The Abominable Dr- Phibes 1971 American International Productions
Director: Robert Fuest
Starring: Vincent Price, Joseph Cotten
It's just nutty! Price plays Anton Phibes, an allegedly "dead in a fiery car crash" doctor, who is seeking revenge on the medical team who botched his beautiful wife's surgery, sending her to an early grave. Got that? OK, one by one, doctors are being killed under very unusual circumstances; attacked by bees, bats, a booby-trapped frog mask! A stiff detective notes the bizarre methods and suspects a serial killer... His colleagues laugh him off.
The body-count continues to rise, however, and with the discovery of a hebrew amulet at one of the murders, the detective learns of the ten biblical curses. Shortly thereafter, he also finds there are 8 doctors and a nurse all tied to one surgery, that is to Mrs- Phibes. He begins to suspect that the doctor is not dead at all! Again, the fellow detectives think he is crazy, until one doctor is killed right in front of them!!
Then there is one doctor (Cotten) left and his son is kidnapped! He breaks police protection to go to his son. The detective must then race to save the doctor and the boy from certain doom! It's a nail-biter and the end is not really what you might suspect. Maybe a little anti-climactic... but nonetheless, fitting.
Superb costumes, sets, effects and a great story, set in the roaring '20s! Price, again, perfect as the diabolical doctor, who is sort of the James Bond of mad scientists! Colorful, suspenseful, funny and even sexy at times (Phibes' assistant is a real "fashionable" looker!). XXXX
The Addams Family 1991 Paramount Pictures
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Starring: Raul Julia, Angelica Huston, Christoher Lloyd, Christina Ricci, etc.
The long-awaited motion picture featuring the beloved characters from Charles Addams' grim cartoons. We begin with a man named Gordon (Lloyd) and his overbearing mother trying to hone in on the Addams riches. The ploy; to shave Gordon's head and pass him off as Gomez (Julia) Addams' long lost brother, Fester. At first, the family is suspicious. Could this really be Fester, after all these years? Gordon digs deep and wins Gomez over.
With Gomez hooked, the mother hires a sniveling lawyer, who somehow wrangles the family fortune into Fester's (and ultimately her own) hands. The family finds themselves locked out of their own home, penniless and reduced to staying in a cheap motel. Hardly the high living they're used to! Eventually, Morticia (Huston) has had enough. She marches back to the house and finds herself held captive by it's new masters.
"Thing" alerts Gomez, who rushes to her rescue. A brief swordfight with the attorney and Gomez too finds himself captive, by gunpoint. The mother then orders Gordon to open the vault but is Gordon really Gordon or is he really Fester? Find out at the Halloween party that follows, as we are met by Cousin It and the rest of the Addams clan!
Here we have it all. Scenes lifted directly from Addams' cartoons, a perfect rendition of the Addams house and nearly all the zaniness of the TV show! I have to admit I was skeptical. Hollywood had fucked up so many promising movies based on great TV shows. This time the nailed it right on the head! Julia is brilliant as the wild-eyed Gomez, stepping handily into John Astin's shoes, and Huston captures Morticia's subdued anguish beautifully. XXXX
Addams Family Values 1993 Paramount Pictures
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Starring: Raul Julia, Angelica Huston, Christoher Lloyd, Christina Ricci and an amply-bosomed Joan Cusack.
Continuing in the same vein as the first, this one starts out with Morticia (Huston) expecting a new little Addams. The family decides to hire a nanny (Cusack) to help with the new arrival and she, it turns out, is interested in more than just a job. It's summertime and the kids are off to Camp Chippewa, presumably to have a good time(?).
The new nanny, Debbie, wastes no time in working her "charms" (two of them, mainly) on Uncle Fester (Lloyd) and woos him into a stupor rather shortly. Gomez (Julia), the hapless romantic that he is, is elated that Fester has finally found true love, unaware of Debbie's intentions. She maintains a pretty good front throughout. Meanwhile, Pugsley and Wednesday (Ricci) suffer the unbearable glee of the camp counselors, eventually being banished to a remote cabin to watch "Lassie" and "The Sound of Music" until they break.
Wednesday emerges, ready to play Pocahontas in the camp musical, and brandishes a smile. By now, Fester is completely smitten and he and Debbie marry and go to Hawaii on their honeymoon, where Debbie tries repeatedly to "off" Fester. Exasperated, she uses her body to pursued Fester to break off ties with his family. Upon their return, they hole-up in their estate where she continues her plot. Gomez is devastated by this news but is unable to get Fester to talk.
Only when Debbie points a gun at him, does Fester realize that she only wants his money. "Thing" appears out of nowhere and saves Fester from the horrid Debbie. Back at the camp, Wednesday waxes poetic about the plight of the american indian before launching a full-scale attack on the "pilgrims" in the play. Mayhem ensues and she and Pugsley escape in the camp van. They return home just in time for Debbie to arrive and claim "her man" and his fortune. Who will save the day??
A fine romp with the family and very much the same feel and look as the first movie. Dark, funny and good but not great. XXX
Alien Blood 2000 Troma Entertainment
"Director": Jon Sorenson
A mom, who appears to be some kind of kung-fu mercenary, and her daughter are on the run from a band of masked, dressed in black machine-gunners. They meet up with another mom and her son and the kids hold hands by the fire, while mom and mom presumable bump donuts. The men in black show up in the morning and shoot the second mom and her boy.
Mom #1 seek refuge in a house full of vampires, most of them lesbian vampires (and all of them dressed like Shakespearian actors!) and the little girl wins over their hearts. Just in time too, because the masked men show up again and start shooting up the place. The mom and the vampires have a 45 minute shoot out with the men in black and we find out that the leader of the machine-gunners is the brother of the male vampire!
So then, clouds form and a large spaceship looms on the horizon. Turns out the little girl's daddy is a space man and as her mom lay dying on the living room floor, they escort the little girl to the ship to go back "home".
Filmed on video and obviously so, this seemingly endless "movie" is filled with second rate actors (probably the director's friends), ridiculous situations and guns that never run out of bullets! The special effects rival an early '80s new wave music video! To this point (2010), this is the worst movie I have ever seen. ~
The Amazing Mr- X 1948 Samba Pictures
Director: Bernard Vorhaus
Starring: Carole Landis was just a little indisposed, so Lynn Bari
There's this widow, Christine (coulda, woulda... But Bari) and her sis, living in this elaborated beach house, which looks more like a museum or observatory. Anyhoo, Christine is a widow of two years and she's a little wonky in the head- starts hearing voices, namely her husband Paul's outside. What better way to deal with that, than walk the beach looking for him, right?
One day, while doing just that, she stumbles on a little dingy, then a talking crow (maybe the source of the voices?), then a kind gentleman named Alexis (but nothing like Alexis Arquette- more the low-budget Clark Gable). This guy is, get this... A psychic! He looks every bit the 1940s movie star... Pencil thin moustache and all. But he does have wear turban later in the movie. Maybe because his name was Turhan- ha! Okay all you Star Trek geeks, Turhan Bey. Minor star in the '40s, comeback in the '90s. Not a household name...
Back to the movie, shall we? Nutty Christine keeps hearing her dead husband's voice, so her sister (whose name I don't recall) goes to see Kreskin, er uh, Alexis. Meanwhile, the fuzz is investigated Alexis for conning old ladies out of their life savings. What? A psychic AND a conman. How could that be? Oh wait, he wearing a wire under that turban, Turhan!
The plot does get more complicated but by then I didn't really care what happened to any of them. I just wanted it to end so I could watch Dr- G on TV.
So, was it entirely awful? No, just slow moving and tedious. It had plot twists, blackmail, and funny '40s dialogue. Just far from being a great picture, like say, X- The Man with X-Ray Eyes. This one should've been called The Boring Mr- X! And I'll give it just X.
American Gothic 1987 Gerrard & National
Director: John Hough
Starring: Rod Steiger and Yvonne de Carlo
In the Chainsaw Massacre vein, with six young people setting out by sea-plane for a vacation. One of the girls has just been released from intensive psychotherapy after accidentally drowning her baby and her shrink thinks it will do her good to get out. Wouldn't you know it though, engine trouble forces them to land just off some remote island!
After camping out a night, they are not able to fix the plane and set out to see if the island is inhabited. They do manage to find a old house and, after finding no one home, let themselves in. They try on clothes and dance the jitterbug, until the owners of the home arrive and at first seem amused with their unexpected guests. "Ma" (Lily Munster herself, only older) and "Pa" (Steiger) invite them to spend the night and Ma sets about fixin' some vittles.
Next day, the stranded travelers find there are more members of the family lurking about. Ma and Pa have kids it turns out; Fanny, Woody and Teddy. All in their 50's, but still very much children. Fanny even has a "baby" she takes care of, although it's not the cutest of critters! Slowly, the true nature of the family begins to emerge and the visitors start disappearing. I must say, some of them were dispatched in some very creative ways, such as: flung off a cliff from a swing, poked in the eye with a statuette, skewered with knitting needles...
By the end, it's come down to just the girl with the drowned baby, and she is not much more stable than any of the family. So, they take her in. Make her one of their own! Ma makes her a dress, just like Fanny's and they show her the "dirty secrets" down in the basement. You know, the kind of stuff every family has in their basement!
All is going reasonably well until Fanny decides to give her "baby" a bath. Although, the water is imaginary, the still mentally distraught mother sees the baby as her own and gets in a tug-o-war with fanny over the "child". She kills Fanny, then lays in wait to ambush each of the family members, even skewering Ma with her own knitting needles! Pa returns from rabbit huntin' to find them all dead, or so he thinks...
Steiger is truly a menace as Pa but de Carlo's performance is forced. Lots of blood and gore, not much suspense and the story was very predictable. XX
American Raspberry a.k.a. Prime Time 1977 Chartwell Films
Director: Bradley Swirnoff
Starring: A then unknown Harry Shearer and my friend, Craig Richard Nelson!
Ah, the skit movie... Remember Kentucky Fried Movie. It kinda like that. One bad sketch after another- some funny, some trying too hard to be irreverent or offensive and hardly succeeding. This film is themed around TV and even has what resembles a plot, where society disintegrates and the president is helpless to stop the vile crap emanating from the boob tube... All told by a younger Craig R. Nelson on the evening news!
We have puns on Charlie's Angels, any and every commercial, and don't forget the Annual Sexual Deviance Telethon- raising money for those poor souls who practice no sexual deviance. Sad indeed, and maybe we should really have one. All of this is punctuated by stabs at the catholic church, muslims and big oil. Now if it were only funnier... X
The Amityville Horror 1979 American International Pictures
Director: Stuart Rosenberg
Starring: James Brolin, Margot Kidder and Rod Steiger
In a story straight from the National Enquirer, newlyweds George (Brolin) and Kathy (Kidder) Lutz move into their dream house on Long Island, with their three kids and the big black dog... A dream house in which some grisly murders occurred the year prior! Everything seems great until Father Delaney (Steiger) stops by to do his holy water and scripture thing and finds the family outside. Oddly, he decides to go on without them but is chased out by a roomful of flies and the scary voice, "Get out!"
He does, as does their aunt the nun. She finds herself physically sickened by the place but George, Kathy and the kids stay. They start fixing the place up and George chops a lot of wood. As Kathy's brother's wedding approaches, things start getting stranger and stranger. Father Delaney and his sidekick are determined to rescue the family from "the evil house" but are thwarted at every turn by unseen forces and even more evil church authorities.
And George, he is sick- or more like being taken over by some mad remoteness. Nonetheless, they go to the wedding and while they are there the little girl's "imaginary" friend locks the babysitter in the closet. They return to general mayhem (flies, smells, cold spots...) and it just gets worse as the dog uncovers the "gateway to hell" (or a septic tank filled with motor oil) in the basement and George sees the red-eyed pig in the window. Finally, they flee the horror but not without the dog!
This was much scarier when I was 13 but it's still a tense dive into the world of evil spirits. Shades of The Exorcist abound but even more I noted what this movie spawned, for here we see the beginnings of The Shining as well as Poltergeist. The allegedly true story is every family's worst nightmare, short of your child being possessed... It's a brand new haunted house story! And you've got Margot Kidder, in her prime, and her skivvies! Hard to beat that. XXXX
The Amityville Horror 2005 United Artists Pictures
Director: Andrew Douglas
Ah, Amityville... The urban legend that keeps on going. You all know the story. George and Kathy Lutz and their 3 kids move into much-bigger-then-they-can-afford dutch colonial on Long Island, and 28 days later they flee "in horror" from the home, which allegedly was brimming with paranormal activity after Ronnie DeFeo, Jr. shot his whole family to death there some 13 months earlier. Never mind the allegations of a grand hoax, or that none of the more recent residents has been spooked. That's their story and they're sticking to it!
I admit, it's been 20-some years since I read the book but I don't believe this film is any closer to "the facts" than the 1979 version and trades the outright religious fear and suspense of that film for a few cheap scares and the same computer effects ghosts which populate every horror film in the last ten years- you know, the fast-motion ones that distort and fade in and out like the picture on an old TV set.
Everything is bigger, except George's hair (no way you can remake that!). The house is a mansion this time around and in a real departure, the babysitter updates from the geeky pre-pube girl with headgear to this teenage sex-pot in hip-huggers who reveals her Gene Simmons tongue and regales the kids with stories of the murders before she gets herself locked in the closet.
On it's own, this film would stand as a mediocre modern horror movie. But this is another in a long line of remakes which did not need to be remade, i.e. House on Haunted Hill, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Hairspray, need I go on? I guess Hollywood got tired of ripping off Japan (The Ring, The Grudge) and had to return to their own vaults for ideas. Your best bet? Skip past the big stacks of this DVD and rent the lone copy of the original. This is a one X remake.
Anatomy of a Psycho 1961 Unitel
Director: Boris Petroff
Although I watched this on UEN's Sci-Fi Friday, I'm not so sure what was sci-fi about it. Really, we have the same bunch of 25 year-old "juvenile delinquents" leftover from the '50s. Chet and Bobbie and the gang, all hangin' out at Moe's (not the bar, the apartment). So, Chet was basically raised by his killer of a brother, who subsequently is sent to the chair (electric? gas?).
Chet also has a sister. She's a nice girl- pasty, wholesome and she has met a guy from the "right side of the tracks". She's hoping to move up in the world but still clings to her brother, trying to save him from the same fate as the older brother. How trite...
Now, her beau, Mickey, just happens to be the son of the guy who put her brother away- yes, the key witness for the prosecution. If that's not bad enough, the guys feel it is important to tell her about the dad's role in the trial! Are they fucking stupid? Mickey tells Pat, and then, like the dumb-ass he is, reaches out to Chet and tells him! Why don't you just kill dear old dad yourself!!
Well, we already know Chet is looking for revenge and this clinches it! He's going to get that old man. But wait, first let's have a really awkwardly staged fight and accidentally stab Moe. Now, suddenly, it's a trial movie- it's Perry Mason- for the whole rest of the movie!!
Had this only lasted an hour, it would've been as good as say, The Violent Years. But this hour-long flick seemed to last for three hours. I kept looking at the clock and wondering if it would ever end, or at least go somewhere. It didn't. X
And Then There Were None 1945 René Clair Productions
Director: René Clair
We've all seen this one... Or one of the million other takes on this Agatha Christie play. Ten people: The judge, the doctor, the handsome leading man, the detective, the pretty girl, the wacky prince, the deaf old general, the spinster, the butler, and one more who I don't remember. Anyway, they all have a secret death in their past, get invited to some island in the middle of nowhere and oddly enough they all go!
All invited by a mysterious man who none of them know, they soon find the the "ten little indian" statuettes surrounding the cake represent each one of them, and as an statuette is obliterated so too is one of them- to the order of the minstrel song "Ten Little Niggers" (which this film was titled in the UK! Wow...) Starting off with the less noticeable, then we move to the more annoying, then some major players... Oddly enough, this detective chap does absolutely nothing to help solve the crimes.
You know how it ends too, with the lone survivor facing the true murderer- or so it would seem. By then I was hoping they would all die and the house burn down!
It's a good story in theory, though far-fetched in this telling (all these society people in this shitty little boat, motoring out to some remote island- c'mon!). The tension definitely builds with each killing but as with many films of the '30s and '40, the leading man's acting is an atrocity and people behave inexplicably for the benefit of the story. I would shoot for a more recent, comedic version of said story like Murder by Death or Clue. Maybe the '60s brit version is better? X
The Andromeda Strain 1971 Universal Pictures
Director: Robert Wise
Air Force grunts are dispatched to retrieve a satellite which has crashed near Piedmont, NM. They arrive to find everyone dead and soon find themselves in the same condition. A mysterious Dr- Stone declares it to be a "fire" begins to assemble a crack team of scientists and doctors to meet at a top secret underground lab, called (aptly) Wildfire.
Meanwhile, he and another guy go to Piedmont in protective gear and fetch that damn satellite. They find the dead folks' blood has turned to powder and also find two survivors- a crying baby and an old drunkard. The satellite and survivors are brought to Wildfire and sent to the depths of this five story underground cylinder. The team descends, floor by floor, with each floor bringing a new level of decontamination to them.
Once down there, they quickly discover that they are dealing with a living organism which is growing. While the doctor cares for the survivors and tries to find a link between the two, the rest of the team isolates and studies the "germ" Andromeda itself. But Andromeda grows, it also mutates.
A plane goes down miles outside the alleged containment area, the plastic parts dissolved almost completely, along with the pilot. Yet the team sent to the crash site seems fine. Then the same happens at Wildfire- Plastic seals around the facility begin to fail and contamination spreads. They must find a way to neutralize Andromeda before it escapes Wildfire and spreads even faster.
I found this one more intriguing when I was younger, perhaps because it was more believable at that time. Now, of course, the government has better ways to kill us... Anyway, it is still a very good story, adapted very well to the big screen. You feel the pressure the characters are under to kill this "space bug" before it wipes out every living thing on earth. Maybe I'll read the book one day. For now, XXXX
The Ape Man 1943 Banner Productions
Director: William Beaudine
Starring: Bela Lugosi
Bela stars as Dr- Brewster, a scientist type who has somehow accidentally transformed hisself into a hunched over and hairy ape man (I didn't quite catch that part). I do know, however, that the key to reversing this malady lies in human spinal fluid- lots of it! His old partner, Dr- George is growing suspicious of Brewster's methods and his increasing obsession with righting himself, literally and figuratively.
Next, we have a wisecracking Brooklyn reporter and his beautiful sidekick, Billie. They are working on a murder case, as are local detectives- both with minimal success. That is until Brewster uses his pet gorilla to kill George's butler right under their nose. He makes his blessed serum with the spine juice and forces George to inject it in his spine. Next thing you know, Brewster is walking upright!
Alas, it doesn't last. It appears Dr- Brewster needs more, more, more! Again, he releases his gorilla and they go on an evening killing spree, collecting enough fluid for 100 injections! But now, Dr- George will have none of it and as Brewster desperately tries to force him once again, George throws the bottle of serum on the floor, smashing it to bits! This really pisses off Brewster.
Meanwhile, back at Brewster's sister's house, the reporter is sniffing around, followed by Billie who bashes him on the head before she realizes who he is. Brewster arrives and takes the girl to his lab, the reporter in hot pursuit and there in the midst of their struggle, the pet gorilla is loosed. But who will the gorilla attack?
This is not masterpiece of '40s science fiction. It is a moderately entertaining little movie with all the usual stereotypes of the time, including an awful gag at the end, followed by a plea to buy war bonds. I would lay odds that the reporter was played by Joe Pesci's father- same annoying voice and accent. The girl does nothing but look pretty and faint and the gorilla is the one of the funniest ever witnessed in film! Just put a TV on its head and you've got Robot Monster! XX
Assignment: Outer Space 1961 American International Productions
Director: Anthony M. Dawson
In this allegedly Technicolor feature, we follow the adventures of a manly news reporter, whose mission is to cover space- the final frontier, to quote the much better TV series, Star Trek. After one leg of the journey, he is dropped off at a space station; where, after a shaky space walk, he meets a girl and generally reaps havoc and pisses off the commander of the station.
When the commander tells him he can't go to mars with them, the cocky reporter radios back to earth and has the commander ordered to take him. Along the way, they encounter a rogue space craft, which is emitting some kind of super heat wave death bubble AND it headed straight for earth! Sacre bleu!!
The cosmonauts try everything to stop the menacing ship. One by one, their plans fail and they are forced to give up- dooming the earth. But wait, the reporter has an idea... and it just might work!
This one has effects that rival Ed Wood- plastic rockets, generic sets and it appears the entire cast attended the Jack Webb School of Acting. Can you say stiff? Then there is the soooo dramatic narration. Oh boy! It all adds up to a really bad movie. The only saving grace, some good chuckles along the way. X
The Astounding She-Monster 1958 Ronnie Ashcroft Productions
Director: Ronnie Ashcroft
A platinum blonde heiress is kidnapped by a gang of stereotypical rogues. They head out in to the desert, seemingly to hide out and collect their ransom. Unfortunately for them, the night before brought a "meteor" crashing to earth and aboard it, a shapely blonde in a skin-tight silver suit. Apparently she's so radioactive that she causes waves on the film stock! When the hapless assistant sees her on the side of the road, he loses control and crashes into a tree. The foursome must set out on foot.
They happen upon the cabin of a local geologist and when they discover his Jeep has no headlamps, they decide to hide out there for a spell. The lady kidnapper gets loaded on the sauce and "hapless" sees the mysterious, wavy woman through the window. He goes out to investigate and is quickly put down by her deadly uranium touch!
Tough guy goes out to find him and drags his body back to the cabin, where wavy lady smashes through the window and chases them into the woods. Tough guy geeks her out and she falls off a cliff. Sure she's dead, he goes back to the cabin and again tries to get the remaining two to leave. They get down the road a bit and there's the wavy woman. The geologist and the heiress run but tough guy, he tries to take the Jeep. Too late, you're dead!!
Back at the cabin, our geologist friend mixes up an "acid bomb" to dissolve the metal, wavy vixen. It works! But alas, she was only trying to help us earthlings out, delivering a message from some space council. What now?
Directed by Ed Wood's friend, Ronnie Ashcroft, and here we see some typical Wood touches, including "night scenes" shot in broad daylight and plenty of stock footage! Also funny is the fact that we never see our wavy mistress' backside, she carefully backs out of every scene. Possibly the work of pre-MPAA. Hollywood censors? Overall, though, it's bad but not bad enough to be really funny. XX
The Astro Zombies 1968 Ram Productions
Director: Ted V. Mikels
Starring: John Carradine, Tura Satana from Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and get this... co-written by Wayne Rogers (from TV's M*A*S*H)!!
A creepy guy in a bug mask is hiding out in garages and killing pretty, curvy girls with a knife. He's no ordinary man though, he's an astro-man! An experiment gone awry and the CIA is onto him. They enlist a doctor who has worked closely with the astro-scientist (Carradine) who is believed responsible, along with the scientist's red-headed former assistant, who just happens to be "friendly" with the agent who infiltrated the doctor's lab. Got all that?
Good. So, at the same time the CIA is looking into the mad scientist, so is another group. Only this group is bad and presumably japanese! Lead by a very curvalicious dragon-lady (Satana) and consisting mainly of a dandy guido and a pimped out mexican with a switchblade knife. When they realize what they have bought from a rogue colleague of the mad scientist, the dragon-lady must have it "for her government". She struts about in her revealing gowns and shoots whomever she pleases, including two CIA agents.
All the while, the scientist and his mute assistant carry on their experiments. The "bad guys" hone in on the scientist's lab, following the radio signal used to "control" the astro-man (apparently our mexican pimp is somewhat of a radio expert). They arrive at the lab, just as the scientist is putting the finishing touches on astro-man 2, who has a normal brain instead of a psycho-killer's brain. Ms- Dragon interrupts the proceedings with her trusty revolver!
After fighting off the astro-man, our heroes show up at the lab, along with the police and army! (Note the obviously shot-during-the-day night sequence.) Soon, the astro-man is there too, having walked the entire way powered by a flashlight!! Mr- CIA inexplicably leaves "red" standing in the middle of the lawn as he goes in to do his tough-guy thing. A big fight in the lab and the original astro-man escapes to go after "red" in the yard. Then we're back to the lab for more hot fight action!
This one has all the right stuff: psuedo-scientific experiments, sexy chicks, stiff g-men and bug-headed monsters! Unfortunately it's confusing, a little slow and ultimately, not that satisfying. XX
Atom Age Vampire 1961 Manson Distributing Corp.
Director: Anton Giulio Majano
Hmm... It's an english version of an italian-made film about a sexy blonde dancer, who has one of the phoniest car crashes in the history of cinema. Seriously, it's right up there with Orgy of the Dead! She emerges, horribly disfigured. OK, really it's just a big scar on one side of her face. Just as she is about to blow her brains out with her PPK, a mysterious woman enters her room and tells her there is hope.
Hope comes in the form of some cutting edge experiments by the woman and her mad scientist boss! See, they ingest some chemicals which alter cell structure and then counter the side effects with a dose of good ol' radiation. Yeah, that really hits the spot! So, they do the same to our blonde dancer friend and voila! She's good as new. And the boss wants to do her!
Somehow, the cure fails and the boss must perform "grafting" surgery to save her beautiful face. The skin he grafts comes from the girls he kills! And he must keep killing until the cure takes! Meanwhile the chemical he has ingested begin to take him over; turning him first into a retard and then into a vampire/reptile/dog thing, while he fights to keep her from her true love, Pierre. Oh, Pierre!
This one is pretty bad. The girls are pretty but that's all that's pretty about this picture. Watch The Embalmer instead. X
The Atomic Blonde a.k.a. Run for the Hills 1953 Jack Broder Productions
Director: Lew Landers
Starring: A couple of drunks, Sonny Tufts and Barbara Payton
I think Sonny may have been drunk during filming. Nothing else could explain Charlie Johnson's facial expressions throughout! Johnson is an insurance actuary who has become neurotically obsessed with the H-bomb- so obsessed he takes his life savings and buys a cave... Actually an old mined-out gold mine.
After getting fired from his job for his increasingly crazy behavior, he convinces his all-too-supportive wife to move into the cave and she cracks the idea to charge tourists to see them in their primitive state. They dress in leopard skins and don clubs as the prance about their cave, which oddly is furnished with all the modern appliances!
When the former owner of the mine sees they are making a living off the mine, he wants it back. When they refuse to sell, he goes to great extremes- hiring a bevy of lawyers and putting pressure on local law enforcement to evict the couple. Charlie jus won't have it! Nothing is going to change his mind except maybe a little earthquake...
This is the most inexplicable movie I have ever seen- wrought with ridiculous ideas and improbable reactions to even more improbable situations! It makes Ed Wood look like Orson Welles. Note: Wade Williams bought this too! The story is nuts, the acting is terrible- especially Tufts' drunken glee. Payton does her best with this ludicrous role and she is pretty. It is on her resume somewhere between her stint as Howard Hughes' mistress and sleeping on a bus bench. This is one crazy flick! XXX
Attack of the Aztec Mummy a.k.a. La Momia Azteca 1957 Cinematografica Calderon S.A.
Director: Raphael Portillo
This is your usual mix of scientists- including one of the mad variety, the older doctor (who of course has a sexy daughter for the mad one to court) and an assistant. Our mad one, Dr- Almada, is working on groundbreaking hypnosis theories, such as regressing persons back to former lives. Maybe this is where all the new-agers got this idea? Anyhoo... But where to find a victim... Er, I mean volunteer?
How about the foxy mamacita? Her name is Flora, or Flo if you like. She'll do it! After some initial face twisting thought, they all agree. Flo is the perfect candidate. So, out comes the spinning spiral, which even hypnotized me a little. Back and forth we cut between Flo's wide eyes and the spinning wheel until finally Flo gets sleepy and goes under.
They take her back (through the centuries, it seems) to aztec times, when she was to be a virginal sacrifice. That is until she got caught in the arms of a warrior named Popoca (I'm not making this up!). He is buried alive(!) and she is killed, which brings her screaming back to this century. Now she remembers some of both lives though and she leads the scientists to the Aztec ruins to find some fabled breastplate (maybe the one the mormons used?).
They find the plate and go back for the matching arm band, only to find a 400 year-old mummy... And he's pissed! Oh, I almost forgot. This whole time some fellow called "The Bat" and his mexican wannabe Al Capones are after the plate and tip toe behind the scientists all the way. We come to the climactic ending, where Flo's dad must crush the mummy into oblivion with his holy cross (much like the real spaniards did with the real aztecs!).
In spanish with english subtitles. This is a pretty good mix of suspense, action, comedy and drama. It is very dark... Literally. I struggled to see what was going on in some scenes but I suppose that is better the the "night scenes" of many 1957 films which clearly show midday shadows beneath our subjects! The story was tight and though the mummy was under-utilized, I happen to know he will be back. I have two more of these DVDs in the box... XXX
Attack of the Giant Leeches 1959 American International Pictures
Director: Bernard L. Kowalski
When a drunken yocal takes a pot shot at a "monster" in the swamp, everyone in town thinks he is out of his mind. He becomes s laughing stock, until more folks disappear that is. Dave Walker, he runs the General Store and his leggy blonde wife wants out of the swamp and into the big city. Meanwhile she's tramping around with every guy in town.
One night she takes up with Dave's best friend Cal and they head to the woods to roll around on a blanket. After Dave makes his delivery though, he tracks them down and chases them through the swamp with a shot gun, forcing them into the water until they beg for forgiveness. Much to his horror, both are dragged into the black waters by the monsters.
The hick sheriff wants none of this business about "monsters" and is convinced Dave really shot the two and hid the bodies. In jail, Dave Walker can no longer live with the fact that he drove his wife and his best friend into the clenches of these monsters. Along the way, Game Warden Steve has been battling the dumb-ass sheriff over what is going on. Conveniently, his girl's pop is a doctor of sorts and thinks some large squid or octopus may be responsible.
The doc wants to dynamite the pond but Steve is against it, based on his love of nature and the creatures that may be left (never mind no one has seen a living creature in that part of the swamp!). He and Steve's girl bomb the pond anyway and lo and behold, bodies start rising to the surface. Sine they haven't been dead long, they now know there is an underwater cave where the victims have been stored and sucked dry of their blood!
What to do? Why more dynamite! Despite the clichéd characters, the story is pretty tight and suspenseful. It's well acted and quickly paced. What really sets this one apart is the musical score, especially the sound which plays when the leeches are present. This is late-night drive-in gold and just as good on the small screen! XXXX
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes 1978 Four Square Productions
Director: John DeBello
A true spoof of the "invading mutants" genre, this film lifts much from '50's and '60's japanese monster movies. The whole premise of the movie is ridiculous: For reasons unknown, tomatoes start coming to life and attacking people, forcing the government to take action. The world's top military leaders and scientists gather and appoint a chap named Mason Dixon (who looks something like the Son of Sam by the way) to head up the fight against "the growing tomato menace". He is assigned a crack team of specialists to help in this endeavor- a black disguise expert, a female olympic swimmer, a scuba diver and later, a gung-ho paratrooper.
He sends the swimmer and the diver (in full scuba gear!) off into the desert, while he and the disguise expert- who is very poorly disguised as Hitler- rendezvous with the paratrooper. The paratrooper immediately mistakes him for the real Hitler and tries to kill him! Meanwhile the threat is growing... and so are the tomatoes. Some as big as a Volkswagen and now a pretty, young gossip columnist is thrust on the case to figure out what the government is hiding. She confronts Dixon but he's not talking, so she follows him. Dixon sends the disguise expert, dressed as a tomato in to infiltrate the ranks of the enemy only to have him blow it. The columnist tries to seduce the paratrooper, only to be outed as a spy and chased from the room at sword point!
Dixon is then kidnapped by a power hungry official but is saved by the paratrooper, who has dragged his parachute about behind him throughout the entire movie! Finally Dixon finds the one thing that will kill the tomatoes, or at least shrink them back to their original size. He rushes out to tell everyone. It all culminates at the San Diego stadium, where the remaining residents of SD county (largely freaks, misfits and the San Diego Chicken) gather to hatch Dixon's plan. What do you know, it works and the day is saved but not before the pretty columnist has to be saved from one rogue tomato. Dixon saves her and they fall in love and live happily ever after... or do they?
Now, I have to admit that I found it funnier when I was 13, probably due to the sophomoric humor. Still, "the worst vegetable movie ever made" and a lot of laughs! XXX
Awakening of the Beast 1968 Fotocena Filmes
Director: Jose Mojica Marins
Starring: Jose Mojica Marins, he does it all!
While I wasn't all that impressed with the first two of this triple-header, this one changed my mind about Coffin Joe! The first hour, we spend with a panel of doctors, including a "Doctor Mojica", discussing the perils of drugs on society. Each point is illustrated with a video flashback of the said news story and each flash back is more depraved than the last!
A junkie chick pissing in a jug, before a captive audience of vagrants; pot smoking, panty sniffing beatniks and object rape by The Lord(!); an upper-class housewife who watches the butler fuck her daughter, while sniffing coke and stroking her shetland pony(!) and of course, the cheatin' bitch- crying to her husband's picture while another man feels her up!
One of the doctors on the panel then decides to take 4 of these people and give them LSD. He also decides it would be a good idea to take them to see Coffin Joe's last picture, This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse, before injecting them. Naturally, this sends them on a mind-bending and colorful (the rest of the film is B&W) trip through hell and who should appear but the evil gravedigger himself, Coffin Joe!
A marvelous trip for us the viewer too... From the very risqué (for the time) drug and orgy sequences to the sheer craziness of the LSD experiment, this is a truly unusual and visually thrilling ride. What came before was the warm-up. This begins the Coffin Joe legend! XXXXX