-name and he is immediately smitten with Tina. He begins wooing her, preparing her for eternity with him. But wait! How come this guy doesn't show up in photographs and why are people still being drained of their blood. The doctor digs up the white boy to find out and boy, does he!
OK, so it doesn't have Pam Grier but we do have Denise Nicholas in her film debut and singer Ketty Lester as a tough-talkin', leather-clad cabbie. That makes up for it, right there! A pretty good story of love across the ages, much like 1930's The Mummy, only with a lot of polyester and afros! Nice. XXX (Not quite as fun as the sequel Scream, Blacula, Scream.)
The Blob 1958 Paramount Pictures
Director: Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr.
Starring: Steve McQueen, in his first starring role!
A meteor from space lands in the outskirts of town, witnessed by an old farmer and a couple of teens, who were mackin' in the car. The farmer goes to investigate and ends up with a sticky goo from the meteor on his hand. The teens, quick to check it out, nearly run the old man over in their haste. They take him to the town doc, who is stumped as the blob of purple slime devours the old man. Steve watches in horror as the blob then devours the doctor.
They go to the police and are naturally greeted with skepticism. Parents are called and they are sent home. Ever the duteous type, Steve breaks out and meets up with his girl. They take it upon themselves to save the town, enlisting the help of other teenagers from the movie theatre. They track the blob to the supermarket and phone the police, who do respond but find the store empty. Again the skepticism.
But then all hell breaks loose. The thing is in the theatre!! A river of screaming teenagers are rushing out the doors and the police finally get a look at the thing as it envelopes a local diner, with five people (including Steve, his girl and his little brother) inside. Now, they have to try everything in the book to kill it!
A kind of a hybrid hot-rod/monster movie, not unlike The Giant Gila Monster but a little more high budget... filmed in color even. It's only downfall? Maybe too wholesome. That's just not enough to ruin this teenage joyride though! XXXX
Blood and Black Lace 1963, 1965 Woolner Bros. Pictures
Director: Mario Bava
Starring: Cameron Mitchell
Another masterpiece by Mario Bava, this one set in a roman fashion house under the reign of a Countess Christina. One of the models, Isabella, has been dabbling in cocaine and winds up strangled to death. Her diary is discovered shortly after her body and it seems everyone has something to hide. Nicole asks to hold onto the diary (she'll turn it over to police tomorrow) and guess who's next to get it! Peggy then steals it and burns it in her fireplace.
The police round up all the men that have anything to do with the salon and lock them up over night. Creating the perfect alibi for all of them when Peggy ends up dead in the trunk of Greta's car. Greta drags her in her house and soon joins her, dead on the floor that is! Just when we're completely puzzled as to who the killer is, the story reveals itself and there is much more to it than meets the eye.
There is an old car accident which may not have been an accident, Max is being blackmailed, a secret marriage between Max and Christina and a plot to make the murders look like the work of a sex maniac! One more murder should do the trick. But who's crossing who, and is the killer really the killer??
Bava, who started out as a cinematographer, made some of the prettiest and most colorful films I've ever seen, most of them about murder. This one is splendid example of his work. A gritty and twisted story of greed, set in a beautiful dream-like world. Indeed, not all is as it seems! XXXXX
Blood Creature 1959 Lynn-Romero Productions
Director: Gerardo de Leon
A lone shipwreck survivor is rescued by a doctor and his curvaceous, blonde wife and brought to their home on a lush tropic isle. Here they find a typical cast of characters: The native maid, her inquisitive young son and don't forget the mysterious, and of questionable heritage, helper Walter. Mr- Shipwreck, we'll call him John since I think that was his name, soon recovers and learns of the peculiar goings-on in the basement.
With the aid of his Hollywood starlet wife, the doctor is spinning wild experiments in evolution- That is instant evolution. Unbeknownst to Darwin, we humans are all descendant from cats! Or at least that's what the creature the crazy doctor has "evolved" in two weeks appears to be. They also have a hard time keeping the thing leashed and all the other natives have fled the island to avoid certain death!
In the midst of all this, our Marilyn Monroe wannabe, who is of course neglected by the self-absorbed doc, falls for John. This is complicated by Walter busting them and then trying to put the moves on blondie himself, which totally pisses off the beast. He breaks his straps and takes after Walter, stopping to kill the maid, then kidnaps his object of desire. The doctor and John put their differences aside and unite to save her. One of them will save the day right?
Who cares? I kinda lost interest along the way. No surprise here, Hollywood ride-into-the-sunset ending. X tops!
Blood Feast 1963 Box Office Spectaculars
Director: Herschell Gordon Lewis
Such bold, terrific colors for a '63 b-movie! Long before The Gore-Gore Girls, Herschell Gordon Lewis brings us this blood fest, about an "egyptian" caterer, trying to prepare "the Feast of Ishtar". The caterer, Fuad Ramses, is a gimpy old man with spray-painted grey hair and Charles Manson eyes! He is going about the city, mutilating young girls and taking the right ingredients for his special recipe.
Knowing nothing of this, an upper-class suburban housewife hires Ramses to cater her barbie-doll daughter's party, with an "egyptian" theme of course! One by one, pretty girls' bodies are stacking up and the Dragnet-like cops are getting frustrated. After one of the daughter's well-endowed friends turns up missing, the lead detective (who is also hot and heavy with the daughter) makes it his personal quest to solve the murders.
With a tip from a lingering victim, a book found at one of the crime scenes and his expertise in egyptology, he finally cracks the case. Unfortunately, Ramses is already at the party and holding a machete over the daughter, who by the way, is as tan as George Hamilton and possibly the worst actress ever!
This movie is downright terrible but not as bad as Elvira's lame jokes before, at intermission and afterward! I have to admit that I laughed almost as hard as I did in Bad Santa, which I watched right after, although I don't think this was intended to be as funny... The gore was way ahead of it's time and like I mention above, very colorful! Is there a version with Joe Bob Briggs hosting? That would be better... Still, XXX
Blood Orgy of the She-Devils 1972 Occult Productions
Director: Ted V. Mikels
We open with the usual "inside" glimpse of our cult at hand. The lead witch is yelling some mumbo-jumbo, while young half naked girls dance around a sacrificial dude(?) and some indian guru gives the crazy eyes in the background. Next, a couple of thugs pay the witch to whack a politician. Finally, we meet a hot young couple, Mark and Mara. Mara is pleading with Mark to accompany her to a séance.
He agrees, mostly because Mara is a stone cold fox! They go, and are lured into the occultness therein. Mark, now curious, insists they go see Doctor Helsford, a local expert on witchcraft. Meanwhile, the the witch has killed the politician and the thugs return to kill her, as she is "dangerous". One of them plants three rounds in her, one in a student and two in the indian.
The witch's spirit inhabits a cat and then resurrects the indian. They carry on their evils ways and first things first, the witch has her revenge on the thugs who tried to kill her! Mark and Mara continue their lessons with Dr- Helsford but also continue to dabble with the witch. As in every '70s cautionary tale, the occult turns on Mark and Mara, and Mark finds himself on the sacrificial altar... Mara dancing about him in orgiastic pleasure!
Naturally, the good doctor has to exercise his "white" magic to bring down the bad, bad witches!
This occult fare is fair. All the hallmarks of '70s occult cinema are all here, including flashbacks to the witch hunts and the torture à la Mark of the Devil. The cinematography is dark and colorless, which adds to the feel of the piece. Just as confusing as Mikel's Astro Zombies and not much better... XXX
Bloody Pit of Horror 1965 Pacemaker Pictures
Director: Max Hunter
Starring: Mickey Hargitay
The Red Executioner- a super-hero looking villain in red tights, a hood and a Zorro mask- is lead to his own execution. He is locked in fancy purple iron maiden, which is sealed for good measure. Flash forward to a corporate type and his bevy of models and crew show up at the long-abandoned castle, to do an artsy fashion photo shoot. Finding themselves locked out, one of the guys scales the ivy to climb in a window. Once inside, it becomes apparent they are not alone. A mysterious owner (Hargitay) informs the boss that they are not welcome, but then inexplicably changes his mind and allows them to stay the night- as long as they stay out of the dungeon.
The photo shoot starts and within minutes, someone is impaled! Accidentally? On purpose? Soon one of the models is in the iron maiden and it appears the Red Executioner has returned from beyond. The guys try to save the day, but Red (guess who) and his stripey-shirt goons soon have the boss man and the remaining models in the dungeon, while the men are incapacitated- one permanently, as in: Driving in a circle with an arrow in his neck! Meanwhile, the make-up girl, who may be the Red's daughter, is locked in his office.
Red alternates between flexing his muscles, torturing the captives and spouting overly dramatic babble. Eventually, the daughter arrives and is tied down half-naked to a large oven. Finally, the guy who wasn't killed, comes to and heads down to the dungeon with a dummy dressed as the Red Executioner. This really pisses Red off and he gets even more dramatic and pumped up! This leads to the big show-down between Red and the good guy. You can imagine who wins... then saves the daughter, who somehow is dressed again(?).
Pretty mediocre stuff. Good story, bad acting, bad effects and too much flexing. The overdubbing of the european actors is funny though. XX
Bloodlust 1961 Crown International Pictures
Director: Ralph Brooke
Starring: A young Mr- Brady, Robert Reed!
A group of teens is out boating with a guy named Tony ( I know... Bad idea). Tony passes out drunk or something and the kids take the dingy to an island they just spotted. There they find the most interesting man, Dr- Albert Balleau. When they find that their boat is disabled, Dr- Balleau offers them shelter in his home.
There they find they are not the only stranded visitors. A middle aged couple warns them that this is no vacation- all are in fact prisoners and that a horrible fate awaits them. This is later validated as the kids snoop around the house and find corpses, body parts, an acid bath and nefarious doings by the doctor's assistant.
The couple has a plan and asks the kids to cover for them while they sneak to the other side of the island, to the boats and go for help. Unfortunately, the kids soon find that they didn't make it far and are now part of the doctors' secret trophy room- filled with more ghastly taxidermy than the rest of the house- humans!
The doctor separates girls from boys and sets the boys out in the jungle. It's hunting time! Now, if the girls can only escape and find the boys before the boys get back to the house. They, do, they find the guns, and then the big show-down with Doctor Balleau. I don't need to tell you who wins...
I coulda sworn I just saw this but it was a woman villain (in here somewhere). So, they took that movie and mixed it with any other "crazy rich guy hunting humans" movie and bingo- Bloodlust! Still, this was alright. And it was good to get some background on Mike Brady, you know before he became an architect and got married the first time. Pretty traumatic teenage experience!
Bluebeard 1944 Producers Releasing Corp.
Director: Edgar G. Ulmer
Starring: John Carradine and Jean Parker (from The Ghost goes West)
A mad killer is prowling the streets of Paris, strangling young women and dumping them in the river. The authorities put up posters warning that there is a killer on the loose but what do young parisians care about a killer- there's gay times to be had! One young lady, Lucille (Parker), become intrigued with a puppeteer named Gaston Morrell (Carradine).
Missed clue #1: Oddball puppeteer! Hello? No mystery here... Morrell, who is also an artist, is bluebeard- this despite the fact that he is clean shaven. When his wife protests Lucille singing in the puppet show, she is the next to wear his bow-tie. With her out of the way, he can focus on painting his masterpiece- a portrait of Lucille. Just like his portraits of other girls who look just like other murder victims. Coincidence?
Unfortunately for ol' Gaston, Lucille plays the unsatisfied woman to the hilt, nagging about the pose, the background, the light... Bow-tie!
So, this was billed as a "thriller" but frankly, I was so bored by the time he tried to strangle Lucille I didn't even pay attention to the end. It was 1944. I'm sure the coppers got him and ended his artistic reign of terror, making it safe for the denizens of Paris to frolic in the streets at night and make love in dark alleys. X
The Brain that wouldn't Die 1962 Rex Carlton Productions
Director: Joseph Green
Father and son surgeons are having a disagreement about the bounds of medicine. Seems young Dr- Cortner has been experimenting with transplantation techniques and is on the verge of a breakthrough! The elder will have none of it, as it smacks of "playing god" to him. Yet, he allows his son to continue to use the country place for his R&R, apparently unaware of what goes on there.
When his assistant calls with an emergency, young doc- that is Bill- decides to take his babe-a-licious girl Jan to the cabin and let her in on his big secret. Bill gets out his lead foot and makes haste to the hills... And right off a hill like a rocket! Poor Jan is decapitated and Bill decides right then and there he is going to save her!
At the cabin, he and Igor (I don't remember the assistant's name...) fix up Jan's head in a baking tray, fed with blood and I assume nutrients by a variety of tubes and wires. She wakes and no sooner wishes she would've perished. As Bill cruises the streets of town looking for a suitable body to attach his love's head to, Jan befriends the monster in the closet- a failed former experiment of Bill's.
Bill strikes out with some strippers, then finds the perfect body in a figure model whose face is somewhat disfigured and attitude is very annoying. Anxious to get her head removed (just to shut her up, I suspect) Bill lures her to the cabin with the promise of free plastic surgery by his father. But, once there, things don't go quite as he planned!
A classic piece of science fiction imagery, the sight of Jan's head in the tray is instantly recognizable. What I didn't remember was the sly way she rallied the monster in the closet into acting out a revenge she could only dream without a body! And what a monster he turns out to be... Hideous! Dr- Bill is a great villain- kind of diabolical in his methods but really just trying to save his love. This one's a winner all the way around! XXXX
Bride of Frankenstein 1935 Universal Pictures
Director: James Whale
Starring: Boris Karloff, Colin Clive, Dwight Frye and Elsa Lanchester as the bride.
We start with the pre-curser to Ken Russell's Gothic... Lord Byron, Piercy Shelley and Mary Shelley sitting around talking madly. We then return to the burnt-out windmill, where we find our monster (Karloff) is not dead after all. We also find that Henry is still alive, much to the relief of everyone- especially Henry's bride, Elizabeth.
Enter the peculiar Dr- Pretorius, who has created several jars full of little people. Somehow this is shocking to Henry and he is put off by the strange doctor. All the while, the creature walks the woods, is captured, escapes and finds a friend in a blind hermit- who teaches the poor creature to speak (and drink and smoke cigars!).
Soon, Pretorius uses such vices to lure the monster into coercing Henry into helping him fulfill his mad fantasy... Creating a bride for the monster! Not that the monster is against it, having lost his old friend. With Elizabeth in captivity, Pretorius sets Henry to work on the bride, while trying to keep the monster patient with some hopped up whiskey. Finally, monster and missus meet!
Another brilliant film from Whale and even more than before, he makes us feel sorry for the hideous creature Frankenstein brought into this world. The creature himself says he prefers death to life and we can see it in his face. Karloff certainly did more than grunt his way to fame. He brought real emotions to the monster. A fantastic sequel! XXXX
Bride of the Monster 1955 Banner Produsctions
Director: Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Starring: Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson and other Ed Wood usuals, such as his first wife, Delores Fuller.
The movie Ed Wood spent a lot of time on this one and it makes sense now. Compared to other Ed Wood flicks this is relatively high budget and a tad more professional than those before and after.
Dr- Eric Vornoff (Legosi) has moved into the old so-and-so place and couple of hunter find that out the hard way one really rainy night. One is attacked by Vornoff's pet- a dreaded freshwater octopus. I know, it's rubber and they didn't get the motor but the first fight is not so bad. The second hunter faces a much worse fate... A fresh guinea pig for Vornoff!
Somehow, the stereotypical feisty girl reporter gets on the story and it doesn't hurt that her boyfriend is a dick at the local police department. Well before the idiot police captain decides to do anything about the missing hunters and the rumored monster near Marsh Lake, the reporter, Janet (I think), decides to take matters into her own hands.
She gets a flat tire, that's not a flat tire, then drives right off the road! There, one of Vornoff's experiments "Lobo" finds her and take her back to the house. Unfortunately for Lobo, the old doc takes a shine to Janet. Of course, by now the dick has figured out where his girl is and heads out to confront Vornoff.
All leads to a typical Hollywood ending. By motion picture standards, this is a better movie than most of Ed's. Lugosi gives a stellar performance despite the mediocre material. The downside is, by being a better film, it is nowhere near as entertaining as classics like Plan 9 from Outer Space. The octopus was funny but that's the best part. Fair to middlin'... XXX
Brother from Another Planet 1984 A-Train Films
Director: John Sayles
A black spaceman crash lands near Ellis Island and takes to the streets of NY, specifically Harlem. Puzzled by his new environs, he wanders the streets looking like any other bum, eventually finding his way to a neighborhood bar where the regulars tolerate his strange behavior. Here we find that although he can't speak he understands english, spanish and french just fine.
The spaceman also it turns out has the healing touch and when he works his magic on the video game in the bar, one of the locals gets him a job fixing video games down at the arcade and a place to stay with some loud mouth broad. He does fairly well and even bonds with the broad's little boy, who is less judgmental. Meanwhile, men in black from his home planet are hot on his trail. See, he is a runaway slave!
But spring is in the air and a spaceman gets horny. He falls in love with a singer just from seeing her poster and seeks her out. Not having enough money to get into the club, he wanders the streets once more and discovers the seedy side- the heroin trade and wreckage in its wake. He sets out to bring down the racket, popping his eye out to spy on the dealers! Eventually, he gets the girl and he finds the major heroin supplier sitting in a glass office building- a "legitimate" white businessman!
It's kinda funky and fun, with lots of interesting characters throughout. A little heavy on the morality but what do you want from the Reagan era? Too g-rated for my taste but good enough for all y'all with little ones. The most racy scene, a junky overdosed with a needle sticking from his arm. I give it XX
Brotherhood of Satan 1971 Columbia Pictures
Director: Bernard McEveety
Starring: Strother Martin and L. Q. Jones (of Wild Bunch fame)
We open with an inexplicable montage of a tank repeatedly rolling over and old station wagon. A metaphor perhaps? No, probably just opportunity to film it and stick it in the opening credits. When the movie actually starts, we have a Russ Meyers-esque blonde, her daughter and her beau traveling through what appears to be the southwest in their new (1971) station wagon.
The wagon breaks down near a small rural town and you would think, OK- Mayberry... Gomer will help them on their way (if the movie wasn't called Brotherhood of Satan!). Instead they find themselves surrounded by crazed townsfolk, who are very interested in their daughter. Luckily, the sheriff comes and he seems at least half-way normal.
Meanwhile, we learn that some of the town's older folks have formed some coven of "satanic" witches and each of the 13 must find a child for what is obviously going to be some nefarious purpose. Just about then, the stranded couple's daughter vanishes, followed by one of the last boys in town. And the search is on...
Though the sheriff is not falling for this supernatural business, the local priest convinces them that, supernatural or not, some of the locals are dabbling in the occult and taking the children for what he believes to be human sacrifice! Cut to the inner sanctum of the coven, where it appears just that is going to happen. Oh no! Can they get to the kids before they are... Whatever happens to them?
Queue mysterious ending. Pretty solid story, well acted and mostly believable though certainly sensationalized. Are these '70s movies where '80s conservative got their "satanic panic" from? I would say it most certainly fanned the flames! Could this happen in a small town somewhere? Yes. Did it? Maybe. But in every small town? Not a bad little occult flick. XXXX
Bubba Ho-Tep 2002 Starway Enterprises
Director: Don A. Coscarelli
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis
In case you wondered what really happened to The King... He traded places with an Elvis impersonator ('twas he that died) and then broke his hip performing at some small venue in texas. That's how he ended up in this nursing home, with all the other old-timers, including a kindly old black fellow (Davis) who thinks he's JFK! All is well at the old folks home, until a giant beetle appears and starts tormenting the patients.
That giant beetle is actually an egyptian mummy, thousands of years dead. Somehow, he has come back to life (as a cowboy!) and is sucking the souls from the elderly residents. No one suspects a thing until "Jack" discovers hieroglyphics on the bathroom stall, which indicate the mummy's presence in the nursing home. Rather than 'fess up to their suspicions and look like a couple of old crazies, Elvis and Jack team up and try to solve the little mystery themselves.
As the mummy continues to suck souls, out of their assholes mind you, the pair of elderly crusaders unravel the tale of a mummy who was kidnapped for ransom and then swept up in a tornado! Rather than waiting for it to "wrap it's lips around" their assholes, they decide to fight the thing head-on. With their handy bag of tricks, they head out into the night to lure the mummy to its demise!
This is a fantastic movie, filled with one hilarious moment after another. Not really scary but suspenseful and you really do care for the characters, no matter how old and cracked up they may be! Bruce Campbell is brilliant as The King. I've seen many, many portrayals of Elvis over the years, in everything from lame TV bio-pics to 3000 Miles to Graceland. This is the best by far!! XXXXX
A Bucket of Blood 1959 American International Productions
Director: Roger Corman
Roger Corman brings us the tale of a overly eager busboy, Walter Paisley, at a beatnik club called The Yellow Door. Walter soaks in all the beat culture- the poems, the music, the art- but he doesn't really fit in. Deep down, Walter wants to be a sculptor but he lacks any real talent. Until one fateful night, that is, when the landlady's cat gets stuck in the wall. Walter tries to free the cat by cutting into the wall, but instead cuts into the cat!
To cover his blunder, he covers the cat (knife and all) with clay and the next day at work, he passes the thing off as his sculpture. Well, people are intrigued... One girl so much she gives Walter some smack. An undercover cop follows him home and tries to arrest him, but Walter clocks him on the head with a frying pan. Voila! A new sculpture!!
Meanwhile, Walter's boss at the club has discovered the cat inside the cat! But when he is offered $500 for it, he keeps his mouth shut. He tells Walter to stay away from the club for a while and work on a show. Walter proceeds to kill and clay, gaining much fame along the way, but things go awry when he professes his love to his co-worker and she isn't so smitten. This on the night of his big show!
This is really more of a spoof than a serious horror film and it revels in the beat scene of the late fifties. Like, far out, man... Something more films could do in my opinion! Very well done in all aspects. Walter is such poor, hapless guy and you really feel sorry for him as much as anything. I love this movie! XXXXX
Buttcrack 1997 Desert Dog Films
Director: Jim Larsen
Starring: Mojo Nixon!
Brian and Wade are roommates. Brian is a slick guy with blond surfer hair, tight jeans and the ugliest collection of vacation shirts you'll ever see. Despite this, or maybe because of it, Brian has a girlfriend Annie- who is equally badly dressed in jeans that come up to her ribcage! Wade is a fat, Atari-playing loser, whose pants are always riding low- hence his nickname "Buttcrack". Wade is one of the most annoying characters ever put to film and constantly disrupts Brian and Annie, at one point pestering Brian about letting his sister do some "voodoo" to make Annie love him.
Brian decides to propose to Annie, but can't seem to get rid of Wade long enough for her not to lose her lunch at the sight of his ass-crack. Finally he loses his cool and accidentally electrocutes Wade by dropping the radio in the bath with him. Wade is laid to rest, with words by Preacher Man Bob (Mojo). Wade's "voodoo" sister however, is not satisfied with the official explanation of her brother's death and puts a whammy on Brian.
Back at the house, Brian and all of his friend s gather to mourn/celebrate. Brian and Annie decide to have Preacher Man Bob marry them, right there and then. All are dancing in the living room, when Wade shows up to spoil the fun once again. 'K, it's a little hazy, because I was sick and kinda fell asleep, but they re-kill Wade and bury him again. Of course, it doesn't last and Wade and another zombie he picked up along the way show up. Pretty soon, Preacher Man Bob is standing there with his shotgun and everyone else is dead on the lawn! Followed by the standard cheesy ending- some dumb-ass at he grave says "Buttcrack" 12 times in one breath and as the walk away, the hand reaches up from the grave. Ha!
As with most Troma productions, pretty bad. I give it X and that's because of Mojo's appearance in the film and on the soundtrack.